Sparky’s ABCs 1.0

“This is a simple ABC’s game with wonderful illustrations and animations that your kids will enjoy playing over and over again. It’s so simple that even your youngest kids can learn to play and it’s so much fun your kids won’t know that they are learning the alphabet.”

We know that many parents of small but shockingly loud offspring are eager to download new ways of keeping their kids busy with repetitive “educational games.” But these people are bad, wicked parents and they will be punished. Their kids will grow up with short attention spans and narrow dogmatic minds and someday they will merge seamlessly with millions of other Republican born-again Wal-Mart shoppers and never, ever, take a single honest look at the infinitely beautiful universe outside their tiny airless bubble of a comfort zone.

Parents! Do not sedate your sweet innocent babes with flash games. Give them books with pretty pictures and big words. Give them wooden blocks and teddy bears and pick-up-sticks and chemistry sets. Give them jacks and jump ropes and hula hoops and rubber balls. Give them hammers and nails and trees to climb. Give them giant cardboard boxes, yes, and give them magic markers — but don’t give them flash games until they are old enough to make their own.

That said, Sparky’s ABCs could be worth the $4.95 (or 99 nickel gumballs) for its graphics alone. The zombie Bee is our favorite, of course, but the mentally challenged Dog and the zappy Eel (Electric) are also fine like cherry wine. The demo stops there, and we fear that F will be represented by that prosaic old standby, Frog, rather than a more apropos Fancy Chicken. And now that we think about it, the B really should have been a Badger. And who the hell is Sparky?

The very best thing about Sparky’s ABCs is that it must be downloaded from a website with the mysterious nom de guerre of Squirrel Whiz, home of The Caffeinated Squirrel. Oh, oh, oh, KV Graphics, you are wasting your nutty “talents” here — you must take this military surplus 9.3, with built-in unisex groin protector, and go entertain the troops.

Download Sparky’s ABCs