Help Viewer 2.0.1

This review was written by a pudding-like mass of readers. Tonight we found out why they are called “readers” and not “writers.”

We have found Help Viewer to be gruntingly slow and more difficult to get along with than Shelob the Great. Its interface, admittedly, was slightly more attractive, but only by a small margin. When using it we often hear random and inexplicable cries of pain (or perhaps joy?) that seem to be coming from somewhere in the heart of South America. I’ve also noted a faint cheese-like odor emitted when using the application, although that might just be my feet.

It has been claimed that it loads slightly faster than MacOSRumors updates, although it is believed this is widely exaggerated. Help Viewer is obviously slower. In fact, on average three new episodes of AtAT will be posted while waiting for Help Viewer to load. John Moltz has even been known to assemble a coherent thought during the interminable launching time.

Help Viewer features many new cutting-edge technologies, including the all-new SidebarAnnoyance, whereby the sidebar insists on opening in an excruciatingly slow fashion three seconds after you’ve started reading your help file. Other featured techologies are UnreadableFontSize, borrowed from the Camino web browser, and the aforementioned UltraSlowLoad technology.

Help Viewer claims to be “Retrieving” during the abominable Load of Boredom. We do not believe this story, as we have noticed it reading our “multimedia” files and uploading them to ‘ftp.monkeyconspiracy.org’ and ftp.PerversionTrackerGivesMe-TheMenstrualCrampsSoBad.com, which makes us believe that netregistrar has been payed off, as we were informed that it would be only sold in the event the world had been taken over by anteaters.

Perhaps chief among our objections is that this ambitiously-named application does not seem to provide any actual way to view help, Apple apparently believes it is helping us by sending our multimedia files elsewhere, and by emitting random noises and smells, but not once did we view anything, and instead are left wishing that we had instead viewed the birth of an African Newt, or possibly a jazzersize session featuring Richard Simmons.

Apparently we are supposed to forget this fact after viewing the boring animation, asking questions that must have come from the deep pits of various “humor” sweatshops operated by John Moltz. Note that we were not impressed; in fact, we were so insulted by this distraction that we asked Apple to provide large amounts of figs to make up for the nutrients we were forced to excrete from our body. They responded by telling us that Apple ignited the personal computing revolution in some decade or other.

Having passed by the distractions of the suggestive icon and the animation, we quickly churned our bloody way through the menus, attempting to find something to satisfy our need for redemption from the sand flies attacking our sweaty gonads. We found, instead, an attempt to blow PVT out of this world by providing never ending loops, as can be seen when going to Help Center Help. We were so confused by this phenomenon, that we were forced to set fire to a wonderfully stress-relieving Furby.

The “Ask a Question” field did not function nearly as well as most users expected. It failed to properly answer many simple questions such as “Is there a God?” and “What’s the meaning of life?” and “Why do firemen wear red suspenders?”, usually responding with some form of inane technobabble, although it did quite well with “Do I need a new Mac?” The only conclusion that we can possibly come to is that Help Viewer’s answers are about as accurate as Spymac rumors about Mac PDAs.

Help Viewer seems to load at inopportune moments, interrupting many of our “happy times” with WebGrazer and making us wonder if Help Viewer is actually Apple’s hidden motive for destroying everything that is good and decent in this world of tears. We have yet to find evidence of simian involvement, but no doubt it will surface anon.

Searching within a particular app sends back dozens of unrelated responses from a multitude of applications, even some you did not know existed. Which is disturbing when encountering the hidden blog of Dan Knight. It’s painful to review the disgusting display of nonsense it returns. In fact, it’s more painful than being tortured mercilessly by a giant featherduster-wielding mutant space crab.

Apple, for making an application that required us to stop using WebGrazer and burn our favorite Furby all without even stepping foot into a Shoney’s Restaurant, we give you a 9.9, which may be altered later, due to the fact that we are still coming off the drugs and Barbie doll hypnosis.