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Okay, so — even though our so-called government is crumbling like stale cornbread in the sweaty hands of a turducken-stuffing chimpanzee, the Lunatics In Charge Of The Asylum still expect us to take the latest “terror alerts” seriously? Sure, dudes, we’re all busy stockpiling canned goods, loading the shotguns, and saving our urine in great big jars — you know, just in case.
Homeland Alert is a $5 app by a frisky little Arizona outfit called ExitToShell() — who is clearly unaware that the wanton abuse of parentheses is now a felony under Patriot Act II — that creates a menu-bar display of our nation’s threat level, selected by the Lunatics In Charge Of The Asylum via an abstruse formula based on the precise aroma of Karl Rove’s latest shit, and updated every 20 minutes. For that kind of money, we’d expect to see, at the very least, a realtime video of Donald Rumsfeld attempting the naked roller-skate limbo, but once again our oh-so-modest hopes are crushed beneath the cold wriggly toes of reality.
Wait! An anonymous challenger steps into the ring! It’s realThreat 1.0 with a satirical knockout — and it’s free! Then we realize it’s just a PHP script, and our spirits fall back into the basement with the final crate of defective gas masks.
But, hey, here’s a really well-kept secret: you could just go ask Tom Ridge about that whole terror alert thing. Or go here instead and laugh and laugh and laugh until you suddenly realize it’s only funny because it’s true, and then you will cry and possibly stab yourself with a bacteria-laden spork. And does any of this really matter when the peachy-keen state of Georgia wants to ban “that whole monkeys-to-man thing” and — ooh, wait, there’s more! — has also decided that history is just too damn LONG so why not just skip the Civil War?
In the face of such appalling shrinkification of human potential, we feel entirely justified in flinging a lard-smeared 10.8 and a giblet-draped 9.7 into the air, to fall where they may.
Download Homeland Alert
Download realThreat
Posted by naomi at January 31, 2004 07:01 PM | TrackBackSure, dudes, we’re all busy stockpiling canned goods, loading the shotguns, and saving our urine in great big jars — you know, just in case.
Dude! You forgot the duck tape! Gotta have that duck tape!
Posted by: Kayarbee on January 31, 2004 07:13 PMHow could anyone not feel secure with this man in charge?
All I wanna know is why is the eagle sore?
Posted by: Mr.Clicky on January 31, 2004 09:19 PMThird post. Oh GOOD.
Posted by: El Capitano Corelli on February 1, 2004 04:41 AMHmmm... Why would you want a duck tape in the event of a terrorist attack???
Perhaps you mean duct tape, Kayarbee? (Like HVAC installers use to seal joints in ductwork.)
Or perhaps your ducks don't like climbing into turkeys before having a chicken stuffed up their butts? Some tape might be handy in that case.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on February 1, 2004 09:56 AMThanks for pointing that out Future, it was driving me crazy. Duct Tape ends in a goddamn 'T'. No sleight towards you, Kayarbee, I'm sure you're an excellent whatever, but for the love of God put some effort in.
Also: "...and then you will cry and possibly stab yourself with a bacteria-laden spork."
That is fucking hilarious. Seriously. I think I might cry a little from laughing, wait... yup, there it is, a tear of joy!
Posted by: Nick on February 1, 2004 01:08 PMBill Gates Here:
You have no need to fear!I have been able to convince the Dept.of Homeland security to use my products!At Microsoft security is our No.1 priority!
Sleep well America.
And so we all crack jokes and kid while the crack smoke-screened Republican agenda is shoved up our crackety assed crack asses.
Big Brother is real, here and NOW! GET IT!
I can't wait for the big all-seeing, all-knowing oppressive eyeball on my TV monitor staring at me while I'm in bed..That fucker eyeball!
"Watch me dance! Play with me! I love you big eyeball! Now what should I suck on next?"
Posted by: Colthere on February 1, 2004 06:46 PM'Duck tape' has become increasingly accepted as a spelling for the designated product, and is also a brand name for a popular type. Yes, it has been traditionally been 'duct', but then 'colour' and 'aluminium' are also in dispute. I blame the French. I've been to France, and thus can say with great accuracy that they are to blame. Of course, the damn Belgians pretty much look like them French , so maybe it's them, them with all their NATO nonsense! Or the Dutch! Yeah, it's the Dutch... They created economic bubbles with their idiot tulip madness in the 17th century! They've been out to get us ever since we got the Big Apple away from them! Yeah, it's them! Or the Germans! Hell, they're GERMANS! Geez, it's ALWAYS them! They're SO Old Europe, migod, they want the Kaiser back! We REALLY NEED a warning system to let us know just how much these MFs hate us at ANY PARTICULAR MOMENT!
But then, we really don't actually need the green and aqua colors, do we?
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on February 1, 2004 07:17 PMThe duck vs duct thing is explained here:
http://www.octanecreative.com/ducttape/duckvsduct.html
Hey! I just found a Safari bug! I'm typing this text in the status bar at the bottom of the window!
Posted by: El Capitano Corelli on February 2, 2004 11:01 AMI've not met this "safari bug" you speak of. Mine works brilliantly. God bless the google search thing! Woot! Also, I don't care what anyone says, it's duct. duct, duct, duct!
goose.
Posted by: Nick on February 2, 2004 04:23 PMOh man! What is it, the heat and humidity that makes the South such an embarrassment? By the way, Safari is a good browser, if your delusional. Camino is the REAL OS X browser!
By REAL I trust you don't mean "written with R***B****, the best IDE ever to grace the Macintosh"?
Posted by: El Capitano Corelli on February 3, 2004 12:16 PMCamino Blows.
Posted by: Nick on February 3, 2004 02:16 PMCamino bites; Firebird is tolerable only because Safari does not work from behind some corporate firewalls that have sucky proxy scripts.
Safari 1.2 is much faster than previous
Unregistered copies of Homeland Alert randomly ratchet the alert level to "6," scaring the crap out of cheap, paranoid bastards everywhere.
Posted by: Rob on February 4, 2004 03:28 PMPile O' Bikes!!!!
Posted by: Nick on February 6, 2004 04:10 PMCamino blows. Mozilla blows (BLOWtware!) FireBird while close contender for top speed Safari still can't access my # 1 achilles heel: www.hushmail.com. No Mac browser except Safari v1.2 can successfully setup or access an email account with them. With free accounts, human authentication, and 2048-bit blowfish encryption, they are #1 in secure spam-free email.
Won't you try my software?
Hi, I'm realThreat. My software is designed to help the ignorant majority in America that, for some utterly inexplicable reason, think having George W. Bush as president is a good thing. My hope is that my one, small act will convince this majority that they are small minded dimwits... failing that, at least I get a good chuckle out of the hate email I continue to receive.
As Confucious, Napolean, Charlize Theron, Daniel Boone and Jesus all once said, "Ignorance is sad, willful ignorance is Republican".
Won't you try my software?
Posted by: realThreat on May 8, 2004 06:02 PM