Gaichu 1.1

You’re a ladybug. As such, your sole goal in life is to eat as many aphids as you can. Unfortunately, there are harmful insects (Gaichu) out there that delight in preventing you from reaching that goal.

Spin walls to protect yourself! Collect multipliers to send your score to astronomical heights! Grab the letters to win extra lives and continues! Marvel at the amazing 3D graphics! Listen to glorious outdoorsie sounds and spiffy music! Learn to overuse exclamation points!

We will assume that KillerRobots’ mention of “amazing 3D graphics” was somewhat sarcastic, as all we saw was a insect-riddled rendition of Pac-Man. Given that Gaichu adds only a few minor variations like movable barriers and poison pills, we were not overly impressed in the usual sense of the word. Instead, Gaichu is impressive in the way that a howler monkey’s perfect feces-flinging skills are impressive, as when the excreta achieves perfect coverage across the broad expanses of a suburban family on their first and last visit to the local zoo. So you see, this sense of “impressive” covers the gamut of emotional trauma, the agony of gratingly disparate worldviews, and flan lightly dusted with ginger.

Once you add in a cataleptic avatar named Chu and disturbingly speedy beetle enemies, the net result is something entirely other than a party in Damascus. Indeed, if this party was any sloppier, we’d expect to see PBR-guzzlin’ hipsters passed out on-screen, their studded belts glistening with fresh spume. Ironic t-shirt logos crinkling in the early morning light, the few remaining conscious indie rockers might find themselves playing a game like Gaichu, pretending to enjoy it, if only to justify their Atari tattoos, as they reminisce about the old days, which really weren’t so long ago, but were filled with Lite Brites, which these young punks today have no idea of. With drowsiness deepening under foam-fronted trucker hats, this forgettable uDevGames disk image cuts itself nastily on a broken Olympia stubby, and scrambles off into the night, never to be seen again.

KillerRobots, your underachieving bug game smells somewhat rancid, but needs only a sturdy 10.2 to prop it up.

Download Gaichu