Meditation Music 4.2.1

Meditation Music purports to produce music and accompanying visual effects, presumably to place the user in a meditative mood. The soul comes from without into the human body, as into a temporary abode, and it goes out of it anew into OpenGL-rendered windows, accompanied by frenzied drumming. Although the auto-generated ragas aren’t too bad, somehow the floating orbs containing flute players profoundly disturbed me. I mean, nobody really wants to see a horde of multi-colored sphere-enclosed flute players lunging at them, do they?

Perhaps this is a thinly concealed attempt by the primate conspirators to implant control directives into our minds, thru the power of hypno-flute-orb suggestion? Plus it’s not really fair — considering the variety of instruments, I think it would be entirely reasonably for musicians other than the flutist to also appear, each with their own unique musical action.

It is clear that santoor players should be wrapped, pig-in-a-blanket style in some sort of bun, while they grope at their instrument with those curved wooden sticks. Perhaps they could spin about so rapidly that they begin to vomit, with the resulting chunks floating around in the sky.

The guitar players, on the other hand, would be best covered in yogurt, and should collide heavily with each other on a frequent basis, producing a discordant array of string-breaking noises. Instead of a steel bar, they should use a New York strip steak, for maximum meditative effect.

Only two sitar players would be appear at any time, and would engage in “mortal sitar,” whereby they attempt to bludgeon the other musician with the gourd portion of the instrument and/or gouge their eyes with the special plectrum. Naturally, they would be equipped with rocket packs, to increase the excitement factor, as they fight to a horrifying and gore-spattered death in this soothing cloudscape.

Tabla players would principally keep up a jungle rhythm of 180 BPM, and wouldn’t provide much other excitement, other than occasional bursts of obnoxious snorting laughter, while muttering “heh heh.. he said ‘phakawaj’ … ‘phakawaj’, heh heh”

Finally, the violin players could double as the drill sergeants of this nirvanic application, and would frequently scream “ARE YOU AT ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE YET?? ANSWER ME, MAGGOT!!”

With these small enhancements, David Ahmed’s application could skyrocket from its current 8.4 rating to above a 10.

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