War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
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An emailed missive from Kynan Shook of REM Software:
Ahhhh, September 24, 2003… It shall always be remembered in the hearts of millions as the day that the challenge was presented. Well, in the hearts of millions of brain cells, at least; I say this because after so much pointless coding, the other several hundred billion hitchhiked to some place with a better nightlife, probably Antarctica or Pluto.
Anyway, after a long and sweaty 5 months (well, OK, I really did this all on Valentine’s day, because I had to spend the day with what is currently my only true love: my 17” PowerBook… And people wonder why I’m still single.), the impossible has been accomplished. Well, halfway. But half of the impossible is still pretty darn impossible.
Yes, that one fateful day, a challenge was made to improve War Extreme http://perversiontracker.com/archives/000278.html, and improve I did. Out of the 7 suggestions offered, 3.5 have been implemented; since the reviewer’s estimate was that the usefulness of WE would be improved 100 million-fold if all of them were taken into account, I figure that my halfway-done job improves the application a good 50 million-fold. And don’t argue with me, because I’ve taken calculus, dammit.
I know you’re just dying to know… “but WHICH 3.5 did he do???”
Well, here’s the short list:
- MegaDecks: 2184 cards in 168 distinct suits, plus 2 jokers
- Egyptian War with “Crocodile Fight” rules enabled
- Dutch War, with special “Windmill” cards
- and, that half-feature, tournaments; held bimonthly at 6 PM GMT on the first of every odd-numbered month, except during summer, when they are held every Sunday at 11:30 AM CDT, except during a presidential election year, in which case they run every Tuesday at 2:42 PM GMT, except if any presidential candidate’s name contains two consecutive Ls, in which case the match is cancelled in favor of a Braunschweiger-eating contest, unless Germany invades, in which case a contest is held to determine who does the better imitation of a nervous gopher.
I’ve also made a few other little improvements, so be sure to check the Read Me for complete details. The best new feature is that the user can now elect to remove even MORE of that unnecessary human-game interaction: Go to the preferences and turn off “Show Live Statistics,” and you can get a 10-30x speed increase! A full standard game of War in this mode only takes about one second! A game of MegaDecks war goes from possibly days to just hours! And best of all, the user is no longer tempted to even look at the game for a little bit of amusement! Why, this is the perfect game for somebody to play at work: you can tell all your friends that you spend all day at work just playing computer games, but your boss won’t mind either because your productivity won’t drop a bit!
Future improvements will sicken you even more, but I do hope to someday achieve the challenge of both network-enabled play and clustered operation. And, if somebody wants to volunteer some web space, maybe I’d even think about publishing statistics to a website somewhere. Heck, we could just make it a veritable distributed computing effort; and you thought RC5-72 http://distributed.net/rc5/ was pointless!!
Also, as long as I’m writing, I do not have, and have never had a mullet. Photos can be provided on request, as can a generous ass-whooping.
Also, as the usefulness of my application has increased by 50 million-fold, and my original rating was a “sweet-’n’-savory 11”, I believe my new rating is a record-breaking 550 million.
For an autograph from the author, please send a SASE to:
AppleScript God
c/o St. Peter
1 Heavenly Way
Pearly Gates, HE 99999-9999
Oh, and, by the way, you might want to let the delivery man know that, well, where he’s going, he’s never coming back.
Anyway, just get to the following URL, download it, and give my my well-deserved 550 million rating.
http://webpages.charter.net/remsoftware/warextreme2.dmg
Kynan Shook
Co-Founder, Really Early Morning Software
http://webpages.charter.net/remsoftware/
Kynan: you are crazed. Crazed like a well-gaffed muskrat who has been immersed in liquid mescal. We salute you! You, and your glorious mullet, which we hear is often suffused in a rich creamy pore grease.
Unfortunately we find your implementation of tournament mode to be a bit runny, and hence can only award this unprecedented 549,999,999 rating. Feel free to taunt other, less accomplished useless software authors with the following pithy saying: “IN YOUR FACE, SLACK-JAWED SUCKAHS!!”
Posted by ladd at February 18, 2004 05:14 PM | TrackBackIN YOUR FACE, SLACK-JAWED SUCKAHS!!
Whooo, boy, that felt good.
Well, time to go encapsulate my mullet in lipids, after which I'll probably go muskrat hunting, to see what happens when I drop one in liquid mescal for a while. But be warned, I shall return again!
Kynan, have my children
David
David;
Sorry, my kids are already a handful, I really can't take care of yours too.
Besides, If I were to take care of somebody's kids, I'd do it for some hot babe, not you.
Sorry.
Posted by: Kynan on February 18, 2004 06:37 PMFirst post!
Sort of...
Well, they WERE first but don't really count, right?
Okaysowhat.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on February 18, 2004 07:17 PMI, for one, am leery of these so-called "war-games"
Posted by: Douglas Detert on February 18, 2004 08:59 PMI suspect this program is a coverup for a joint United States - North Korean military training exercise.
Posted by: Jon Sulman on February 18, 2004 10:34 PMWoohoo! At last a developer with a sense of humour!
Now if I can only convince him to come round for a tournament of backgammon, nudie-style, with Grandma!
Belvedere, fetch me a pigeon, a very small piece of paper and a tiny pen! I have a message to dispatch!
Posted by: aussie boy on February 18, 2004 11:04 PMI'm not sure I understand the purpose of your pen having to be tiny. Can your pigeon write messages as you dictate? Did you train it yourself?
If so, please send me information on how to do this. Or direct me to the people who trained your pigeon.
Ahhh, the endless possibilities of letter writing pigeons has tantalised my imagination to its most extreme boundaries...wow that didn't take long.
Posted by: Mac-n-Cheese Pro on February 19, 2004 08:52 AMBut could an infinite line of letter-writing pigeons eventually produce the works of Shakespeare? This is the measure by which all prose-producing animals must be, um, measured.
Posted by: Robo on February 19, 2004 10:20 AMI doubt that they could produce Shakespeare, but certainly they could eventually draft a memo to hire a thousand monkeys for a thousand years (or possibly the PvT staff for a week).
Posted by: no body on February 19, 2004 10:46 AMHEAR YE HEAR YE!
Now open for business!
Nick's Tiny Pen Wielding Pigeons Emporium!!
Buy a complete, whole, and otherwise all-in-one pigeon messenger, or get yourself the ALL NEW how-to guide with easy to follow pictograms and glyphs.
All-in-one messenger includes: Pigeon, tiny pen, with lifetime supply of india ink, pad of tiny parchment or papyrus, your choice.
How-to guide includes: book, with authentic non-stick Velo Binding!!!
*Not availables in any state, offer void where prohibited, which is everywhere, cancel anytime, as long as anytime means never.
I see they have been granting internet access time at the asylum again. I guess it's cheaper than electroshock and lobotomies.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on February 19, 2004 11:57 AMIs it possible to arrange a Rixter vs. Kynan deathmatch? It doesn't have to be a deathmatch, I guess a gumming match?
Let me know, I'm waiting at a phone booth behind Dolphin Cookies, 414-212-1900, ask for Winkmaster 2002, Jr.
Posted by: Winky the Eighth on February 19, 2004 01:05 PMhttp://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html
Clearly one must be aware of the current uses of pigeon based I-Solutions
I will put every single damn dime I have in all my accounts and my 401k on Kynan. Rixster couldn't beat his own ass with six bats and an Assbeater 2000 by Ronco©. No, uh... no offense there Rix.
Anybody need to place an order for your very own messenger pigeon? Now with new and improved feces voiding micro portable balckhole and dropcloth. It's free of charge with the purchase of the Deluxe Model!!
Posted by: Nick on February 19, 2004 04:45 PMCan I just get the balckhole?
Posted by: el winko de los magnifiqué on February 19, 2004 05:32 PMHere's a picture of one: Balckhole picture
Posted by: Uncertain Future on February 19, 2004 06:07 PMThank you. I am glad to be here. America is a great country, and I am sure you will not arrest me for very long, this single time.
I must say to you that I saw Kynan Shook with the mullet.
It was a fine, firm, well-formed mullet. It was particular in fine about the flanks and loins. I wanted the mullet to myself, but Mr. Kynan Shook had got my mullet before me. But it is OK because in America more mullets will come.
I wonder how Mr. Shook cooked his mullet. It was so much the good mullet, I hoped he steam it with carrots and more roots.
I miss that mullet I miss.
Posted by: Friedrick von Moltz on February 19, 2004 06:58 PM
I have a big weiner.
Posted by: longdongsilver on February 20, 2004 01:37 AMLongdongsilver
(_)_)|||||||D
ME
(_)_)|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||D
Oh YEah! Oh YEah!
Posted by: David Valley on February 20, 2004 10:09 AMDear Mr. Valley,
Please run your examples through the "fucking" spell checker before you post next time. Otherwise people will think you are just "dicking" around. Do you want people to think you are "prick"?
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on February 20, 2004 10:19 AMI like how Norm put the word fucking in quotes as if it were a clever innuendo.
We are now running a special on Messenger Pigeons, Buy 1 get 1 at 50% off. Act Now! Call in the next five minutes and recieve a free Ronco Pocket Assbeater 2000!!! (with genuine faux-leather carrying case)
Posted by: Nick on February 20, 2004 11:18 AMDear Mr el winko de los magnifiqué,
As per your request for one of our mini-blackholes, I cannot supply you with a lone blackhole as my business is pigeons, I can , however, direct you toward my distributer of blackholes. Contact A. Boy @ Grandad's Old Fashioned Blackhole Shoppe and Libationary, he is our one stop shop for blackholes and ungodly liquors that will blanch the color right out of your eyes. Be forewarned, though, he is Australian. Bit of a daft bugger, that one.
Posted by: Nick on February 20, 2004 11:24 AMBadger
If A. Boy is selling them, would that make them A. Holes?
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on February 20, 2004 01:58 PMBadger
Does A. Boy sell A. Holes?
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on February 20, 2004 02:00 PMCan I get this one?
www.mythelen.de/flipper/ BlackHole/BalckHole.jpg
Keep me posted,
Winky
Ah, I see you are familiar with Mr. Boy's "Excelsior" model. Very good choice, Master Winky. He has one in stock, but as it is his most popular model, he will require a holding fee to ensure that you can get it. The fee is a modest $10,000.00, after all we are dealing with an area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light. You will be the most feared Wink in the Spanish Main. I will send you his routing and account numbers for his bank in the Caymans.
Cheers,
Nick
Nck is on drugs again. I think an intervention needs to happen here.
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on February 21, 2004 10:23 AM*sob* It's true. I'm...I'm so weak..*sob*
Posted by: Nick on February 21, 2004 11:21 AMRemember, Nick:
Reality is only for people who can't handle drugs!
Better living through chemistry!
Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse!
Ajax shakes out white and turns blue!
and of course: Choosy mothers choose Jif!
Posted by: Uncertain Future on February 21, 2004 11:52 AMYou know Nick, you should switch over to what I am using for drugs. That way, nobody will know you are on drugs since your outward behavior will be completely indistinguishable from stupidity. It has other benefits including, no projectile vomit in your shirt pocket, no v-iagra like symptoms with you tongue, and no crusty shit stains on your belly.
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on February 21, 2004 03:01 PMHey there PvT staff! What the hell is wrong with you people? Are you begging for a wood chipper experience? What is the meaning of attempting to block posts with the word v-i-a-g-r-a? Are you guys tripping on your own paranoia again? Holy shit people, what the fuck is wrong with the god damn "v" word? Hitler used "v" and so does John Kerry, and not to mention many other recreational horny guys to numerous to mention. Hell, even I use it and go into the woods to have night of exhilaration with furry little woodland creatures if you know what I mean. Surely the PvT staff themselves use the stuff to write their reviews. Even aussie boy uses the stuff to transform himself from "aussie boy" into the super hero "aussie man"!!!
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Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on February 21, 2004 03:14 PMNorm,
We have had to take rather draconian measures lately to protect against blog spam, which often advertises the v word, or other pharmaceuticals. Sorry for any inconvenience, but feel free to subvert the filter with hyphens.
Posted by: Ladd on February 21, 2004 03:16 PMNorm:
I found your rant most in-via-grating!
Posted by: Uncertain Future on February 21, 2004 06:56 PMI just love to rant! It makes me feel so important ever since I accidentally cut 2 inches off my wee wee while I was testing out my new wee wee sharpener. Nothing like a sharp wee wee! With a sharp wee wee and a sharp turd, there is nothing I can't accomplish. Look out cruel world, here comes Norm.
Hmmmm...I forget...which is the wee wee and which is the turd...they look so much alike. Hey naomi, can you help me with this?
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on February 21, 2004 07:27 PMI'd stay away, if I were you, Naomi. It could be a trap.
I see no harm in blocking out spam, now if you could just set up that filter to blovk posts containing the words "wood chipper", "small", "woodland", "creatures" and "centaurs"
I know Norm never used that last one, but you shouldn't trust those centaur bastards, always saying their better because they've "got hooves and opposable thumbs" Yeah right, but can they drive a car? I think not. Stupid self-righteous, bad-tipping, six-limbed, racist centuar sons of bitches. You should wacth out for horses too, they just egg the damn centaurs on.
Posted by: Nick on February 21, 2004 11:49 PMviagra
Posted by: on February 21, 2004 11:50 PMseems to work fine.
Posted by: on February 21, 2004 11:51 PMTrust me on this - centaurs and vi-agra (still not working for me) are a lethal combination. They get quite proud about being "hung like a horse."
Posted by: Uncertain Future on February 22, 2004 09:23 AMI WOULD BE PROUD TO SHOW EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU MY PENIS.
PLEASE EMAIL ME
DICKWELLSTOOD@STANDWELL .COM
Posted by: RICHARD RODGERS on February 25, 2004 02:15 PMLoved your work in 'South Pacific' there, Dick.'Oklahoma' was okay, except that Poor Judd should have been chopped up by ninjas. But you missed the boat with 'The Sound of Music'. Lots of old nuns, pretty girl, foreign country... There really needed to be a shower scene in which Maria was indoctrinated into the ways of the convent, and then maybe handed over to a Lonely Goatherd for some serious education. I pretty much have the whole thing story-boarded out if you ever want to do a rehash.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on February 25, 2004 06:11 PM