War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
Sponsored by
L337.com
This crusty burnt offering is the latest in a long line of unforgivable insults from the shadowy figure who goes by the nom de nerd of John Moltz and often channels a number of alternate personalities, including Chet MacGruder, Masako Yamamoto, the Entity, and — when he’s been hitting the Gritty McDuff’s Pale Ale — Howard the Talking Dog.
You may say that this confused man deserves our pity, not our censure, but you are a gullible dolt. It’s time to expose the slick musky underbelly of Moltz the Weasel.
Once we thought Moltz was our friend, doing the things that friends do: posting reciprocal links, stealing our best lines, challenging us to shouting matches in the public library, sneaking out to the dump at midnight to shoot rats…
But all the camaraderie and bonhomie and fucking joie-de-vivre has vanished like a cheerleader’s panties at a kegger, only to be replaced by a cold unwelcoming wasteland of gimmicks and gags and geegaws and gimcracks and glib gibes, and this just isn’t the Moltz we knew and tolerated.
We thought we had something true, something beautiful, something that would last all night. You came into our hearts so tenderly, with a burning love that stings like a bee. Ooh, baby, baby, where did our love go?
This version of CARS is a montage of poopy pastel pretension, and we’re not just saying that because we’re jealous. We’re saying it because we’re angry and bitter. Giant Squid Productions, your inky secretions are clogging our overtaxed kidneys. We refuse to dignify your latest “production” with a score from the prestigious PerversionTracker School of Software Criticism. Put that in your weasel-pipe and smoke it. You weasel.
Download CARS
Posted by naomi at March 16, 2004 02:19 PM | TrackBackwhat?
Posted by: michael eisner on March 16, 2004 02:53 PMFirst!
Posted by: First! on March 16, 2004 02:55 PMi cannot beleive you dissed cars!
Cars is one of my fav sites.
i think i may remove pvt from my bkmrk and never veiw pvt ever again.
and i do like hillbilly wack
Dear first.
you were not first.
i was first not you.
idiot.
Mmmmm..... them's FIGHTIN' words!
Posted by: Skan on March 16, 2004 03:01 PMDear Eisner,
What's with all the lame-assed abridgement of words? Is it really so hard to type the word bookmark as opposed to bkmrk? Or do you have something against vowels?
Posted by: Nick on March 16, 2004 03:32 PMMy Dearest Naomi,
Hey, where's the god damn rating?! What the fuck kind of slip-shod operation are you running over here? I demand my mother fucking rating!
Much love,
Moltz
It's all pretty weird actually. We've got Moltz over there dismantling Masako's more attractive website while she's away, we got Nick over at CARS complaining about how they need to be vigilant in order to prevent a PvT kind of decay (well, they have your IP now, Nick), we have an entire CARS comments section worth of people who can't identify a color (along with fuddes, it seems), and we have what appears to be orange, sorry, 'pumpkin' frames here.
Oh, well...
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on March 16, 2004 05:29 PMBilly ...never mind.
Moltz has been messed up since he acquired his Schiller fixation.I think the new color must be that of Schillers bedroom.
You sicken even a shameless schill such as myself.
Posted by: Billy Mays on March 16, 2004 05:53 PMThis background color is obviously "tangerine sorbet." So tasty, so smooth...
Posted by: fancy chicken fancier on March 16, 2004 06:21 PMI just recalibrated my monitor under 10.3, just to make sure.
Pumpkin.
And split-pea-soup-with-mucus.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on March 16, 2004 06:58 PMActually, I rather like this color. It so reminds me of Norm's bedroom.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on March 16, 2004 07:22 PMGUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, "CARS"
Posted by: Lowtax Looper on March 16, 2004 07:34 PMI like the redesign here. The color works for me and I love the new slogan. Very obscure in this day and age.
Posted by: Peter of the Norse on March 16, 2004 09:38 PMI'm actually quite fond of the new color. Here and over at CARS. It looks very pumpkin to me.
They may take my IP, but they will never take my FREEDOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
I don't think that the content of the site has deteriorated at all, it's the quality of the posts. Call me a puritan, but I recall fondly the days of yore, when it was just posts from the greats: Mickey Knox, Aussie Boy, U.D. Mann, Fuddes, Leibnitz, Laemkral, Uncertain Future, Thuros, Myself, The Valrus, Winky, Previously Insane, Double Worsted, Batgirl, The Van Tols and, God help me, even Norm O. (freaking) Tidwell. Sure we had some hard times, remember the inquisition or Aussie drinking habit, but we got through them together. These posts are the glue that hold us together and they've been desecrated by a bunch of ingrates who want to say the word 'fuck' on the internet. Although, I haven't been around in a couple weeks so maybe the problem took care of itself.
Ah fuck it, where's my propeller hat?
Posted by: Nick on March 16, 2004 09:50 PMWho cares? Nobody is going to read CARS no more, since everybody is banned for life!
(intentional double negative in the above)
I have a big weiner.
And by God, naomi certainly has a way with words. This post was beautiful.
Posted by: longdongsilver on March 17, 2004 05:16 AMI would to just comment on the new decor for the PvT web site. I think the pumpkin puke color is refreshing like an all night binge and purge session. What is really special is the fancy chicken in the upper right corner. I think we should elevate the status of that particular chicken to PvT staff member and give it an entry on the reviewers profile page. I also think we should give that chicken a name befitting such a rank like "Pecker Head Pete".
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on March 17, 2004 08:18 AMummm, i am a bit concerned... cause, uhh ya know, naomi and john are the same person, soo... just wonderin about the whole... thing... that has to do with... the stuff... that... dreams are made of?! What the?! anywho just gonna go let you, two, rather you one... mentally fight yourself... yes... i will now leave... now.
You gotta give John Moltz some credit. He takes his drubbing, but keeps on coming back. He appears to be even more resilient than Nick's rubber bed sheets!
I swear, that's the last time I buy generic rubber bed sheets.
Posted by: Nick on March 17, 2004 09:50 AMIs is 'pumpkin puke' or baby diarrhea brownish
Posted by: http://www.bradthegame.com/ on March 17, 2004 09:54 AMGood times, good times!
Ultimate happy!
Posted by: on March 17, 2004 12:36 PMAre there pictures of Naomi naked?
Posted by: Jan Dockx on March 17, 2004 12:58 PMYou want to buy some?
Posted by: Uncertain Future on March 17, 2004 02:17 PMI'm one of "the greats?" Awwwwww, Nick, you big kidder!
Posted by: The Valrus on March 20, 2004 11:42 AMI can't wait until I grow breasts, have the operation and become a woman.
'Cause I'm going to make one helluva lesbian!
Posted by: Hormone Therapy on March 21, 2004 08:59 PMAre these guys, like, your cousins, or something?
http://www.enduringvision.com/thecaper/caper1.htm
Posted by: Andrusela on March 22, 2004 10:53 AMCousins? Don't talk to me about no dang cousins!
My bitch's cousins done landed on our doorstep last week and et us out o' trailer'n'home!
And drank all o' the moonshine I had hid in the chemical toilet!
Well, I think it wuz the moonshine, cuz it certainly did send 'em blind!
Posted by: Hillbilly Billy on March 22, 2004 04:47 PMi wish to confirm that cars is amongst my fav websites.
thanks to cars.