July 10, 2003

Crazy Golf 1.0

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“Crazy Golf is a golf game in which the rules are a little different a little [sic semper barbari] from traditional golf. The goal of the game is to get to the last hole.”

But what’s so crazy about that? If we know anything at all about golf, which we do not, it is that the whole purpose of the game is to get to the last hole, from whence you are mercifully allowed to stumble back to the clubhouse. You know, the place where they keep the alcohol and the shrimp cocktail.

Okay, there are a few minor indicators of craziness lurking within the two-holer demo that can only be expanded by paying a whopping $19 ($28.84 Aussie). When you try to open the app — after waiting in giddy naked anticipation for the 7.2 MB download — the screen briefly blacks out and flashes randomly in seizure-inducing vignettes that remind you of those weird dreams you had after overdosing on cucumbers and PCP.

Then you play two rounds of miniature golf, mildly amused by the vertiginous graphics but disappointed by the unaccountable dearth of miniature ponies. Bored now, you click “Quit game” — and realize that the normal litter on your desktop has been completely rearranged. Your hard drive icon is missing! You scan the screen in a sweaty panic! Whew, there it is.

But can we honestly say that three seconds of wild adrenaline rush makes up for this app’s inapt claim to craziness? No, we cannot. So we would like to offer a few helpful suggestions to guide the developer in ensuring that any future version of Crazy Golf will actually live up to its name:

  1. You must wield your “super magic teaspoon” to dig a trench between the tee and the cup, thus enabling you to roll the ball into place with any extendable appendage of your choosing. Watch out for the dancing ninja rabbit!
  2. You must lasso a giant squid, heave it on board your leaking rowboat, and transfer it to the water hazard on the 13th hole, all without being strangled by flailing tentacles and/or messily devoured. Beware the undertoad!
  3. You must mix and drink a banana-kiwi daiquiri while steering your comical cart safely through a twisting labyrinth of forgotten land mines and rioting lepers. Make sure the bananas are fresh!
  4. You must carve a full set of clubs out of driftwood using only a blunt spork and your barely suppressed inner rage. Don’t forget to floss!
  5. You must become the unwilling spiritual leader of a new world religion, hop twice on alternate steps, and grow a prehensile tail. Eat more mayonnaise! Ooga booga ha ha! Try to catch me! Vinegar douche! Uncertainty principle! Fruit emulsions in your pants! Yoicks!

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DanLab Games, we did not realize that you were also the makers of Ventilloo until just now, but we are not one teensy bit surprised. Please accept this equivocal 8.9 with our heartiest machinations.

Download Crazy Golf

Posted by ladd at July 10, 2003 08:17 PM | TrackBack
Comments

But you have to admit, the graphics are nice.

Posted by: on July 10, 2003 08:41 PM

They are quite stimulating

Posted by: Gizmo8500 on July 10, 2003 09:00 PM

Personally, I've been disappointed with the way Spork's dressed at the last few premieres. I kinda liked the swan outfit.

Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on July 10, 2003 09:31 PM

If you pay the shareware fee, thereby upgrading to iCrazy Golf Pro, do you at least get to hit the ball through the giant oscillating fan ommitted from Ventiloo?

Posted by: µø˜˚´¥ on July 11, 2003 02:18 AM

NO. But a giant massacre monkey jumps out of the bushes at irregular intervals and bites you in the Gonads. Also some things in the game change a bit.

Posted by: Previously Insane on July 11, 2003 08:26 AM

Dear Naomi:

Kudos to you for uncovering the uranium-smuggling operation! Although I'm guessing you didn't find out about the plutonium or you would have said something, right?

You are right, I had not thought of the national insecurity issues associated with having IP addresses listed. Speaking of the terrorists, in the immortal words of G. W. Bush, "Actually, I...this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about...when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." Wait, sorry, wrong quote. I meant, "Bring it on!"

Love,
Piglet Bob / Mr. ""

P.S. I showed up on the south lawn, but nobody was there.

Posted by: Piglet Bob on July 11, 2003 09:57 AM

Ahh piglet bob you've screwed me again. If you go down, I go down. You know this and yet you repeatedly allow your associates to ferret you out. Now I must kill them all and start again. You are at the end of your leash you rapscallion ragamuffin. If this continues I will have to go Bobbing for Piglets soon.

Posted by: Previously Insane on July 11, 2003 11:19 AM

Instead of arresting me for drunk driving all those years ago, don't you wish the police would have just let me drive into a brick wall at 100 mph?

Posted by: George W. Bush on July 11, 2003 03:31 PM

Here's a good mini-golf game:

http://www.fhmus.com/images/reporter/slacker/miniputt.swf

Posted by: fuddes on July 11, 2003 03:34 PM

As an officer of the law it is against my moral standing to allow anyone, no matter how annoying, destructive, or testostrone-inducinly moronically genocidal, to violate the righteous and sacntimoniously holy virtues of the laws of the United States of America.
That and I didn't recognize you until after I had stopped you.

Posted by: Bacon on July 11, 2003 03:44 PM

This game is fine... a console-style mini-golf with pleasant graphics and pleasing style.

Should we conclude that the bottom of the barrel has been scraped down to the wood and that there is no more really crap software out there? I think not...

Posted by: Please Look Harder on July 11, 2003 08:39 PM

If Fat 1.0.1 isn't considered "really crap software" I don't know what is.

Posted by: gizmo8500 on July 11, 2003 09:43 PM

Wow. I remember playing this very game (albeit with different maps, and it was called Zany Golf) on my Amiga well over a decade ago. It would tell you to "Touch the Fairy for Bonus." And I did. Oh God, did I ever.

Posted by: Tom Servo on July 12, 2003 05:09 PM

Well, that's a trip down memory lane. My first summer programming job was working on Zany Golf for SandCastle software back after freshman year in 1985.

Posted by: Ron Avitzur on July 13, 2003 06:06 PM

Yes, Tom Servo DID touch me. Repeatedly. My poor groin!

Posted by: The Bonus Fairy on July 14, 2003 07:25 AM

There is useless software yet! Damien of http://www.thedailygrind.net/software/ makes AMAZINGLY useless junk :D weekly, iPong I and II, final excuse pro, and many other useless junk paraphernalia!

Posted by: JD on July 31, 2003 05:42 PM
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