I aints be seein' no chicken.

Yes... fancy chickens are often elusive and hard to spot from a distance. For best results, we suggest that you squint ferociously at the monitor from a distance no greater than two centimeters while humming the "Rawhide" theme song and lightly spanking the naked buttocks of a close friend in a rhythmic manner.

If you still have trouble despite careful adherence to this method, please send a color photo of yourself attempting to view the fancy chicken so that we can diagnose and treat your problem.

Next patient?

Handsome little clucker. Bantam?

fun fact #326

Did you know that the chicken is the most devious of all the flightless birds? Its true, thats why State and Federal law officals are constantly busting up identity theft rings lead by chickens.

Why do I think Naomi will dread the fact that she's asked PvT readers to send them pictures of themselves trying to view fancy chickens using the method she's provided?

Oh the humanity!

Wouldn't "Bolero" be a better choice than humming "Rawhide"? Who wants to hump a chicken during Rawhide? I play Bolero when operating my wood chipper. The combination of bloody body parts spitting out the back and Bolero is literally orgasmic.

I only hum the theme from the A-Team while slapping my buddies naked ars. It makes me feel funny.

I'm hungry. Where'd I put my Cricket gun?

I have a big weiner.

You want to here my theory why longdongsilver always says, "I have a big weiner," well, here it is.

[Crassitude snipped]

Does anybody else have any alternative explanations for his behavior?

I would guess that longdong has an inferior wang, there for he must constantly state that his shlong is of great perportions as that is his wangs only saving grace. I my not have a big weiner but it is a superior wang none the less.

Norm, Mr. Silver operates a hot dog pushcart in Times Square. Placed strategically opposite the New York Times, one of the last traditional XXX porno houses near the Deuce, Mr. Silver has been cited repeatedly for confusing condiments with condoms.

The resulting lurid publicity resulted in drooping sales and sagging self-esteem. However, Mr. Silver's resolve to penetrate the market stiffened in the face of public resistance.

However, Mr. Silver has fallen on hard times. He has taken to spamming the internet in an effort to sell his last remaining giant stale wiëner.

Norm, can you help? For just a few dollars you can take Mr Silver's stale wiëner off his hands and allow him to achieve his impossible lifelong dream of eradicating his head lice.

Woe there PvT staff; nay, woe is me! I have sinned, and now I must pay the price. PvT, you have shown me the right way. I will discontinue my practice of kitten-eating (which I unfortunately detailed in my previous, edited comment) immediately as per your wise suggestion.

I salute you PvT staff for building up my reputation regardless of my own attempts to sabotage it. It has been a long time since I have been "edited" for the public good, and you are right, it is very good. And public. It's nice to know that I can still push your buttons, but it's even nicer to know that those buttons are completely worn out by ages of ham-handed misuse.

On the particulars of what I wrote, it was not damn funny, but crass. Your editing of my comments REALLY contributes to the mystique and panache of Strom Thurmond. Right now, someone out there is saying, "What the hell did Norm say!?" And they would be right to say that, absolutely correct. A thousand years from now historians will debate the lost text of Norm O. Tidwell, but only for a few minutes, because the lunch buffet will be absolutely fabulous at the conference and none of the historians will want to ruin their appetite with such a disgusting discussion.

All this editing, it shows you still love me! To thank you, I am giving you all free wood chipper rides on me!

Nice cock!!

Thank you.

I thought sushi was specifically made from fish. Now you want us to eat raw chicken? I am thoroughly confused.

OK, I will say just nine words. Hear this...

Did longdongsilver just said "Thank you"? Whar's up with that? Which one of you idiots just rubbed hus pet python named sparky?

Hey Norm,

Right now in front of my house is a great big wood chipper! The garderers are throwing in the tree I'm having removed. Any suggestions as to what else I should throw in?

Oooh, I have something big I'd like to throw in!

Bunnies! I call the bunnies! I love watching them go through a woodchipper! And tempura-battered bull testicles - with the bull still attached! Quite exhilerating, really.

Um, it's quite exhilarating, actually. Spelling errors are quite embarassing. I'll have to napalm a few squirrels to atone.

Um, spelling errors are quie embarrassing, actually. Now I'll have to disembowel some of the neighborhood cats and eat their still-beating hearts while Riverdancing. Sheesh. Pseudo-religious rites can be so aggravating.

Um, spelling errors are quite embarrassing. I'll spare you the details.

Dear U. D. Mann,

Your wits.

Dear longdongsilver,

If you throw in what we think you are going to throw in, you will blow up the wood chipper because you will explode from too much excitement from the vibration.

Dear Uncertain Future,

Oh gee wiz, putting tempura-batter on bull testicles still on the bull doesn't sound like a very wise thing to do since the bull may find it stimulating. Since you would be the closest thing to the bull at that moment, the bull may decide to have its way with you. Remember that it is OK to do a barn yard animal, but it is bad karma for a bull to get its jollies at your expense.

Indeed, it is better to give than to receive, when it comes to farm friends.

Norm:

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

Dear Uncertain Future,

With all due respect, you should listen to me. I speak from experience.

Hey wait a minute, that last statement didn't come out right did it.