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If you are vertically challenged to the extent that you require your car seat to be supplemented with multiple telephone books while driving, you may find Artesia Racer a familiar experience. Positioning as a racing game, Artesia curiously provides an adequate view out the windshield only while your comical blue truck is hurtling along the course at maximum speed. If you attempt to slow down or stop, the camera view restricts to a close-up of your truck — terminally useless when attempting to navigate the twisty curves and overpasses provided.
While the screen shot doesn’t adequate project the flickery glory of AR when one runs into a fence, the vast swaths of ugliness are still quite evident. Racer also comes with no documentation, so one is left to wonder what “BOOSTER” indicates, as well as how many tours must be completed. Also mysterious is what constitutes a “tour,” although meandering around the course randomly seems to be effective in accumulating tours.
One must, however, congratulate the authors for their particular foresight in preventing people from escaping the horrifying little blue truck, as Artesia Racer initially appears to have no functioning quit command. Thankfully, Google’s translation of their website reveals that “To leave the play, it is enough constantly to use key ENTREE. ” Although our keyboard lacks an ENTREE key (APPETIZER similarly could not be located), “return” on the English keyboard seems to be comparable, and force quit has also been found to be efficacious
Out of the 9 MB download size, approximately 6.8 MB is squandered on 43 seconds of frenetically looped music in WAV format. Music, I feel compelled to mention, that is guaranteed to agitate without measure, at least until the user’s ear canal develops a thick protective plug of wax.
SuperCed, we have slightly ameliorated your score, due to the “demo” nature of your release, but still feel secure in issuing a tick-infested 9.7.
It also makes you feel more pukey by cranking the mouse tracking speed right up afterwards.
Posted by: Graham on May 19, 2003 01:58 PMDo I need to remind you all that, in French, «entrée» is the name given to a dish served before the main course, instead of the main course itself. Obviously, this proof-of-concept demo was meant to demonstrate the culinary genious of the French people.
Hungry yet?
bite me
Posted by: bite me on May 19, 2003 03:32 PMOkay, get over here.
Posted by: Double Worsted on May 19, 2003 04:11 PMI have seen shocking evidence that Aussie Boy is quite real. I hereby recant all my earlier denials.
Posted by: Mike on May 19, 2003 05:00 PMI thought Aussie Boy said last time that he was disappearing, like Marty's family in Back To The Future.
Posted by: fuddes on May 19, 2003 07:10 PMJust when you thought it was safe to go back to the water, fuddes ...
Posted by: aussie boy on May 19, 2003 07:18 PMYou're SO behind, fuddes! Mr. Boy was fading for maybe ten minutes or so, but then the mike-induced rage struck through to his manly parts, and now he's a dingo in a sheep-thingie. Hope this update was helpful, N.L.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on May 19, 2003 07:26 PMHe's back on the scene like herpes
Stronger than hercules
Ready to rock crowds from here to universities...
I have something to say! It's better to burn out than to fade away!
Fwahahahahahahahahaha! There can be *only* one! Fwahahahahaha!
Posted by: aussie boy on May 19, 2003 10:14 PMHey, if I'm the chief metallurgist to the Spanish king, and that Highlander gringo is running around in kilts and generally acting the Celtic git, how come I end up with the Scottish accent, and he speaks like a Frenchman?
And what's with that laugh? "Heh heh heh!"
Christ, if he wasn't immortal I'd kill the f*cker!
Posted by: Juan Sanchez Ramirez on May 19, 2003 10:17 PMYou know, this program violates about a ton of Apple's program design guidelines. Do these people just start making their programs or do they actually check to see if there is an approved method of doing things such as interfaces and menus and such?
Maybe they oughta follow this link:
http://developer.apple.com/techpubs/mac/HIGuidelines/HIGuidelines-2.html
And apparently, according to their site, they want a mall. Well who wouldn't love to own their very own mall? I know I'd kill to have my own Games Workshop store. Just as long as we aren't built near any grassy knolls. AH! GRASSY KNOLL! HIT THE DIRT!
Posted by: Laemkral on May 20, 2003 01:01 AMAnd I'd like to have my own coffee shop. Wouldn't that be great drinking fancy capppuccinos all day long and stay up all night searching for a socket to hook my powerbook in... er, wait... that was tonight...
Posted by: addict on May 20, 2003 02:27 AMplease take the folks over at freeverse to task.
If you don't have a .Mac account, bay all means get one so you can download the "ultimate board games deluxe" This software run inexplicably slow on all but a cray9990. the graphics are, uh, great? and the music...well, you need to try this shit out.
then try to shit it out, it's so incredibly bad.
don't forget tto try and use game ranger with it...since it doesn't actually do anything!
another nice polished pile of turds from the Freeverse folks.
---Alex
Oi, my muvver runs Freeverse, so back off! Uvverwise, I'll feckin' bust yer, right?
Posted by: aussie boy on May 20, 2003 07:08 AMWould it be possible for people to include more stinkywinky and transformation type links?
I really, really like them.
http://tsa.transform.to
Posted by: Foxeryn on May 23, 2003 12:34 PM