The App that gives back... what, exactly?

There's so much more here, but we just don't have the heart to go on.

Kindness: The App that gives back!

This application gives the user a list of deeds for the week that may improve their lives or more importantly, the lives of others. […] Life should be about being good to other people out of pure kindness, not for the possibility of a reward, but because it’s the right thing to do.

While we admire and wholeheartedly embrace the underlying philosophy of “Kindness: The App that gives back!”, it is a difficult message to digest when you’re being shitkicked by a user interface that invites you to preemptively vacate your bowels in order to soothe the pain.

It’s no understatement to say that when the PerversionTracker staff first saw this app, Vesuvian trembles literally rocked our innards, inducing a sort of religious petrification in the face of the inevitable. This was soon followed by an urgent concern for our triple-ply silken undergarments.

We quickly realized that the most therapeutic act would be to share this experience with a few hundred close friends and family, so it was a relief to see the button marked “Social Networks” prominently displayed. We grasped at it, and everything went boom, boom, boom (even brighter than the moon, moon, moon).

Even Katy Perry cannot save you from social media vomit in your face

It’s a rough world out there, and we need our best and brightest working on pumping every ounce of your kindness into the constricted capillaries of your social graph, we suppose. In the meantime, save your $0.99 (yes, we really bought it!) and take this 8.7739/10 rating to the bank instead.

Download Kindness ($0.99)

Remember Michael-John Wolfe, the actor-turned-appmonger of iTimeOut (which we reviewed on Tuesday)? Well, turns out he also published an app called iBlood Test, and he produced a short — yet incredibly creepy — promotional video for it. M-J has really outdone himself in this effort, and after viewing it, all the bleach Four Loko in the world wasn’t enough to cleanse our soiled eyeballs.

We think you’ll enjoy it, too.

At times like these, we find ourselves turning to the great Russian poet Aleksandr Blok to express the depth of our feelings.

Night, street, lamp, drugstore,
A dull and meaningless light.
Go on and live another quarter century –
Nothing will change. There’s no way out.

You’ll die, then start from the beginning,
It will repeat, just like before:
Night, icy ripples on a canal,
Drugstore, street, lamp.

And also, chlamydia.

Download iBlood Test ($0.99)

While there are few things that annoy us more than snowless climates and a kitchen without adequate animal fats, child rearing software comes close to besting those hallowed bottom two. So, when the vast and shadowy botnet we use to troll the depths of the App Store sounded the klaxons, we read with bated breath:

As parents, we all know that there are times when our children have to be put into a timeout. [...] Experts recommend putting your child in timeout for one minute per year old – in other words, a five year old should get a 5 minute time out and a two year old should get a 2 minute time out.

(Who are these experts, anyways? We suspect they deserve a timeout with a butter-covered Rubik’s Cube and a long, stern talking-to from a Carl Sagan-voiced bureaucrat.)

Anyways, just before he collapsed onto his keyboard, accidentally submitting this jar of lard and fecal melba to the App Store, developer Michael-John Wolfe was apparently straining hard to solve the one problem that faces all child-banishers: what to do when the snot-nosed toddler toddles its way out of the can?

"HUG!", indeed.

A creepy blued-eyed, coked-up baby yelling “HUG!” over a weird clanging noise. Classy move, M-J.

After trying the free version — weakened by the heady thrill of the hunt — we thoughtlessly forfeited $.99 (3.04 Malaysian Ringgits) for the chance to see what more savory childrearing morsels awaited us on the other side of the fancy arras.

And? It turns out our nickels bought nothing more than the chance to have the same dross-packet installed twice on our testbed of Vajazzle-encrusted iPhones. Apparently, actors-cum-appcrafters are a little confused about how to execute the “freemium” business model. Or about what money is for. Probably the second one.

In section 418 of “On Certainty”, Ludwig Wittgenstein wonders, “Is my understanding only blindness to my own lack of understanding? It often seems so to me.”

Ludwig, we love you. M-J? Take your mediocre 8.3/10 to your spittle-smeared timeout corner and don’t come back until you’ve turned that 2D, all-American frown upside down.

Download iTimeOut 1.1

We’re always on the lookout for exemplars of the App Store’s scummy nether regions, so please, if you know of an app or two you think we should review, let us look at your junk.

Description:

So cute kittens !

And they meow :)



Necessary application to charm all girls ;)



No internet connection needed !

Review:

Download Cute kittens free