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While this gordian app clearly lacks the cowbells and kazoos that would earn it street cred and a coveted spot in the “Top Ten Maze-Makers in the Known Frigging Universe List,” we are indebted to Ultimaze for a stellar neologism that will surely weasel its way into the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary.
Example of common usage:
Saint George: “You can eat a whole wriggling sheep in one gulp? That is amazing!”
The Dragon: “No, dude, that’s not just amazing — it’s ULTImazing!”
So we are prepared to overlook the teeny-tiny question of “Why, my god, WHY?!” and focus instead on the nice restful blue background color that cannot be changed, no it cannot, no matter how loudly you scream for the orderlies to take it away, please oh please, and I won’t tell anyone about the exploding suppository and I swear I’ll be good forever, yes, yes, you mad children of soda caps, if only you will save me from the terrible endless blue mazes!
Of course, when you factor in the $10 shareware fee (or three gallons of 3%-fat milk, including tax) the labyrinthine lollapaloozas of Ultimaze lose nearly all of the loogie-slicked luster that first lured our sleepy li’l eyeballs.
Edwards Software, this ultimazing 10.7 is yours to keep and cherish always. Now jump back Jack, see you later alligator, Papa’s got a brand new bag.
Download Ultimaze
Posted by naomi at December 15, 2003 08:43 PM | TrackBackYou know, being first just ain't all it's cracked up to be. I feel somehow...unfulfilled.
Posted by: Anxanthrapope on December 15, 2003 10:10 PMAlright, you got me... being first is fucking AWESOME!
Posted by: Anxanthrapope on December 15, 2003 10:12 PMGod what an awful program. To close a window you type Command-D. Print is Command-G, of course. And pretty damn slow too. It even uses 70% of the CPU when it doesn't even have a document open. Ain't that fucking ultimazing.
Posted by: Bob Gork on December 15, 2003 10:19 PMExposé makes a cool effect on the mazes.
Yes it does.
Oh, yes, it does.
Ooops, never mind, it's just the massive amounts of LSD.
didn't they already review a maze program? didn't it already suck?
Posted by: kjones on December 16, 2003 03:46 PMoh and btw... they forgot to mention the lsd-ish effect of clicking "generate random paths"... dear god it spreads to eat the SCREEN!
Posted by: kjones on December 16, 2003 03:48 PMThere is only one Ultimaze.And that's Billy Mays!But I prefer to be OXYmazing.
But you gotta call now...
Posted by: Billy Mays on December 16, 2003 04:08 PMMy monitor is all dirty now due to my repeated futile attempts to track a path through the maze with my fingers.
Fuck you very much, Ultimaze.
Posted by: Thuros M. on December 16, 2003 07:21 PMBAGHDAD, Tuesday, December 16, 2003, Reuters -- CIA operatives interrogating former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein have discovered a detailed map of a vast underground network used by guerilla fighters in Iraq.
Hussein, who is now cooperating fully with his interrogators, has provided details that led CIA agents to track down a hard drive containing the map, which was poorly disguised as a computer game.
A spokesman for the CIA said that in the light of these revelations, and of Hussein's cooperation, they have removed the electrodes from his genitalia.
Posted by: aussie boy on December 16, 2003 08:55 PMum, Control-G to print? Well that just intuitive, wait I might be usuing the wrong word, not intuitive, uh.... oh yeah, fucking ridiculous.
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AUSTRAILIA, Wednesday, December 17, 2003, Reuters -- An austrailian man with the ever-so-clever nickname "aussie boy" was admonished by his posting counterparts on the website www.perversiontracker.com for using ridiculous words that he made up on the spot, such as tosser, potty, scullery and the like. He also makes up crazy names for people, like "old cock" which is just dirty.
Aussie was quoted as saying "Belvedere, do a jig and pour me some [indecipherable], that'll show these tart bollocks tossers that I mean business."
Whatever the hell that means.
Posted by: on December 17, 2003 11:00 AMThat was me, by the way. I forgot to put my name in the designated name area. Sorry.
Posted by: Nick on December 17, 2003 11:01 AMAh, Nick! Why is it the ones we love are the first to betray us?
And why can no one spell "Australia"? Our Prime Minister is the South Pacific deputy sheriff of George W. Bush (soon to be immortalised in a new movie directed by Clint Eastwood, entitled "The Unelected"), for God's sake!
By the way, Nick. An old cock isn't necessarily dirty, particularly if the nursing-home staff adhere to a strict regime of cleanliness and hygiene.
I hate to see you make a fool of yourself with these outbursts.
I am your father, Luke ... ermm, Nick!
Posted by: aussie boy on December 17, 2003 10:57 PMI apologize for misspelling Australia. It was wrong of me and I won't let it happen again.
Please forgive my incompetence.
My remarks were made in jest, and yet by misspelling Australia the whole post was for naught. I'm such an idiot!
Posted by: Nick on December 18, 2003 03:43 PMNick, don't be so hard on yourself. Of course your remarks were made in jest. So were mine, old ... erm, bean.
I will forgive you if you can forgive yourself.
Now run along outside and have fun with your little friends ...
Posted by: aussie boy on December 18, 2003 06:15 PMstraying back to the subject at hand.... seems like it would make sense to re-engineer Ultimaze as a PostScript program file that could be fed to a printer. Thus saving screens from finger smudges and saving CPU cycles for really improtant things like watching Pron and balancing ones checkbook.
Posted by: Milo on December 19, 2003 02:58 PM