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Picture this: a penguin, contentedly nestled in a fluffy cloud drifting slowly over the over the tropics of equatorial New Guinea. The cloud is made of herb-flavored cotton candy, with sprigs of fresh rosemary bristling from the edges like toothpicks from a hamster. Far below the cloud, a young child is playing pickup sticks and eating a peach. On the penguin’s jacket are two ribbons honoring him for extraordinary contributions to the field of Happiness and Contentment. Following the cloud is a flock of rare whooping cranes on their way to a new, idyllic home far away from injustice and hurt.
I was that penguin. I was that penguin before GL Golf came along and ruined it all; replaced the harmonious rosemary-based herb combination with a harsher one centered around cardamom and pandemonium. The child’s peach has been replaced with a spiny pufferfish; the pickup sticks with needles. Someone has prefixed the ribbons’ words with “un-” in scrawled permanent marker, and the cranes have been gleefully taken out by a ten year-old with a shotgun.
GL Golf is a 3D Golf game with a realistic physics system and a great graphics, with all the features of a true golf game, such as 18 different holes, obstacles such as sand traps, water, and trees, and great music!
Damn, it’s in the sandy stuff!
Having only played “true” golf once in my life (with my hypochondriacal uncle, Jim), I am not quite qualified, per se, to critique the realism and playability of the actual “golf” portions of the game, however I feel this screenshot nicely sums up what I mostly likely would say if I knew more about golf:
The Second Coming of the Multicolor Gradient
But let us not allow this hipo de la sabiduría to distract us from our purpose: exposing GL Golf for what it is; like the egg-shaped piece of plastic that is not an egg, GL Golf is a poseur, a sad pretender to the throne of greatness. An excerpt from the in-game music, which was explicitly declared “great” by the developer, has been reproduced here for the reader’s listening pleasure:
Smooth!
From said music, we can generate a mental picture of the overall greatness of the software. And the picture, gentle reader, is not rosy-cheeked and lively, and it is certainly not “vibrant.” Sadly enough, the music is perfectly representative of what you may expect from GL Golf: slag, scoria, and dross. No matter how green the grass, how blue and textured the water, you cannot escape the inescapable (ha!) fact that it is a golf game, and golf games will always be righteously derided and scorned. This one lacks even that most comforting of superficialities: the animated player; a character to identify with and commiserate, to egg on and cheer, someone to be with during rough times; Lord knows one wants these things, but one is denied by the cold austerity of GL Golf. Oh the inhumanity!
Nuclear Nova Software, we had sympathy until you started writing multiple four-star reviews of your own software on VersionTracker: “I have fun playing all 18 holes of my own game, and I admit its [sic] not as good as tiger woods, but thats [sic] why its [sic] SHAREWARE, so I will give myself a 4 star.” Although there is a certain perversely attractive logic in this statement, sadly, it falls a tad short of convincing. Nuclear Nova, take this 10.2 rating and hang it on the little clothesline in your soul with the rest of the golf memorabilia. Happy trails—we wish you a joyful eternity playing all 18 holes of your game!
Posted by jan at April 12, 2004 11:17 PM | TrackBackWhat a great review of an awful program!
Posted by: madnicholas on April 12, 2004 09:44 PMIt would be so easy to just bolter them, no jury in the world would convict me....
Rating your own game? Multiple times??
This is a person who can't take criticism at ALL.
That music is the elevator music from hell. It's just so "easy going" and "smooth" that it makes me want to condemn every person in sight and kill them all. For the love of God, learn something about music or find someone who knows a thing or two about music before you add your own soundtrack to a game!
I bet you could find more enjoyment with a demo of a professional golf game than with the full version of this game.
Norm, commence chippering of the heretic.
Posted by: Laemkral on April 12, 2004 10:56 PMIt is not often that I can golf, mambo and sit on my ass all at the same time, Bravo... bravo.
Posted by: David Valley on April 12, 2004 11:59 PMHaving little musical taste myself, I really don't mind the music. What I do mind is the way the program overrides your system sound settings when playing the music.
I have my computer hooked up to Soundsticks, but to make sleep possible for those around me anights, I switch my output to headphones. The game joyfully ignored my polite request that it not blare its soothing tunes out of my speakers at decidedly un-soothing decibel levels, and decided rather that it would force its general midi rhythms into the awareness of previously sleeping people for blocks around.
Fortunately the music was so smooth that they immediately fell asleep again, but I don't imagine the "bypass system settings" feature tickles me as much as it did the developer.
Posted by: Vaska on April 13, 2004 12:37 AMjust checkn in
Posted by: michael eisner on April 13, 2004 07:52 AMHey Mr. Eisner,
Why don't you spend less time posting on PvT and more time making movies that don't suck.
I almost forgot...
badger
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on April 13, 2004 08:31 AMI have a big weiner, so gimme some lovin'.
Posted by: longdongsilver on April 13, 2004 11:24 AMi don't make the movies, idiot, check the credits where it'll show the names of people like the producer, director, etc.
duh
No, you didn't MAKE the movies. But you're the schmuck who okayed production on the them, ya putz. Sure you got a few decent things done, such as Pirates, but I'm betting that was by sheer dumb luck!!!
Now that we've begun this wonderful process of repenting, here's a whip. Use it upon your back 3 times a day. This is a perscription whip, which means it's against federal law to use it upon anyone else or have it used by anyone else.
See me again for another appointment in a couple months.
Posted by: Laemkral on April 13, 2004 02:14 PMI have carefully read the review two times but there's still one thing that is not clear to me: at which hole exactly is the nude mud wrestling taking place?
Posted by: Scientyprickally Correct on April 13, 2004 02:26 PMAs for longdong; if you're looking for some hot lovin' ask Nancy Nipples and 5 of her lady friends and you'll be playing the 18 holes as well!
Posted by: Scientyprickally Correct on April 13, 2004 02:36 PMHey Eisner,
I'm an idiot? You green-lighted Treasure Planet, The Alamo, and Home on The Range; you are losing Pixar even though you laid off all of your talented animators. 43% of shareholders withheld from voting for you and there are dozens of anti-Eisner websites (e.g. www.savedisney.com).
If it weren't for the Pixar films and Walt's legacy, you would have dragged your company into Chapter 11 years ago.
-Badger
http://www.hotel-online.com/News/2004_Mar_02/k.PHD.1078249148.html
Posted by: Fire Eisner on April 13, 2004 04:43 PMAnd then there's the licensing issue. That music is Luiz Bonfá's Black Orpheus. Wonder if they paid for it.
Posted by: Hum along with Mitch on April 13, 2004 04:55 PM"The child’s peach has been replaced with a spiny pufferfish..."
Spiny pufferfish sucking! Hmmmmm...making a bloody mess out of my mouth seems like fun. jan, I just don't get your analogy. I always get cheers whenever I throw blind puppy dogs into the wood chipper. It seems to me that you need to work on the visual images you paint with your words. For example, use "mutilated long dong (silver) hostess ho-hos" or at least have the spiney pufferfish say, "Bite me!" I have a better idea, just get naomi drunk and have her write your reviews. There is nothing more refreshing than having naomi drunk with a keyboard in her hand. Holy shit, I feel so excited by the thought that I am going to go read some spam (poor man's porn). Damn, I keep saying naomi's name...did you see that, I said naomi again! Hey naomi, would you like to have "comment section" sex? I have a sharpened turd you can play with.
Hell, let's all have a comment section orgy!
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on April 13, 2004 05:57 PMI`m looking for a girlfriend.
Posted by: Sigmund Fraud on April 13, 2004 06:20 PMHey Siggy boy, is that a cigar in your hand or are you just glad to see me?
Posted by: Nancy Nipples on April 13, 2004 07:19 PMYou`re clearly suffering from penis-envy. My couch is free sat. 11 am for a hypnotizing session. Bring your girlfriends, too.
P.S. I`m looking for a romantic long-term relationship.
Posted by: Sigmund Fraud on April 14, 2004 05:44 AMbut i'm still the man.
Posted by: michael eisner on April 14, 2004 07:26 AMDear Michael Eisner,
No, I'm the Mann. You even say so when you read my name.
Posted by: U. D. Mann on April 14, 2004 08:44 AMwhat's wrong with the alamo ?
Posted by: michael eisner on April 15, 2004 01:21 PMI _so_ wanted to download and play this wonderful item, I headed on over to the developer's site. Sadly, it appears that they have exceeded their bandwidth limit, and so I am denied this pleasure. Looks like I'm stuck whacking off to pictures of dead mammals, then.
Posted by: tufty on April 16, 2004 12:47 AMEisner said, "what’s wrong with the alamo ?"
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Disney may want to forget "The Alamo."
The much-hyped historical film, which cost as much as $140 million to make and market, met box office disaster during its opening weekend, pulling in only $9.2 million and leading some analysts to trim second-quarter earnings estimates for The Walt Disney Co.
"The Alamo" is unlikely to recoup its costs, even at the international box office and in DVD release, some analysts said Monday.
Posted by: Eisner is an idiot on April 16, 2004 08:26 AMMaybe we should start reviewing useless movies.
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on April 16, 2004 12:17 PMNuts, it says "18 different holes". I was hoping to play the same one 18 times (preferably with the nude mud wrestling). So much for this POS.
BTW, excellent review, Jan.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on April 16, 2004 03:24 PMEat your greens
Don't forget your beans & celery
Don't forget to bring
Your fake I.D.
Eat a bunch of these
MAGNIFICENT
With sauerkraut
MMMMMMMMMMM
Sauerkraut
Eat a grape, a fig
A crumpet too . . .
You'll pump 'em right through
Doo-wee-ooo
I rarely download the programs reviewed here because of their inherent awfulness, but I gave in and downloaded GL Golf.
jan, you may have to revise the rating; they've removed the Multicolor Gradient™ from the shareware message! Then again, the difference between a 10.1 and a 10.2 is hardly worth bothering.
Posted by: Mickey Knox on April 18, 2004 02:09 PMNever play golf in the springtime in Australia. Nesting magpies ferociously defend their nests and peck at your head.
That is all.
Posted by: aussie boy on April 18, 2004 04:51 PMPfft!
BFD.
Magpies? You Aussies are wusses.
I was playing golf on Jekyll Island (off the coast of Georgia) last week. The water hazard by the 4th hole included its own 8-ft. alligator. That's a bit rough for a rough. I didn't spend much time looking for any lost balls there.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on April 18, 2004 05:41 PMAlligators? Pshaw!
We have much worse than that in Australia. Ever hear of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter? Imagine having to put up with that idiot all the time!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 18, 2004 09:48 PMSo true! and if you are one of his kids, your life expectancy is about 3 years! :P
oh and I have a bike helmet covered in peck marks from a magpie... magpies are heaps more ferocious than some "8ft Alligator." I laugh at you alligatory weakness. Ho ho ho.
Posted by: on April 18, 2004 10:20 PMsorry above postie-poo is me... damn "forget me" button... grrrrr
trust me... your future is pretty uncertain when you have to cycle, every day, past a tree in which magpies are nesting. I still wet the bed from the nightmares. oh, the horror!
Posted by: oops... its Ozi on April 18, 2004 10:22 PMYer a reg'lar Tippi Hedren, mate.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on April 19, 2004 03:38 AMActually, just to put UF's comments into perspectives, the "man-eating" alligator is largely a myth.
Alligators eat smaller creatures, and would more likely be frightened by a full-grown adult human being.
Australia's saltwater crocodile, however -- also known as the 'magpie' -- has been known to climb trees in golf courses and swoop on unsuspecting players, eating them in a single gulp.
OK, that last bit isn't true at all. I'm sorry.
The crocodiles actually have to chew on the golfers quite a bit before they can swallow them.
Posted by: aussie boy on April 19, 2004 04:07 AMJust to put the "myth" in perspective:
From EcoFlorida Magazine:
However, alligators do occasionally attack people. There have been 13 reported fatal alligator attacks on people in Florida since the 1950s, and 15 to 20 non-fatal alligator attacks occur in Florida each year, according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Most alligator attacks on people seem to take place while people are in the water.
And BugBog.com states:
The American alligator, alligator mississippiensis, is responsible for all known alligator attacks on humans.
So your wimpy Aussie crocs may run away, but real red-blooded American gators will take you down like Norm's woodchipper.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on April 19, 2004 06:47 AMThem American 'gators must be Republicans.
Posted by: Scientyprickally Correct on April 19, 2004 10:49 AMDagnabit! You been talkin' to that blabbermouth Powell, too? That's supposed to be my super-secret ultraplan for gettin' reelected. Cheney's been breedin' special 'Publican gators to eat up all of them evil Dem-o-crats. It would look bad on my resume to have Harris and the Supreme Court steal the election fer me agin.
Posted by: George W. Bush on April 19, 2004 12:21 PMAll your base...
Posted by: A.Y.B.A.B.T.U. on April 20, 2004 08:25 AMHi,
I'm the developer, and I want to say thanks for the free publicity, GL Golf has made over 600 bucks so far, so that proves to me that regardless of what you say its a fun game to a lot of people. Also, yeah that gradient sucked so I replaced it in that version, you used the shareware message from 1.1 which sucked!
I can think of so many worse games off the top of my head, but then again its free publicity for my game, and I actually had on average 2 or 3 users a day buying GL Golf right after the 12th!
Also, to the guy who said that I had bandwidth limits, what are you talking about, it works fine for me!
Posted by: Nuclear Nova on April 24, 2004 06:43 PMYour program sucks dick. You're welcome for this "publicity".
Posted by: Colthere on May 6, 2004 07:39 PMTake in mind that there are a large amount of stupid people on the web. Hello, I am the princess of nigeria, btw. Can you give me your bank account so we can make large scale transactions? I promise not to steal...
your soul....
your money however... that is a different story.
By the way, I had written out a check for GL golf. I enjoyed myself so much. Then I realized the enjoyment was from smashing the living shit out of my iBook due to the overwhelmingly calming muzak and the luscious 3d environment.
Admittantly, I could not have programmed that program.
But if I could, it wouldn't have been as shitey.
LAST POST! WOO!
whew... almost forgot that time
Posted by: Cyanide on May 26, 2004 02:25 PMCongratulations on making the last post, Cyanide!
Whoops ... Sorry 'bout that.
Posted by: aussie boy on July 20, 2004 04:42 AM