War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
Sponsored by
L337.com
Like cholesterol-addled ducklings attempting to compose a symphony for the lobster claw harmonica, the authors of You Control are almost touching in their innocence. One imagines that in the sickly sweet haze of their ethereal reality, mysterious blue bullets and inscrutable grey triangles actually convey significant information to the unfortunate users of their “product.” Likewise, the beveled font picker of doom, and the slightly-too-cramped calendar of mild misfortune all contribute to the unsettling sensation that you may have just paid $49.95 (130,869 Somalian Shillings) solely for the privilege of staring at a spherical blue smiley face.
Yes, this visual mangling of quantitative information does not remind us of Tufte so much as it does the tufts of ear hair that must regularly be ripped from the ears of Yummy, You Software’s half-castrated poodle mascot who on his twice-daily walk, provides much-needed inspiration for features to add to this menu bar omelet.
We must inquire at this juncture whether “you” can actually “control” anything of substance with this excessively clammy product of little merit. And indeed, the controllable items are vanishingly thin out of the box. While it is possible to ham-handedly manipulate iTunes using a gruntingly slow hierarchical menu, the choice of UI is about the most inappropriate thing we’ve seen since Jan chose to visit his congressman wearing only three styrofoam packing peanuts, lightly affixed with rubber cement.
Other menus provide a similarly puerile level of control, and are geared more to the revolting abuse of information display than anything else. We find nearly every module to be designed with the express aim of affronting the eye and dampening the spirit. It pleaseth me not. Your award serves merely to prove that MacWorld Best Of Show is judged by old ladies who are easily plied with tea biscuits, and a chance to engage in baby talk with Yummy. Shame on you, you, you, software!
You Software, you should know better than to afflict our otherwise carefree lives with this troubling monstrosity. Please accept this highly salient 11.0, and try to find some means of atoning for the shame you have brought upon me as an Oregonian.
Posted by ladd at February 23, 2004 10:18 PM | TrackBackAll our base you control
Posted by: David Valley on February 23, 2004 11:19 PM[insert "witty" comment and obligatory 2nd post reference]
[follow up with inane remark and comment about tidwell]
[sign off using urban slang or foreign language]
You You Head A Splode!
Posted by: Mickey Knox on February 24, 2004 06:04 AMThey brought shame upon you as an Oregonian? I thought that was the job of the Trailblazers?
Posted by: U. D. Mann on February 24, 2004 08:27 AMI thought their job was to get high all the time and act like assholes. Oh wait, that's what you meant, my bad.
Posted by: Nick on February 24, 2004 11:29 AMWow. I was not expecting to see this on PT today! You Control was definitely deserving of Best In Show, I should know I was there. You CAN "control" nearly everything about every module, and You Software has said that they will add even more modules for download. I can say that I don't know how I lived without You Control!
Posted by: zach on February 24, 2004 01:24 PMThank you all for your cheerful remarks. I am on my 3rd day of fighting SBC Yahoo DSL.
I would rather spend a month getting my privates sharpened by N.O.T.
SBC sucks the $hit out of a dead peruvian chicken's sphincter.
I would rather learn programming from Rixster in 150000 easy lessons.
f*u*c*k SBC
I would think that Ewe Control is something we all need around here. All those damn sheep just run wild after Aussie Boy gets done with them.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on February 24, 2004 05:30 PMI for one am glad that PvT has avoided the same fate that has befallen the other reputable sources of software reviews. I was just starting to get worried about the future of such establishments as MacNN who were pretending that You Control is actually useful, and Macworld, who, as we see, awarded it best of show, of all things.
At least I can continue to rely on PvT for my software review needs.
Posted by: on February 24, 2004 05:46 PMI'm on my second day of liking SBC.
I'm on my very last day of liking sharpened turds (whew!)
I have a big weiner.
Posted by: longdongsilver on February 25, 2004 06:25 AMAs the Prez-eye-dint of these Unitered Strates, I am majoritily offended by this program. Evverone knows that as the Head Nacho, I control evverthang. Now set down and shet ip aforn I cut your taxes agin. Now, Cheney, jest simmer down. I'll git to yur backrub jes as soon as Ah'm done here. Wolfowitz showed me this-here "Spaced Invaders" game yestidday and I almost have a new high score. It's almost as much fun as invadin' furrin countries.
Posted by: George W. Bush on February 25, 2004 08:26 AMNo, I'm in control!
Posted by: Alexander Haig on February 25, 2004 08:58 AMLongdongsilver, you are my all-time favorite actor and hero. Let's make a movie together soon.
p.s. You'll find I'm well-qualified for any position you may wish me to assume. Just ask Anita Hill! Ginsburg and O'Conner have never complained, either.
Posted by: Clarence Thomas on February 25, 2004 09:51 AMJUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT MY PENIS IS SORE TODAY.
I guess it took more than tea biscuits to impress those old ladies, eh?
Posted by: Uncertain Future on February 25, 2004 02:46 PMJust thought you all should know, R***B**** has tried to evolve into a new form known as Version 5.5
I suggest the VanTols prepare themselves for a deluge of crap from people using this new version, and Norm keep his woodchipper running.
Posted by: on February 25, 2004 07:23 PMAre they still abusing that little boy?
If I didn't use this product, I would probably not have noticed the incredible time spent writing this jibberish... and thought the product didn't kick ass!!! It does!
Posted by: yousofunny on March 21, 2004 04:30 PM