War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
Sponsored by
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Calculate your weight on every planet in the Solar System, including the moons of Jupiter. You can also calculate your weight on the Sun, a White Dwarf, and a Neutron Star.
It’s not often that a software developer has the furry cojones to use the dark side of the moon as a logo. So we analyzed the subtext of this bold poetic device, and found a flimsy, suppurating bundle of denied rage, quiet desperation and unripe Gorgonzola cheese.
We suspect that many of our readers are reluctant to claim their obvious spiritual kinship with Steven Schlansker and Tim Jurka, the self-styled “high school employees” who founded Flamin’ Ghost Software — originally OrangeProductions.net for reasons that are, no doubt, shaky and best left concealed — and continue to steer this youthful identity-crisis of a company down the rocky road sundae to ruin.
When you say “Schlansker-Jurka” really fast, doesn’t it make you think of a German bomber with a 14-cylinder radial air-cooled engine, a rear-facing rotating ball turret, five well-greased machine guns and a corybantic crew of four? Yes, yes, of course it does. But we have no time for your wartime nostalgia — snap out of it, doughboy!
MoonWeight is free and a remarkably fast download, and for this we salute it with fully-extended enthusiasm. Oh, if only this app’s promising start wasn’t marred by its brushed metal surface and basic lack of all possible utility for anyone who isn’t a stargazing dieter.
FGSoft.net, please cushion your next landing with our flamin’ 10.8, and good luck ground-truthing your weight on the Sun!
Download MoonWeight
Posted by naomi at March 4, 2004 05:47 PM | TrackBackI'm trying to remember a single well-produced German bomber equipped with a ball turret.
And wasn't it the British that had those weird 14-cylinder jobbies?
Sokay, you're still special.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on March 4, 2004 06:08 PMYou know, I never really considered what my weight might be on other celestial bodies. Now that I have, I still don't give a shit.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on March 4, 2004 06:36 PMYou might not care, but I was a swimsuit model on Neptune, and found it pretty much impossible to manage my weight after our invas... I mean, after I emigrated to your pretty blue planet. MoonWeight was a lifesaver that provided me with a straight-forward way to relate my pre-Terran weight to my current situation.
But does it do metric? I mean, most of the hot run-way work is Europe, right?
Posted by: z'spnsht;fr on March 4, 2004 07:06 PMYeah, yeah, yeah. . . ball turrets are in the eye of the beholder and, dude, have you ever SEEN a Junker 188?
Me neither.
But I hear it's spantastic. For a 14-cylinder radial-engine air-cooled German bomber, anyway.
So, any chance of my ball turrets be holdin' by you?
I'm free pretty much all next week...
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on March 4, 2004 08:38 PMthe dark side of the moon isn't actually dark, we simply can't see it.
Posted by: LKM on March 4, 2004 11:45 PMI have a big weiner.
Posted by: longdongsilver on March 4, 2004 11:58 PMWhat's this about furry kjones? How do the rest of us (apart from Norm, obviously) go about getting our monikers in a PVT review?
Posted by: El Capitano Corelli on March 5, 2004 02:23 AMOooh! New rule! Pedantry is only permitted if you're actually right. The dark side of the moon is dark when the sun ain't shining on it. Here on earth, we call that phenomenon "night."
Note to self: Stop making penis references. It just encourages the little pricks.
Posted by: naomi on March 5, 2004 07:18 AMIs anyone else as amazed as I am that no one has made a joke about how much they weigh on Uranus? Oops, never mind, I just did.
BTW, I pack ungodly pipe!
Posted by: U. D. Mann on March 5, 2004 01:00 PMShould I sue?Its obviously a reference to an album I made with some old mates.Anybody got Eminems number?
Posted by: Roger Waters on March 5, 2004 04:05 PM"Pedantry is only permitted if you’re actually right."
Cool! I get to be pedantic all the time now!
But won't this new rule seriously affect the production of new reviews?
Posted by: Leibnitz,N. on March 5, 2004 07:28 PMSigh, Leibnitz, I thought you understood how this works. These sorts of rules only apply to everyone else, not reviewers. Really, I expected more sycophantic zeal from you.
Posted by: Jan on March 5, 2004 09:15 PMThank you all, it's been the destiny of MoonWeight to be listed on Perversion Tracker-- we've known it from the beginning. :-D (Although it wasn't listed as quickly as we had hoped) ;-)
Posted by: Tim Jurka on March 5, 2004 09:41 PMthis is an app that is worth it for determining the weight og my enormous penis on the moon.
what happens to ejaculatory products on the moon.
also can calculate the weight of the butt cheecks on the moon.
Posted by: willey weight on March 6, 2004 06:20 AMi can only hope that my enormous girlfriend would weigh less on the other moons and planets.
I'm getting tired of her crushing me.
Posted by: she's a biggin!`` on March 6, 2004 06:23 AMi'm gonna go play hillbilly wack.
Posted by: billy hill on March 6, 2004 06:29 AMoh ye well i'm a gonna go wack a hillbilly
Posted by: bill wacahill on March 6, 2004 06:30 AMi actually like hillbilly wack!
Posted by: like it on March 6, 2004 06:31 AMi like wackin hillbillies wack ack wack wack wack ack ack ack wack ack ack-ack.
Posted by: wackem on March 6, 2004 06:32 AMi'm going to have to stp by littel bro from using my dual 2gz g5
Posted by: sorry all on March 6, 2004 06:33 AMRibbit
badger
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on March 6, 2004 06:32 PM*points at Tim Jurka*
He did it!
:p
I plead guilty on all charges-- although the article was pretty funny...
- Tim
Posted by: Tim Jurka on March 7, 2004 05:07 PMActually, if you'd drag your "enormous penis" out of your space suit on the moon to check what happens to ejaculatory products there, it would explode instantly. No, not in that way, but literally!
Everyone has dynamite in his pants on the moon!
Posted by: Scientyprickally Correct on March 8, 2004 09:27 AMWHY WOULD IT EXPLODE?
Posted by: BOOM BOOM?? on March 8, 2004 09:58 AMOK, it's Monday and I feel like a fucking idiot.
If everyone is packing a stick of dynamite on the moon, then that gives new meaning to the term "blow job" or "banging" if you know what I mean. Whoa, I just blew my girlfriend away when I exploded.
I just bought the "Plumper Pumper Pro" penis enlarger pump that uses the power of a vacuum produced by a wet-dry vac to lengthen one's penis by a guaranteed two inches or your money back. I had to trim my penis by two inches with my pocket knife because it was to big to fit in the Plumper Pumper Pro. So girls, are you ready for Norm's bloody penis of love? We had better hurry since I am starting to lose consciousness due to loss of bloo...*thud*
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on March 8, 2004 10:43 AMWHAT IS AN EFFECTIVE WAY TO GET RID OF FOOT WARTS??
Cut off your foot.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on March 8, 2004 12:36 PMFIRST POST .
WANKERS !
Posted by: I'M FIRST AGAIN on March 8, 2004 12:40 PMUNCERTAIN:
I CUT OFF MY FOOT, HOWEVER, THE WARTS ARE STILL THERE.
PLEASE ADVISE.
THANK YOU.
Posted by: FUNGUS AMONGUS on March 8, 2004 02:28 PM"PENIS" OR WORD(S) OF THAT EFFECT MUST HAVE BEEN MENTIONED HERE AT LEAST 1000 TIMES.
RODGER!
MAKE THAT 1001 X
penis
1002 times
Posted by: Penis Poster on March 8, 2004 02:55 PMTry soaking your foot in boiling, concentrated sodium hydroxide until the warts (and the soft tissues attached to them) disappear. You'll have nothing left but clean, shiny bone.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on March 8, 2004 03:04 PM>WHY WOULD IT EXPLODE?
Well kid, it's like bringing a deep sea fish to the surface. It explodes. Or like bringing a mammal up from the bottom of the atmosphere where we dwell, to outer space...
Because of the vacuum in space (and on the moon) the blood and other juices in your manly rod will instantly start to boil and evaporate. Since liquids take far less space than gasses, and because of the very sudden change in pressure, the resulting expansion from liquid to gas will not be containable by your meaty flesh, hence the explosion.
This reminds me of my epic battle with a Tri-slong on Triton. I can't tell you the horror. The horror...
In those days we had better space suits though. They were individually tailored by skilled craftsmen, unlike the serial mass produced crap they have now.
Mine always had extra pads on and around the croth area as extra reinforcement to contain my impressive genitals. (You have to know I love to scratch 'em.)
François, another Pastis please!
Ah, thank you.
Where was I? Oh yes, -scratch- the horror, -scratch scratch- the horror. I can't tell you the -scratch- horro... *thud*
Posted by: Scientyprickally Correct on March 8, 2004 04:54 PM(Look at it from the bright side: right before the explosion, you'd have your biggest erection ever!)
Posted by: Scientyprickally Correct on March 8, 2004 05:27 PMWould a flobee work on the moon for my back hair?
Posted by: Ron Jeremy on March 8, 2004 06:38 PMcould you say that this software is kinda lightweight???
Posted by: tao on March 8, 2004 06:47 PMNo. You couldn't.
Posted by: on March 8, 2004 09:05 PMKeep up the uselessly great work, Tim! Those bastards in the schoolyard said you'd never amount to anything, but who's laughing now, HUH?
Posted by: naomi on March 9, 2004 03:27 PMThanks to you, more than 1000 people have download MoonWeight in the past week. :-D Well, MoonWeight was meant as a learning example for me-- it was my first fully functional Cocoa application. I'm thinking of just making a source-code example from other people to learn off of-- that was the original plan...
Posted by: Tim Jurka on March 9, 2004 07:47 PMMr. Jurka:
Congratulations on your new success. But aren't you already well behind in the upgrade path? Very specific data regarding total mass exists for several Oort objects, both inside and out of the plutonian orbit. It's become difficult to speculate in cometary pork bellies without more recent conversion data. This has been been especially frustrating for us, given our position in martian beef quarters. Hell, who will tell us what a hundred-weight is on Triton if you don't?
Posted by: Mr. Smithfield on March 10, 2004 07:38 PMFor the crew.
Just a day after your report about MoonWeight 1.4 the programers react:
We will stop development on this project as it reached its final goal: being featured on PerversionTracker.com!
Look at http://www.fgsoft.net/?page=products
I waited a long time for this to happen ;-)
Posted by: ralf on March 11, 2004 06:28 AM