War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
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Reviewed very poorly, this software’s a crime,
Windows pumping and thumping in time.
The mouse double-clicks, the app goes up.
Spurning, discerning, extremely pumped up
It daftly maneuvers and smells really rank,
Time burning fast, it’s excessively stank.
Feckless and wild, it pours through the yards.
The software is potent and blatantly lards.
As we mouse to the finish, the system goes down.
Ten clams get up and they get out of town.
The arena is empty except for one man,
Still mousing and krausening as fast as he can.
The moon has gone down and the sun has come up,
And long ago MDM said “whaasssup?”.
But it’s jiving, conniving, and hugging the bowl.
And thinking of cursors on mouse patrol.
He’s measuring the distance.
He’s measuring the speed.
Pascal’s all alone (all alone)
In his time of need.
Because he’s racing and pacing and cursing his fate,
He’s fighting and biting, he doesn’t sleep late,
He’s measuring the distance.
No ChezMark, no flowers, no MacWorld, no wine,
He’s haunted by something he cannot define.
Intestinal troubles, are taking their course,
Attack him, bushwhack him, with Ballmeresque force.
In his mind, he’s still coding, not making the grade.
We’re hoping in time that our memories will fade.
Cause he’s racing and pacing and cursing his fate,
He’s fighting and biting, he doesn’t sleep late.
The moon has gone down and the sun has come up,
And long ago Pascal’s brain’s given up.
But he’s floating and bloating with REALbasic learns.
And thinking of cursors for which he still burns.
Cause he’s measuring the distance.
He’s measuring the speed.
Pascal’s all alone (all alone)
In his time of need.
Because he’s racing and pacing and cursing his fate,
He’s fighting and biting, he doesn’t sleep late,
He’s racing and pacing and cursing his fate,
He’s fighting and biting, he doesn’t sleep late,
He’s measuring the distance.
He’s measuring the speed.
He’s measuring the distance… in meters or yards!
AlphaOmega, for another pooptastic venture, we remit a 10.8.
Download Mouse Distance Measurer
Posted by jan at April 30, 2003 10:25 PM | TrackBackbest. review. ever.
Posted by: Michael the Big Cheater on April 30, 2003 11:09 PMMy mouse is 110 millimetres (4.125 inches) long, 75 millimetres (3 inches) wide, and 25 millimetres (1 inch) tall.
Why do I need software when I have a ruler?
Posted by: aussie boy on April 30, 2003 11:51 PMI recognized it!
Piece of cake!
(Note to myself: Donīt try to be funny when itīs 7 in the morning)
Y.
Posted by: Younghart on May 1, 2003 12:18 AMWow, that one was good. Laughed so hard brought tears to my eyes. Good work Jan.
-Zeal
That guy is not only a criminal, but a multiple offender, ain't he now? Hasn't the three strikes rule been implemented on the Net yet?
I think we definitely need a utility that can tell us the colour of our iMacs ("Your iMac is: GRAPE"), the size of our monitors ("Your monitor is: 21", BIG BOY!"), or the length of our USB cables ("Your USB v1.1 cable is: 3 FEET (1 METRE) LONG").
Why not reminder software so that we don't let our toenails grow too long? Why not software that tells us our left nostril is dripping and we should blow our nose? Why not software that tells us how many buttons are in the active window?
The world of Macintosh is full of untapped possibilities. One possibility is that most of them should remain untapped!
Posted by: aussie boy on May 1, 2003 06:54 AMYou've gone gumpletely insanish
Posted by: pointy on May 1, 2003 08:26 AMAlpha Omega software is a confusing subject to me... Some of their software is really good.. And the rest is SO BAD!!!!
Maybe Alpha Omega software needs to write a program to remind them not to write sucky programs and to check for things like "Thank you to support low prices shareware" and "normaly".
Posted by: on May 1, 2003 10:06 AMnow i'm gonna try to buy the original on the itunes store.... awesome
Posted by: tom on May 1, 2003 11:14 AM>:( I wish PerversionTracker wouldn't do songs and poems as "reviews". >:(.
Posted by: hugo l. on May 1, 2003 11:56 AMobviously Hugo doesnt know the song. That was the best review ever.
Posted by: turd ferguson on May 1, 2003 01:01 PMWow. This is truly a classic review. Love it!
Posted by: Laemkral on May 1, 2003 03:24 PMwhich song IS it?
Posted by: Shum on May 1, 2003 04:01 PMThe song is "Distance" by Cake. Just listened to it this morning, too. Before I read this article. Wow, destiny in action!
Posted by: Phase 42 on May 1, 2003 05:01 PMBy pressing my genitals against the screen and using this great utility, I was able to measure my penis. Thankyou, oh kind frog, know I know exactly how inadequate my appendage is.
darko, my main man!
While we appreciate your patronage of our select group of Mac developers, we earnestly hope that you desist and otherwise stop from stroking appendage-wise with either wheel or optical mousing equipment. We have become aware of a growing maintenance problem that seems to be clustered around Mouse Distance Measurer. Standard Apple warranties do not cover component damage caused by user fluids deposited on and/or near either ADB, USB, or IEEE1394 input points. Also, in-depth studies have indicated that some Apple monitor non-glare screen coatings may react negatively to the deposition of proteinaceous substances. There should always be special awareness of appendage proximity to either AC or DC power sources.
darko, you have a great day! And try the new Apple music service at Apple.com!
Posted by: Steve Jobs on May 1, 2003 09:43 PMYards?! This is quite obviously useless to Canadians and everyone else that uses the metric system. I haven't used this ingenious assemblage of code by I certainly hope that there's an option for "metres" and if they want to be fully featured, an option for "centimetres" too!
CanBoy
CanBoy, once again you succeed in mentioning the aforementioned and not being funny about it.
And with that out of the way: Me
Posted by: Thuros M. on May 2, 2003 06:41 AMAnd by "metres", he of course means "meters".
A company called Toggle Booleans, a completely brilliant collection of programmers and programs out of Canada I believe, which offered totally useless programs for old Windows 3.1 about ten years ago, did this one brilliantly back then - and for free.
I am not about to check out this monstrosity, but the Toggle Booleans variant measured your mouse travel in inches, centimetres, and even light years. It was completely brilliant.
Now as for this piece of trash...
Posted by: Rixster on May 2, 2003 02:37 PMI remember something like this for system 7 or something....I think it was part of "Stupid Mac Tricks". They had a bunch of things like adding gravity to your cursor and such. Does anyone remember those?
-Zeal
Posted by: Zeal on May 2, 2003 06:08 PMHey Zeal,
Nope, don't remember, was far away (from the Mac) at the time. But your post did make me remember another great Toggle Booleans app, maybe it was available on the Mac too.
It was called the "Elvis Detector" and it probed your immediate physical surroundings for Elvis Presley. It came with a users manual and everything.
Bloody brilliant.
R.
Posted by: Rixster on May 3, 2003 03:40 PMRobo, "meters" equals "metres". It's a regional spelling variation. Get over it, you squalid toad. And don't let me catch you at it again, or I'll take to you with a pointy marshmallow!
Posted by: aussie boy on May 4, 2003 10:00 PMI bloody well know it's a regional spelling variation, you poor, besotted waste of carbon. To quote Foghorn Leghorn, "That's a joke, son!" Now just go back to drinking your Kanga Piss Special Lager and leave me alone.
And really, don't you think it's about time you had Belvedere take those pants to the cleaners?
Cake sucks.
Posted by: Foo on May 8, 2003 05:54 PMnice review. really great. but have to admit: if you dont know cake you dont get it. (I got it anyhow and will therefore bookmark this page)!
nice and very innovativ review. thumbs up for the author!
Posted by: themouseracer on June 1, 2004 05:39 AMThe best bitches on the web
Posted by: weak sister bitch on November 11, 2004 05:19 PM