War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
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We were overjoyed to hear of this particular title, especially with the glowing recommendations passed along by several readers. Our joy was further hydrogenated when we launched the application. Claiming to provide secure storage for serial numbers, passwords, and their ilk, Be_safe falls into a category of application that is filled to the brim with unparalleled bitwasters, largely created with a certain development environment. Yet merely noting these genetic flaws was not enough to ensure that it was truly awful in the way our readers demand.
Our first indication that Be_safe would live up to our most vile expectations was when the application began talking, informing us that the application was up to date. Soon, user interface elements also began talking, and only after minutes of frenzied search in the preferences dialog, were we able to locate, and extinguish, “vocal mode”. Be_safe is obviously attempting to fill the market niche of users who would pay $15 (31.96 Tongan Pa’anga) to be shouted at.
Next, the setup process. Obnoxiously, the application doesn’t ship with a needed encryption plug-in titled “ECB Blowfish,” due to export restrictions. In order to circumvent such restrictions, the software allows you to download the plug-in from an Icelandic server, where such restrictions don’t apply. Unfortunately, the process by which this is achieved is substantially less intelligent than a crate filled with freshly slaughtered nutria.
First, Be_safe gives you the choice of of downloading the plug-in from either the website, or “directly.” To my great dismay, the unwashed “programming talent” who has spawned this abysmal quagmire of extemporaneous sludge has a very different idea of “direct” from the usual one. Indeed, by sending the “direct” download through the browser, then demanding that the user locate the just-downloaded file, unquenchable burning pain can only result. And yet, this unforgivable attack through non-design has only just started. Once the file has been located, the application then claims some sort of unknown error has occurred, and immediately quits. Only by switching the settings to copy the file into the Application Support folder, can this scabies pustule posing as software be calmed.
Once the arduous setup task was accomplished, I was privileged enough to be able to view the set of morally revolting images appearing where toolbar buttons would normally live. These ugly crimes of crypto-iconica are about as unintuitive as a lint-powered soda machine that can only accept shouted drink requests in backwards Catalan, and is paid in barter with bundles of radishes.
The rest of this application is characterized by sweeping expanses of wasted UI space that possess neither grandeur nor breathtaking vision. I will conclude by mentioning this author’s predilection for rating his own software on a certain popular software update site under multiple pseudonyms. After inside sources confirmed that the author uses only a handful of IP addresses to do his dirty 5-star deeds of screen name transposition, we swiftly recommended that mass review deletions be engaged in. The gambit of deceptively reviewing your own titles is known in philosophy of software circles as “Pascal’s Wager,” in honor of Be_safe’s author. Better luck next time, bucko.
Pascal Nohl, we would recommend you adapt your demonstrated abilities in review writing towards peanut butter advertising scripts. We hear several major agencies are hiring, and perhaps they will treat you more kindly than the 10.7 I am supplying you with.
Posted by ladd at March 31, 2003 09:30 PM | TrackBackI swear, half the fun of wading through this offal is finding where they leached their program icon from. It's a scavenger hunt! Today's winner/victim is Pixeljerk. His site looks to be offline, but Xicons.com mirrors his work at http://www.xicons.com/designer.php?id=13
Kudos to Sphere Corner Technologies for geeking it up a notch with not only an underscore in the program name, but also the Star Trek font used throughout!
Posted by: Rob on March 31, 2003 10:42 PMThe phrase "about as unintuitive as a lint-powered soda machine that can only accept shouted drink requests in backwards Catalan, and is paid in barter with bundles of radishes" will now be required vernacular for any designer I work with.
Posted by: Alf Rehn on April 1, 2003 01:32 AMPlease, don't underestimate the quality needed to write a peanut butter commercial!! The commercial elected the best of 2002 in the Netherlands was actually for peanut butter! Believe it or not!
www.ster.nl
Posted by: Johan on April 1, 2003 03:49 AMmmm... Giant African Snails with peanut butter...
Posted by: Hodag on April 1, 2003 08:14 AMOk, VT has UFPS 2.0, so where's your four-one fun? Or is it TheScientist?
Posted by: on April 1, 2003 01:08 PMClearly this review was written by a competing shareware developer.
Posted by: the beast that shouted "ugh" at the heart of the world on April 1, 2003 02:27 PMI can understand the bartering for bundles of radishes, as it is customary in my land, but I have not witnessed the wonder that is a lint-powered soda machine.
Posted by: a backwards speaking Catalanian on April 1, 2003 04:28 PMReminds me of the Great Radish War of '08, when those nasty hooligans from the Hindu Kush rushed us from the Khyber Pass, brandishing the razor-sharp vegetables above their heads. They rendering us almost insensible with fear with their blood-curdling screams: "Bill Gates is coming! Bill Gates is coming!" I shudder to think of it still!
Thank God for the rapid-firing peanut-butter guns, and our regiment of highly disciplined cavalry, the King's Own Giant African Snails -- those slow but vicious fools of men, who threw themselves in front of those radishes and died in their hundreds. But they saved us all from a fate worse than Marky Mark -- total oblivion -- and even today, in the old Officers' Mess, we still raise a toast to the King's Own Snails ...
Those were the days, by God! Belvedere, a snifter of the Old Rotten Socks, if you please, and hold the ice!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 1, 2003 05:33 PMHomer: "Mrmmm… Nutria. Rlaaaaaaargh."
Beavis: "He heh, you said, 'Blowfish'."
Double Worsted: "AFAIK Blowfish code is in the public domain. Even of those countries which enforce licencing restrictions on cryptographic software, most do not place any on public domain cryptographic code. Hrmph. Well, 'Freaky' is all I say."
"And don't forget to bring yer 'potato gun.'"
Posted by: Double Worsted on April 1, 2003 06:13 PMP.S. Better to be underscore safe than sorry.
Posted by: Double Worsted on April 1, 2003 06:15 PMThe software is only as bad as this ugly web page. Yellow banner with that God awful logo and roll over. Only the small black text ( with red program title) on blue backdrop is worse. The software sucks but the web design here is unexcusable.
Fishman, your grasp of humor is also "unexcusable."
Be warned! This review is written by a person who does not like Be_safe. Why? Most reviews of this kind are posted by a competing shareware developer! The best way to rate a software is to try it.
[editor's note: this comment appears to be posted by Pascal Nohl, unless you can think of other luxembourgians.]
Posted by: Greily on April 1, 2003 10:36 PM*sob*
You caught me! My competitive product "Be_Paranoid_And_Wear_A_Tinfoil_Hat_On_Your_Jimmy" is about to be launched.
Thanks for nothing, you big meany-greily!
Posted by: Ladd on April 1, 2003 10:49 PMSo are you telling me I CAN'T send you these radishes to get my site advertised on PerversionTracker?
Posted by: durf on April 1, 2003 11:52 PMIs this Pascal guy for real? I can't believe the review section on VersionTracker... it's hilarious!
You're sure this whole thing wasn't made up just to get on PerversionTracker?
Posted by: Mike on April 2, 2003 03:08 PMBishop: "I like radishes."
Posted by: Double Worsted on April 2, 2003 05:52 PMWhat are those three icons in the upper right-hand corner? Rolls of toilet paper?
Posted by: Zrblm on April 4, 2003 02:17 PMEr, left-hand corner. Those icons are so ugly they gave me dyslexia.
Posted by: Zrblm on April 4, 2003 02:17 PMMaybe you should give a real review by actually trying the program's components :P
Posted by: PerversionTracker is Perverted on April 8, 2003 08:43 PM