War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
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Do you like graphs? Do you like charts? Do you like specter-like floating windows? Then Internet Connection Monitor is just what you need — unless you also like good software.
Supposedly created to monitor the status and throughput of your internet connection, IConMit feels more like a centipede in your ear canal. In a misguided effort to reduce interface clutter, IConMit hides the window resizing widgets on its many windows until you, in a wild panic, manage to mouse-over said windows. The “Bar” window really gets into the act — not only does the resize widget appear, but the window title shifts dramatically to the right. Holy guacamole, I have a REAL red wagon now!
The most wonderful aspect of this application has to be its windows — fat (or if you prefer: “healthy”) floating panels. If you want to get rid of one, just click the close button. But wait — you’re screwed like a screw that’s been screwed into a screwhole until it can’t be screwed any further! There’s no close button (too much freedom, hippie)! Instead you must activate the application (which you can only do by clicking the dock icon), then choose the corresponding “Show/Hide” menu item (or why not slam your thumb in a door instead?).
Indeed, we gratulate IConMit on its many cutting-edge innovations in the area of user-hating. Why else would it show all the signs of being prepared to accept your typing when you click one of its text fields, only to chuckle at your comical hair-pulling antics when you notice your typing efforts are going unheeded.
Just in case you thought IConMit actually performed a useful function, all by its own little self, let me enlighten you: It actually launches the Internet Connect application at launch time and immediately relaunches if you try to quit it. For a really fun evening, try deleting your copy of Internet Connect, then sit back with a Colt 45 and enjoy as IConMit humbly asks you to locate it. Not such a tough app anymore, huh?!?
AlphaOmega Software, when will this madness end? Think of the children. Please. For another poorly edited chapter in your stochastic saga of puerile software, we award a 10.2 that pulses angrily in time with that distended vein on the side of your neck.
Download Internet Connection Monitor
Posted by jan at June 5, 2003 03:58 PM | TrackBack"why not slam your thumb in a door instead?"
If you want to convey the feeling of pain (especially when you gave it a score of 10.2), I can think of a lot better appendages to "slam" in a door than a thumb.
Posted by: a person who likes to waste YOUR time. on June 5, 2003 04:13 PMbecause not all of PV's readers HAVE such appendages. thumbs, on the other hand, are fairly universal.
Posted by: an unappendaged chick on June 5, 2003 04:42 PMTo the editor: How can I get my programs listed on PerversionTracker?
Posted by: Paul on June 5, 2003 04:44 PM"If you write shit, they will come."
Posted by: Rob on June 5, 2003 05:39 PMDear unappendaged chick,
Are you saying you don't have tongue? What did you think I said to slam in the door?
Sorry to hear about your condition. Where do we send the get well cards? What appendage are you missing? I am sure there are a lot of readers out there that will donate their appendage to you. Doctors these days can do amazing things with transplants.
Posted by: a real prick. on June 5, 2003 05:42 PMMy tongue ith gone, it maketh me thad.
It wath the only tongue I had.
if we continute all this derision of quality PvT software lovingly written by alphaomega, they might crawl into a small hole and die, leaving our days utterly devoid of laughter and frivolity. perhaps a little more encouragement is on the cards, and you'll find that quality features such as AdvancedPoopingOnUIGuidlines will be replecated daily for our personal enjoyment. won't you think of the children?
Posted by: max on June 5, 2003 08:49 PMJan, y' know I luvs ya, but you were truly remiss in not mentioning the goth horror of their website:
I am black. All black. Thus you will be drawn hypnotically to the non-black. The gentle colors. Soothing lights. Quiet non-black lights.You may touch the non-black lights. The non-black lights make you feel good. The colored lights make you you feel hot. Oh, yes, the heat is stifling, you tear at the buttons of your blouse! "Please, please will someone help with the stubborn catch of my bra!" Relief is here, oh yes, just REGISTER, and your agony will be
assuaged. Just hand out a little info, and you can leave the black. Oh, yes. Oh...
Max, I don't know where you're at, but I'm pretty sure that pooping on children is frowned upon even there.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on June 5, 2003 09:23 PMDude, Leibnitz, it's cool man. No worries, it's toat-cool.
And calm down. Sheesh.
Posted by: Jan on June 6, 2003 09:00 AMPaul:
Drop us an e-mail at mail@perversiontracker.com. Oh, and it's better to pretend to be a disgruntled user, rather than the developer seeking more attention for his product.
Posted by: Jan on June 6, 2003 09:03 AMBoy, this site has jumped the shark. Awfully quiet...
Posted by: Mike on June 7, 2003 07:50 PMYou bastard Mike you!
We were all having a staring contest and you broke the vow of silence. How could you! What, do you think this was funny to be the first to post after a long silence? Next time, keep your keyboard in your pants, if you know what I mean.
Posted by: a one eyed twit. on June 7, 2003 09:34 PM. . . TOO quiet.
Apologies to our five loyal readers. We have been away indulging our love affair with the open road (although we must mention here that I-55 is a real bitch) and then we had to mow the lawn and feed the fancy chickens and shear the sheep and please don't imagine that we love you less than the sheep but, well, um . . . okay . . . we'd better stop explaining now and write a review.
This site will never -- I repeat, never! -- jump the shark. It might cut the fins off the shark and use them as a libido-enhancing pharmaceutical. It might capture the shark and transfer it to a large aquarium, where it will be regularly fed, provide an educational service, and live to a ripe old age. It might fillet the shark, batter it, and eat it with fries. Hell, it might even hump the shark. But jump it? Get a grip on yourself, Mike. Oh, I see you already have ...
Posted by: aussie boy on June 7, 2003 10:28 PMThat's all well and good, but who's gonna clean up this mess? There's beer cans and styrofoam food thingies all over the place, and there's a black, not yellow, black, banana peel in the corner of the Java window. Yeah, yeah, you guys move on to the 'next review', but I'll be darned if I'm gonna sweep up this time.
Oh, okay, I'll get the black banana, it's driving me nuts.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on June 7, 2003 10:31 PMLeibnitz! You would slander our good name? We boycott styrofoam -- partly because it's killing our planet, but mainly because of this site: http://www.dow.com/craft -- and our beer comes in bottles. Large bottles. And I know nothing about the banana, or the monkeys dressed in tutus, or the horse.
I'm osrry, but I take offence to the shark jokes. It's bad enough that we dump our toxic waste in their living room! They don't deserve to be jumped (at least not by us), battered or humped or anything else.
As to silence on this site... after june 9th nothing? I fear the hitman from IConMit arrived and you're all dead. So it goes. But we appreciated the effort you took to give us a real objective view. Fuck WasteWare! Go Perversiontracker.com!
Ossry [oooh..s'rry]/slang/ 1. Someone who is really sorry, mostly about the fact that he hasn't had his first coffee of the day yet, so his typing is still a bit clumsy 2. Someone who regrets to find no option to edit an internet-post to remove spelling errors.
Posted by: Nag on July 26, 2003 03:27 AM