Fucking first post! No, I mean it literally, today I went out and bought a cedar fence posted and fucked it.

Norm, good to have you and your affinity for giving wood some wood, back. I must say, the number of incoherent bastards who make cheap shots at us insane commentators has risen with the lack of the threat of your ingenious retorts to keep them in their place. I've got a long list of people I feel deserve a good tounge lashing and then to be yelled at also. However, I'll leave it up to you to go through the last few days of material and decide who was being an annoying little prick.

Norm, baby! Laemkral wants you to give me a tongue lashing! I'm moist at the thought!

Laemkral, how come you need Norm's schlong of steel and quick wit to do your dirty work?

..."quick wit" being a relative term.

Dear Laemkral,

First, as the Vorlon's say, "I have always been here." Second, they are taking cheap shots at you, not me. They can't help but get a cheap thrill out of throwing =][= personnel in the wood chipper. You need something to grease the blades once and a while.

You know, I do have a short list of people who need a tongue lashing. Let me see, where did I put that list...ah, here it is...hmmmm...Laemkral, would mind bending over and grabbing your ankles?

BTW, what do you call a road kill squirrel masturbating in a highway pot?

...pot hole.

Here is a piece of advice for those with children. As your children grow up, they tend to be careless when it comes to putting away toys, flushing toilets, and closing doors. One way to help them to do the right thing on a consistent basis is that you need to remind them in a gentle and loving way to do the right thing. For example, when kids want to go out and play with their friends, they often forget to close the door behind them on their way out. One way to remind them to close the door is to paint in big bold letters on the door the phrase, "the fuck up!" That way, when they forget to close the door, you can shout at them, "Shut the fuck up!" It has the side benefit of showing your neighbors that you truly love your children.

Right, "quick wit" is a relative term. Compared to you Wile, I'm the Flash. Compared to Norm I'm just a normal person. Compared to myself, we reach a mathematical improbability similar to dividing by zero and thus the whole system suddenly fails.
I don't need Norm to do my dirty work. I have others for that. I was just wondering if he wanted to yell at you for lowering the intelligence of any person who reads your posts. Which is why I have someone else read them to me, to spare my intelligence and insanity the horror that exists in every pixel that appears on my screen. If it were any more horribly stupid, my computer would have had a system failure from the inability of the G4 to properly calculate just what the heck you said.
Now, if you persist in spreading your anti-conspiracy lies here (since I am technically not =][= Laemkral and therefore you aren't insulting him but are insulting the conspiracy theorist side of my personality as given life in this forum personal), I will have to take a closer look at your agenda and see just what dastardly plan you are trying to concoct. I just pray you put a bit more thought into it than you do when you type, which is about the same amount of thought it takes for Norm to understand that the letter a is the letter a. Which is a REALLY REALLY SUPER ÜBER MEGA DUPER tiny amount of thinking.
Now.....stop being a bad monkey and say something either so inane that normal people just get all confused and walk away with a mild headache, or something useful. I have chosen the former path and thus we reach the next level of the 2894 step program I am on entitled "Insnaity and You: How to".

And if anyone is throwing members of the Inquisition into woodchippers, I'd suggest not doing that as most Inquisitors LIKE the people they hire, and prefer to keep them on their staff. If you need something to chuck into the woodchipper, I can supply you all with a good heaping helping of Steel Rulers of Justice®.
Which reminds me. Wile, BAD MONKEY! *thwaps him with Steel Ruler of Justice®*

Dear Laemkral,

What nothing to say about my road kill squirrel comment or my shut the fuck up comment? Do you always have to be sucking on your own wooden ding dong all the time?

BTW Laemkral, could you PLEASE use some white space between your paragraphs.

Dear Laemkral,

It is really bad karma to go around and spank OTHER people's monkeys!

Well Norm. I could say something about them, but you so rarely (never) say anything about me. Its always blah blah insult Laemkral, blah blah blah BLAH insult the Inquisition, blah blah blah, weird fetish sex joke. Seriously, do you even have any niceness in you? I seriously doubt it and quite frankly I'm tired of being the butt of your jokes, and the butt of other things. The latter one is ESPECIALLY bothersome as its entirely against my will.

^See, white space.......YOU HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!

And I am not sucking on my own dong as it is only normal to reply to an insult directed at you and since there are a lot of insults directed at me, there are a lot of replies I must issue.

In conclusion, no. I will not comment on them except for the comments that exist in this comment until you learn to be a nicer person.

Not spanking other people's monkey. He IS a monkey, that I am spanking. Though I prefer the term "Assualting with a holy object".

Mmmm... donuts.

Dear Lamekral,

Admitting you spank another man's monkey is really sick dude.

P.S. "Shut the fuck up!" on your way out Laemkral.

Mmm-hmm. Shut the fuck up Laemkral.

And don't talk with your mouth full. Nor type, for that matter.

Mmm-hmm. Learn to be a nicer person, Norm.

ROFLMFAO

What's with all this lengthy text? Reading is hard.

Clearly y'all are blind. I do not spank another man's monkey. I spank monkeys. There is a difference. And even then I don't spank so much as "attack with a religious zeal while wielding a holy instrument of God" aka the Steel Ruler of Justice®. That's nothing close to spanking. It's almost a mitzvah in fact. The fuck up IS shut because I use alternate means of entry into the building. Everyone knows the door is boobytrapped and/or watched.

Why are posts long? Because I have a tendency to ramble on and on about things or simply get carried away. Like now for example, I have a Warhammer miniature on my desk and I'm just filing away at it and trying to hack off the head so I can swap it with another head, but the minis made of pewter, so it just doesn't want to go quietly and I don't have a dremel tool and even if I did my roommate is sleeping. So I'm basically just hacking at it with a hobby knife now cause the head is mostly recessed, but I need to clear out the cavity to insert and glue in the other head, but I'm still not quite sure which head I'd like to use but the online store is really agonizingly slow tonight so I'll have to do it some other time and chacnes are I'll just use something from my bitz box.

See???

On a completly unrelated side note, Norman...do you mind if I call you Norman, Norm? It's just that everytime I see your name, Norm(an), I think of Norm Macdonald of SNL fame. Didn't he do such a good job on Weekend Update? Not like Tina and Jimmy. Not that they do it bad, they are hilarious (and Tina....what a looker....) and all.....but they just don't do it the same way he did.

Right, so anyways Norman, um....I forgot what I was gonna ask...give me a sec....it's not my fault, its the damn smell of the ash from the fires on the nearby hillsides....hmmm....right! Well, color lightning do YOU think I should use?

fuddes, I have found it's easier to first scan past the post to the check the author's name and if it's Laemkral, then you just skip to the next post. Saves me about 10 minutes a day. I also mutilate fewer random passersby since I have employed this tactic. And I kicked the glue-sniffing habit. And I found new appreciation for beauty in this world. And I get laid every night now. [Remaining 1483 life-improvements snipped for brevity.]

May I also that you can improve your endurance of Laemkral's posts if you fuck a cedar fence post with a lots of slivers at least twice a day.

I only check from work so I just now saw Shark Attack Friday. It was pretty gruesome and I hope you will refrain from posting such pictures.

As a medical staff volunteer at the Marine Mammal Center (www.tmmc.org) I have seen several seals and sea lions with shark bites. Laemkral: this wound does look as if it were caused by a shark bite, and not a psychotic GMC or human but I agree that humans suck ass sometimes.

Humans who "suck ass" are really...

1) perverted!
2) stupid!

If one "sucks" on an ass, what is one supposed to expect to get out of the situation other than a mouth full of shit!? Please point out one person out there (Lamerkral doesn't count) that likes a mouth full of shit? The last time I told someone to go "eat shit," it wasn't an invitation to down a torpedo complete with chocolate sauce.

As for ladd posting such a picture, I think we have to cut him slack. It was his first really sick humor picture. It was a good first effort, but I expect him to do something much sicker next time. Are you listening ladd, none of this pansy seal sausage crap. We want something that can really inspire us to puke in our pockets. You hear me!

Okay, Paul. It's good to get some expert advice on it.
Thanks.

i believe that the PvT staff should rate the regular posters on their overall loserness, from 1 to 11. just to start it off, i rate Laemkral an 8.8.

Due to recent events in my area, I'll be on hiatus from posting here due to more important matters.

Laemkral on hiatus...hmmmm...if we could only get aussie boy to post more often, then the world may seem right for a change.

Laemkral, would you like some marshmellows and a long stick for your hiatus?

BOOOORRRRING!

Just 3 more days and it's Mutilated Koala Friday again, I can't wait!

I'm still curious if these screaming protectors of All That Is Not Offensive would have reacted thesame if friday's picture would have been one of a dead shark with a bite out of it.

But nooo, that would have just been gross, because sharks ain't all cuddly, cute and sweet! And we only need to protect furry creatures, because we like to look at those! And they do neat tricks! Sharks are just plain mean..

Ugh.

Meat is yummy...

I love animals. They're delicious.

Where is my software review?