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Simultaneously proving the doctrine of original sin and establishing the species of its authors as a lesser twig on the simian family tree, Authentic Sound Studio is a crawling horror beyond description. Even if the massive swaths of table bordering on InnerLoop Studio’s website weren’t enough to warn you away, the slowest lemming in the pack should be able to recognize the threat posture of a classic-requiring VISE installer. Yet despite this deceptive installation process, the application runs under OS X. True, one must be very generous with one’s exact definition of the word “runs,” and perhaps shift it more towards the dictionary entry involving the lax digestive operations of barnyard ruminants, but it does manage to limp along, displaying enormous buttons and confusing sliders in sporadic bursts.
As our shrinking contingent of non-febrile readers may have already surmised, ASS purports to be a sound editing application. Indeed, the authors slander themselves with this mendacious motto: “Digital recording, mixing and editing application for Power PC Macintosh computers.” We intend to prove here and now that this outright falsehood conceals the true purpose of ASS: promoting the spread of ape hegemony by filling its users with unstoppable bloodlust, leading to the eventual collapse of Earth’s human population, except for one small girl who will become the Queen of the Apes and reign in splendor until her untimely death from an undiagnosed banana allergy.
While ASS makes a cursory effort to provide sound-related functions, it does so in an interface plainly implemented by the shaky hand of a drunken lemur. The lack of a true prehensile thumb can be masked, but it can never be entirely concealed from the expert eye. The sound-related functions of the ASS are inevitably sibilant and redolent of fruit remnants, pointing once again to this sick depravity’s origin at a secret monkey software factory lodged deep in the steaming jungles of Madagascar.
At an inflationary $49.95 (2,284.67 Bhutanese Ngultrum), this application could aid in ending sneezing fits through the frightening prospect of actually supplying these micro-brained musicians with a fiscal incentive to continue their crime spree. Authentic Sound Studio? Authentically gut-wrenching. Given the blatant impossibility that ASS will actually process audio in any socially constructive manner, and the joyous manner in which it causes its own toolbar buttons to disappear, we assign a tinny 10.8.
Download Authentic Sound Studio
Posted by ladd at September 4, 2003 04:58 PM | TrackBack1st post?
Posted by: batgirl on September 4, 2003 05:18 PMDon't say "first post" like a question. Say it like you mean it, damnit!
Posted by: fuddes on September 4, 2003 07:02 PMSorry, my first time. I was truly incredulous. Still am.
Posted by: batgirl on September 4, 2003 07:41 PMYeah, you gotta really be prepared for first post. It's definitely not for you johnny-come-latelys. I'm not implying that you are a JCL batgirl, I just mean to say that it isn't for the weak at heart. Also that isn't to say you have a weak heart, unless you do, in which case disregard my previous statement. Oh dear, I seem to have stuck my feet in my mouth like a simpering ape. I don't mean that I'm an ape, so don't send your anti-monkey forces after me. This post is going horribly wrong. Nevermind, forget I said anything. Laem, be a pal and wipe their memories for me?
Posted by: Nick on September 4, 2003 08:01 PMNick, the GMC was offended both by your insult, and by being compared to a mere human. They have contacted the ACLU & PETA. You should hear from them shortly...
Posted by: no body on September 4, 2003 08:23 PMAuthentic Sound Studio 2.0? Was version 1.0 unauthentic?
Posted by: U. D. Mann on September 4, 2003 09:27 PMNeed you look further than the developer's website authored with Claris HomePage 2.0?
Posted by: James on September 4, 2003 09:29 PMNick, it's already been done-I mean, nothings been done. Nothing at all. Nope. Nada. Despite the overwhelming evidence this program is a plot by Emperor's Children Noise Marines to subvert many Mac users into Slaaneshi cultists, I am doing nothing at all. *turns for a second to whisper into the comm-link implanted in his throat* Strike Team Insurgance, deploy on the perimeter. Fire Support Team Wrath, be prepared, those Chaos Traitors are out there and I want them dead! *turns back and smiles*
As I said, nothing at all. Now, if everyone would please swallow one of these memory laps-I mean vitamin-pills...That would be much appreciated.
His pages are like a leap into the past: his Authentic Sound Recorder (of which ASS is the vastly more powerful version, according to him) requires a PowerPC, System 7.6 and (!) Sound Manager 3.0. How I remember those days when all us Mac zealots hailed the sheer mixing and multi-channel features of SM3.0! (parts were still 68k code (remember that?) until 3.1 but still, it was ACE!)
Oh, I'm getting all emotional now.. *sob*
Call me a stick-in-the-mud, but now and then I wish my OS was still just a folder with just a few folders and files in it — each of which I knew the function of — instead of the 30.000+ file behemoth that it is now.
Now excuse me, while I go cry in a corner somewhere.
Posted by: Thuros M. on September 5, 2003 04:34 AMWuss
Posted by: Previously Insane on September 5, 2003 11:52 AMI find it amusing the number of programs reviewed here that make it onto the larger Mac "news" sites, including MacInTouch and MacFixIt (ASS is listed on MacInTouch today). Here's their press release:
"Authentic Sound Studio 2.0 is an audio editor that offers multitrack recording, mixing up to 16 tracks, changing amplitude, non-destructive editing, reverb and echo, noise reduction, and other features. The new version adds a more flexible design that allows multiple sessions to be open, more control over latency, the option to record level settings as a time sequence, looping, faster and more efficient filters and effects, and other improvements. Authentic Sound Studio is $49.95 for Mac OS X and Classic Mac OS."
Hahahahaaaa.....whew.
Posted by: Mickey Knox on September 5, 2003 12:55 PMClearly my agents within MacInTouch have been discovered and either executed or forced to become doule agents. This is troubling news as I don't even remember putting agents in that organization in the first place, which means only one thing. The GMC is at it again.
All Inquisitional activities on PvT will be suspended until a thorough investigation is completed. I will be leaving Bobert the Servo Skull as my proxy.
*beeps once, then promptly has a malfunction in his anti-grav device and crashes into a wall*
Posted by: Bobert the Servo Skull on September 5, 2003 04:14 PMI dont care what any of you say!I am looking forward to downloading some ASS!
Posted by: Balthazar on September 5, 2003 08:27 PMYeah, authentic ASS bloodlust!
Posted by: Double Worsted on September 6, 2003 08:19 PM"...undiagnosed banana allergy."
I think I just wet my pants.
Posted by: Uncreative Tonight on September 7, 2003 01:41 AM