StevePerfect 5.3.2

There is a point in every software engineer’s career where they reach a pinnacle of creativity. A piece of code so finely honed that not a single line can be added or removed. No further optimizations possible, nor needed. User interface so elegantly adapted, it feels like an extension of the human body, or perhaps something better. Something larger, grander than our own small existence. An application so stunningly elegant and perfectly suited for its task that there can be no competitors. For Steven Massey, this is that application. Soaring to heights never before seen in software design, StevePerfect provides a pragmatic working environment for all tasks that any able-witted person would ever hope to embark upon. Not only can one write email, but StevePerfect also provides a complete National Public Radio listening environment. But these monumental features are not even a moiety of Steve’s breathtakingly visionary scope.

In a relentless pursuit of excellence, Steve has eliminated unneeded window resizing and scrolling features that can only interfere with the furious workflow that this application inspires in its users. The seamless integration of every mortice and pinion drives the user to relentlessly achieve. This extraordinary accomplishment has not gone unnoticed, or unrewarded. Among his cadre of devoted fans, Steve is an almost God-like figure, walking with divine grace through his hordes of followers. Steven Massey, what immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?

Although it is little known, the story of StevePerfect’s humble beginnings has been whispered in the darkest crannies of our most prestigious software development houses. Beginning the product at a lowly 0.0.1, Steve was not one to bow to the dread version inflation, carrying the product through one, two, three dot releases, and still Steve raged on, yea, in fell clutch of circumstance, Steve did not wince nor cry aloud. Bravely soldiering on, under the bludgeonings of chance, the bludgeonings of 532 dot releases, StevePerfect is at last perfect, and unbowed.

Truly this application has not, and perhaps will never be surpassed. Surpassed, I have now come to realize, in its desperate, grasping, completely futile inconsequentialness. This is truly hideous. The humanity! The buttons! The goat-cellophane-juice-pigs! The icon alone appears to be extracted from the poorly rendered opening sequences of an asian bootleg DVD. I have had fits of catarrh that were more pleasant to endure than this half-implemented junk heap. Further, I ask, nay beg, why nigh on 75% of all REALbasic applications feature an enormous advertisement for REALbasic? Does a sweaty REAL software marketing goon breath down your neck until it is implemented? Does the development environment actually require that heinous green cube to appear somewhere in the interface?

The sheer incongruity of the juxtaposition of completely unrelated features leaves one aghast, especially in light of the numerous Apple-supplied applications that perform these tasks with far greater ease and power. Preference checkboxes like “Display e-mail text in a larger font” indicate a particular ineptness — why can’t we simply choose a font size?

Steven Massey, for crimes of button size alone, you win our highest honor, the perfectastic 11!

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