War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
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L337.com
Meet the beautiful Betty. She works in an awful bar, far away from any major city, where the most wacky and fun characters go for some beers. But her dream is to own a bar in a tropical beach. Help her raise the needed money working in several different bars so she can fulfill her dreams!
Betty’s Beer Bar is a fast paced and addictive arcade game. Your task is to serve the customers as quickly as possible - keep them happy and they will give you huge tips. Serve them coffee when they’re about to get drunk, to keep them awake - drunk customers rarely pay!
With good reflexes and a sharp mind, Betty will earn enough money to leave her original work place and start progressing towards her own bar in the caribbean!
Like an octogenarian on the last night of an eight-day drunk, Mystery Studio has an uncanny knack for attacking innocent bystanders whilst armed only with a razor-sharp pair of dentures and a cast-off pair of “support hose.” This special talent for the infliction of pain can also be seen in this hideous distortion of the wildly popular and highly competitive genre of bar-tending games.
Packed with a “dynamite” cast of “wacky” customers, the bulky frustum of this heavily crusted divertissement is composed of tedium that has been ineptly alloyed with sloshy pabulum. The drunken nun, the escaped convict, the Martian emissary, the harem girl who has temporarily evaded the marauding cartloads of eunuchs that run riot through the streets of this wicked little town — all can rub shoulders and more savory body parts at Betty’s Bacchanalian Beer Business.
The occasional shifty-eyed Republican can even be seen here, expanding the faith-based electronic surveillance system and eager to prove that money CAN buy happiness — as many pints of happiness as you can afford, provided that big gubmint doesn’t take away your beer money to feed starving orphans, those bastards.
Billed as a “nonviolent” game, BBB makes up its sin quotient by objectifying hot chicks and promoting the spread of alcoholism. We feel that “fair and balanced” game-play would also promote the benefits of huffing herring packed in pressurized chloroform. We must ask a simple question of Mystery Studio: Why? Why do you hate freedom so much?
Is $19.95 (29,150 Iraqi Dinars) too high a price to pay for this cheesy slice o’ paradise? In a word, yes. A million times, yes! You could pick up low-mileage stinger missile for that kind of bread, and still have enough left over to take your fellow insurgents out for goat kebabs. Given such a pathetic cost/falafel thingy-bob, we feel obliged to save this software from international terrorism by destroying it.
Mystery Studio, please accept our most gelatinous 11.0 rating, a well-meant scimitar through your metaphorical heart, and an invitation to permeate the porous borders of America. It’s no Prague, but at least we know which side our mutton’s buttered on, if you catch our drift.
Posted by ladd at November 21, 2004 06:21 PM | TrackBackBratwurst.
Posted by: Huck on November 21, 2004 07:32 PMIf it's Prague, then it must be goulash.
Posted by: Mr.Clicky on November 22, 2004 03:34 AM*Whew*
It sure is a good thing that there was absolutely no pro-liberal anti-stupidity subtext in this entry. Absolutely ZERO instances of pointed Democratic barbs can be found. What a great relief.
On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that the "big gubmint" is using its new "historic 'mandate'" to expand its "faith-based electronic surveillance system" so that it can monitor everything I say. Now I refrain from using the words "president", "bomb", and "Allah" in close succession during all of my communications. Also, I am absolutely positive that there is nothing inflammatory in this review.
Seriously.
Posted by: Merlyn on November 22, 2004 05:42 AMI have a big missile.
Posted by: Thuros M. on November 22, 2004 07:01 AMIf you can't stand the heat, get out of the chicken.
Posted by: Democratic Barb on November 22, 2004 12:07 PMYeah, why do you hate freedom?
...
Oh. Now I get it.
Posted by: That guy you don't really want to know on November 22, 2004 02:19 PMThank GOD! I almost had to do something I would have really regretted.
Posted by: software review whore on November 22, 2004 05:06 PMGod, please kill the republicans. They're making beer games.
Posted by: Colthere on November 22, 2004 07:34 PMMy god, why can't we just get along?
Oh, right...
Nevermind. Carry on.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on November 22, 2004 08:33 PMStill havink der political mewlinks!
Posted by: oif! on November 23, 2004 09:37 AMI had a lot of fun reading your comments on our beloved game! I agree I'd have much more fun with a $19.95 Stinger but that's beyond the point (and fortunately for us, a lot of people prefer to buy the game).
About promoting alcoholism, it's a funny thing that nobody at Mystery Studio likes beer. Kind if ironic, isn't it? We do like hot chicks though.
We don't hate freedom, but we aren't republican either. Before your head explodes because this apparent imposibility, let me point out there's a third option for the "with us or against us" dilemma : we are nowhere near the US, so our option is "N/A".
Posted by: Gabriel on November 25, 2004 06:13 AMGabriel, shut up.
You suck-up money-grubbing whore. So you think it's all fun and games corrupting America's youth? I despise thee and your countrymen for distributing app-clot like this. Have a good day.
Posted by: Colthere on November 25, 2004 06:24 AMSo you think it’s all fun and games corrupting America’s youth?
No, there's also some profit involved.
Posted by: Gabriel on November 25, 2004 07:19 AMI have a big weiner!
Posted by: longdongsilver on November 25, 2004 12:14 PMIT'S A CONSIPIRACY I SAY! A CONSPIRACY DAMNIT!! IT MUST BE THE REPUBLICAN'S FAULT!!! THIS IS WHAT WE GET FOR ALLOWING BUSH BACK INTO OFFICE!!!!
I just spend a whole day yesterday being a tryptophan junkie, mainlining that stuff like there was no tomorrow. Now that it IS tomorrow, I'm paying the price. So what do you think I wanted to see in here today? The same dumb game review I've seen earlier this week?
NO! I WANTED TO FEED MY FOUL OBSESSSION AND SEE A FANCY TURKEY THAT AMAZINGLY SURVIVED THE DAY!
Great, now I'm getting all excited again and stuff. Don't mess with a man in the grips of a tryptophan binge! I'LL KILL YOU ALL ... in my sleep.
Wake me up when the next batch is ready ...
Posted by: Walking Contradiction on November 26, 2004 11:49 AMNow, the sequel to the smash(ed) hit, Betty's Beer Bar:
Benny's Beer Belly! Help Benny swill down keg after keg of brew as he builds his enormous beer belly! Avoid hazards like collapsing bar stools and the mighty porcelain goddess to earn powerups like the wheelbarrow to help Benny move his swelling belly!
Posted by: Uncertain Future on November 26, 2004 12:01 PMWhooo-hooooo! We asked for 4 more, we got four more!
Too bad, Perversiontracker, your liberal weinie whinings are in vain....
Posted by: dingdonghihothederryoh on November 27, 2004 03:35 AMWoooo-hooooo! 4 more years of killing for oil! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! REPUBLICANS UNITE AND KILL OUR CHILDREN! YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
Posted by: Colthere on November 27, 2004 08:19 PMUncertain ... you want any help with that game? Sounds like more fun than we've seen in here in a while ...
Homer:
"All these guys with six pack abs, and I'm the only one with a keg."
Beeeeeeeer *drool*
Posted by: Homer on November 30, 2004 05:52 PMi have no beer and no bratwurst
Posted by: Bigfoot on November 30, 2004 05:53 PM