The article was rich with humor, and I'm still laughing now as I type this. I especially find funny the humor in de-worming Aunt Matilda....
However, the conspiracy theorist in me doesn't trust anything that catalouges stuff for purposes...its just not natural. But then again....the geek in me finds it soothing that someone took the time to do this, except.....the sanity in me wonders why someone can't just boot up OpenOffice and make a friggin speadsheet.
I mean seriously.......people are stupid. And that's why they fell for the Warren Commission's little fairy tale.

And I object to the idea that dogs are just flea ridden waste disposal units. I have two dogs at home, and I love them dearly. Maybe they do have me on a bit of a leash, but they are only the size of babies and I can pick them up to teach them whos boss....I miss them....

I have to say that this is one of the better reviews to come along in a while. I give it a 10.8.

I can really relate to the line, “It’s okay, ma’am, I’m an experienced professional breeder.” Being a professional breeder myself, I take great pride in what I do. I have never once received a complaint about the quality of my work because I really enjoy what I do and go the extra mile. When you see that cute puppy dog face or wild eyed kitty cat look, you can't help but think, isn't this little furry creature so cute. I may not be the cheapest breeder in the world, but I will leave your pet satisfied. For $300, I'll spend an hour with your pet. I also provide free pet cigarettes when it is over. I also do fetishes, but the pet nipple clamps will cost you extra.

Laemkral, I also love your dogs dearly . . . and physically . . . while everyone in your house is asleep at night.

Just FYI, it's "Lyme Disease", with a "y". I would imagine that "Lime Disease" relates more to citrus fruit than to ticks.

fuddes, watch it. Theres crossing the line and then theres taking a sledgehammer to it.
Don't mess with my line.

>Don't mess with my line.

oh no, yet another coke-addicted dog lover...

Phew! For a moment there I was afraid Laemkral would not, again, talk to himself for the majority of a comment session.

We have been mostly responsible for Laemkral's one-sided humor. He can't talk to himself if we start talking back.

Wow, N.O.T. returns with no scat comments....what has happened? The prefrontal was a success Norm?

I have eaten hot dogs made with cows lips. Mmmm lips.

joey t

Dear Hodag,

What do you mean by that? Were the "fucking" dog and cat comments not enough for you!? I grease my wood chipper by shitting into it. How do you grease you wood chipper if you know what I mean? Laemkral needs an enema, but you my friend need a nice full body deep tissue Swedish massage and body wrap from a very busty Canadian woman followed by a rigorous full power high speed Roto Rootter session to get the shit out. It is good to get the shit out, otherwise you can't say, "Can I touch that?"

I didn't read this review but I'm going to pretend I did so I have something other than the Inq..er, you know, to talk about. I would hate to get snipped again. Not that I ever had anything important to say, but I suppose that's not really the point. Anyway on to my fake post about a review I haven't read. So, fellow Mac lovers, that's quite the program there, huh? Yup it really has a nice UI, unless the review said it didn't in which case I'm disgusted with the designer. I spit on him. *ptew* Seriously I can't believe I can't say sheep plucker in reference to Aussie Bwoi. He's austrialian for Jimmy Carter's sake.

By the way, Go Red Sox! Woohoo!

By the way, GO CUBS!

BTW, GO LAKERS! Got their first win last night. Sure it's only pre-season, but those of us who are fans of the world's greatest sports franchise love to lord it over the rest of you lowly wanna-be's.

Heh, heh, I'm betting that this will spark a huge flame war!

Huh, I was under the impression that great sports franchises didn't hire rapists. Guess I was misled. Apparently winning is more important than suspending Kobe and making an example out of him to the rest of the league. "Bad Athlete, No Play Time!" Some day these above the law sports pricks are going to get gunned down for hitting their wife or raping some dame or trying to score some rock form the wrong dealer and I'm going to laugh and laugh and laugh.

The Vancouver Canucks are the world's greatest sports franchise, by the way. And hockey is the world's greatest sport! woohoo! Hey it's opening night, isn't it? double freaking woohoo!

Hockey is the greatest, it is opening night, and damn straight that's a double wohoo! OHHHHH
When we get together
just me and all the lads...

Mud wrestling with scantly clad ladies is a real man's sport! The rest of you are a bunch over grown booger pickers for even suggesting otherwise.

quote: ”Some day these above the law sports pricks are going to get gunned down for hitting their wife or raping some dame"

OH! NOW I understand. Apparently, he's guilty of breaking a law - even though he has not yet even gone to trial. I bow before your superior logic.

And I suppose you truly believe OJ was innocent too. What's the word I'm looking for... oh yeah: naive.

Maybe if they mud wrestled on ice skates with sticks and pads and a little black rubber disk, then you may be right Norm.

Considering how far off topic this comment section has gone, lets talk about stellar dark matter. That should bring us back to the topic of SafeDogX and SafeCatX. You watch.

Is stellar dark matter made out of cat or dog poop since people sometimes say it rains cats and dogs out there?

Fool, dark matter is not made from feline OR canine feces. The futuristic documentary known as "Futurama" clearly explains that Niblonians excrement dark matter following he consumption of mass quantities of food. They are particullarly fond of hams....
I reiterate.....fool.

Dear Laemkral,

Have you ever even kissed a pine tree? You should get out more often and look at the world. Your are just substituting "Futurama" for your inquisitorial role. Are we going to get 50 more comments from you on what the characters on Futurama do with hams. Personally I like to cook a nice ham at christmas and then throw it in snow in the backyard and blow the hell out of it with a 12 gauge shotgun for no good reason. It is the reason for the season you know. Death to hams! Death to spam! Death to bacon! Piglet Bob, you're on our hit list.

Sorry folks. I know I started to sound like a crazed inquisitor. There is something about ham that makes me crazy.

Speaking of hams, did you know that there is a city in Illinois called Effingham? Sounds like a city where people with a strange fetish might want to live :)

Double Standard Much? I get my posts edited and snipped when I talk about the Inquisition, Laem is threatened to be banned, but when it comes to the Ever-Popular Norm O. Freaking-Tidwell-The-Awesomest, well, he can say it as much as he wants. And why is that? Because he doesn't go overboard with it, he doesn't get carried away. Well maybe I find his constant anecdotes about having sex with various animals and my mother tedious and tiresome. I don't. But I might have at one time. I hereby condemn the Hairbrained Ham Hating Heretic Norm O. Freaking-Tidwell-The-Awesomest to hell, on seven counts of beastiality.

Dear Nick,

Only seven? You must of fell asleep. Have seen your kitty cat lately? If I were you, I'd make sure you have your SafeCatX database up to date.

Dammit, now I have to download that stupid program.

Norm, Futurama doesn't even begin to enter into the equation of the madness that has filled my head following the void created by the lack of my Inquisition persona created especially (and solely) for the commenting upon of the PerverstionTracker.com website. Theres also the John Fitzegerald Kennedy assassination and the resulting coverup and lieing to the public by the Warren Commission and our sudden military involvement in Vietnam (coincedence? I think friggin not). Not to mention the maniacal obsession I have with all things related to AOL Instant Messenger Roleplaying (which you have been spared) which involves the very origins of my online handle!
However, unlike you, I keep my obsessions clean and free of blood, sperm (Remember, Every Sperm Is Sacred), more blood, spam (Except for Monty Python's obsession with the pink "meat" and only cause Python IS comedy), ham (I mention Futurama ONCE and you think I'm going to go into some weird obsession over it? How dare you sir even begin to presume I would do such a thing. Incidentally, none of the characters have any association with ham except for Nibbler, and even then its only for a few choice episodes that it is mentioned), and shotgun shells (though I've been known to indulge in firearms in my younger years).
Now, I know a long long time back I was warned about using parentheses inside parentheses inside parentheses, etc., but you'll clearly note I maintain only one level of parenthesesing and only to contain the tangents upon which I expound.
Back to the rant at hand.
I avoid discussing all things Apple because I happen to not be obsessed to death with it, merely to the point of a rash or at the most a pus filled scar. Coincidentally, a countdown is on Apple's site about how long till Panther is released, just incase you can't tear yourself away from molesting poor defenseless animals to actually check upon whats happening in the tech world. And you say I need to get out, bah.
I mock you in every way conceiveable by the human mind, Norm, and then I do it in ways that are conceiveable only by the insane human mind, and then in ways conceivable only by realising that this is but one of many realms of existence and that there are places where the laws of our universe do not apply and there is madness in sanity and happiness in despair and twelve dimensions exist.
Not to mention the fact that in a mere week or so I have easily acquired 4 WTF awards on my old high school band's forums.
Therefore, in summary, Norm....*points to crotch* Douzo.

For those of you who didn't quite understand Mr. Laemkral's last comment, let me summarize it for you. Mr. Laemkral said, "Norm is a sexy bastard."

As Mr. Laemkral would say, "carry on."

You wish. Also, I no longer say "Carry on." as that is a reference to my tour of duty in the =][=. Now, I have a new phrase, one that I find particularly enjoyable.
*points to crotch* Douzo.

Folks (points to crotch), I think we got a live one (points to crotch) here in Mr. Laemkral (points to crotch). He seems to be (points to crotch) a very intelligent (points to crotch) person.

Is anybody hungry (points to crotch) out there and want something to eat (points to crotch)? We could all (points to crotch) go to Denny's. Alternatively, you all could come (points to crotch) over to my house (points to crotch) and I'll cook up something (points to crotch).

Carry on (points to crotch).

Thats it. You asked for it. I'm leaving.

Dear Laemkral,

Are you going to Denny's or my house? Hope you are hungry, because I have 2 gigs of data in SafeCatX and SafeDogX databases on my animal friends which I want to sample. I have fresh chopped meat from the wood chipper out back, so there will be plenty of snacks. I make a real wicked meat-loaf.

On a personal note, it seems people have been complaining about not having enough adult diaper rash. Take this peice of advice and get over being self conscious and go ahead and itch yourself in public. You know, I should write a piece of software to manage how many times you itch yourself in a day. I wouldn't want to see someone end up with carpel tunnel syndrome.

37th comment! Woo hoo! I WIN I WIN I WIN!

Win? What have you won? (points to Norm's crotch) I bet the prize is not that impressive. (points to Norm's crotch) Perhaps, it's light snack. (points to Norm's crotch) Or even a pliable chew toy for your pet. (points to Norm's crotch)

Futurama = Best animated show ever. (excet for maybe FCLC)

I meant FLCL.

We have broken the 40 comment ceiling. This calls for the "right stuff" if we are going to go for the comment record. So I want you people to summon up your most constipated thoughts and spew them in great spurts without regard to Mr. Laemkral's mental heath. Let's give the PvT staff something to hope for! Let's let the world know how many illegal drugs we are taking by our comments! We need you, the screw ups, the dumb shits, the nose pickers, and ones who should of been shot a long time ago for the sake of humanity to step up and make stupid comments!!! ARE YOU WITH ME?

BTW, there will be no more crotch pointing around here! From now on there will only be hand gesturing like they do on the TV show "The Price is Right".

Okay, I'm back. I was playing America's Army. The whole point of the crotch pointing is because douzo means "Please". Therefore, pointing to your crotch and saying "Please" in a foreign language is funny. Or do you not know anything?
And about Denny's a comedian I once saw described Denny's as serving only two kinds of people. The stoned and the dead tired. Why? Cause you can order anything off the menu without ever having to say or read anything.
Norm, have I ever mentioned that I take no illegal drugs of any sort?
Therefore I can't help with the list. Unless you want to count life as an illegal drug. Since I am high on it right now. Oh wait, no. The spray can for my Warhammer stuff is leaking.....mmmm....aerosolated....

Right, I just realized something. There is a redneck joke in the review and no one has yet said anything about it. That being said....I feel it is only appropriate that Norm be made head of a committee to rectify the situation as there should be additional ways for Tennessee children to learn about sex education outside the home.

But if Norm were to head a committee, he'd probably "rectumfy" the situation.

Slight correction, I would "rectalfy" the situation. As head of the committee, I appoint Mr. Laemkral to go and investigate this matter. I also authorize Mr. Laemkral to report this information back to himself and then execute himself for security purposes.

Beep

Following my thorough investigation, my subsequent execution (Which is in no way related to the =][=), the subsequent ressurection of my lifeless body as a necromantic mage-skeleton, I have determined that Norm is best suited for teaching Tennessee school children about sex education, outside the home. Enough learning from their parents and elder siblings, Norm should be the teacher seeing as he's had such experience in this subject with African lions, California condors, Canadian timber wolves, and various other species of animals that were in dire need of help.
Oh crap, a paladin is coming....I'm not here, got it?
*casts some dark and evil spell on himself so he can sneak away and be reanimated by some healer*

I'd be more worried about those pesky clerics. As any good undead knows, Paladins turn undead two levels lower than Clerics. Although 'Smite Evil' is a drag. But that is neither here nor there.

I can neither confirm nor deny the consumption of illegal narcotics, as is my right under Article *mumbles fake number*, Act, uh, IV, Subparagraph B, Title 6, Word 7 of the National Doctrine Regarding Self-Preservation, which clearly reads "heretofore"

So there you have it.

*gestures toward crotch* Bitte

I meant good as in competent not in regards to alignment.

There is something about the above comments that reminds me of the time I was stranded in a middle of a desert and had to eat my own puke to survive. Come on guys, show some wit or perhaps some cold hard cash. I personally prefer cash. Money is such a neat thing in that you can make idiots do smart things and smart people do stupid things. You guys make me want to freebase Pepto-Bismol so just call me a bismol-head. OK, we broke the 50 comment barrier, but you people must now prove your worth commentators (gestures toward crotch).

abysmal head? I'll give you 50 dollars to not talk anymore, Norm? Is that the kind of thing you're talking about?

I'm sorry, could you guys repeat all your previous posts? I was busy rogering Laemkral's pets.

1st post!

Goddammit it's good to have the old PvT back. Norm, you are a jewel in the crown of all that is evil. Why, I remember back in the day all you could talk about was sharpened turds.

And the review? Naomi, you have outdone yourself.

It's OK ma'am, I'm a professional breeder.

Last Post!

Dear Mickey Knox,

I must correct you slightly Mr. Knox. In those days, I talked about having "sex" with sharpened turds! There is nothing more exciting than a scantly clad sharpened turd giving you bedroom eyes. Just the thought of it makes me want to play with the shavings. Oh the smell of a pencil sharpener used for turds makes me think of the time I had sex with a crate of dynamite. I was banging all night and at the end of the night, I just exploded.

That reminds me of the night that I killed a man with a bat. I was so beat I had to hit the hay.

Right, its official. If I ever meet fuddes in real life, he's gonna be dead. I'm sure there are laws about making threats to people, but just remember I'm acting out of self defense for animals that can't help themselves. The law and ASPCA are on my side fuddes. Leave my dogs alone or so help me I'll hijack an Abrams MBT and hunt you down like the dogs you have sex with!

IMHO, funniest review in some time. Excellent work, Naomi. You might consider a career in comedy someday!

A career in comedy? What, you think this is funny? I'm funny to you? I'm a clown to you?

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.

(sixty) FIRST POST!

Dear Mr. Laemkral,

We all like your doggies (sniffs crotch) a lot (at least a lot more than you do). If you truly loved your pets, you would let them be happy and we make them happy. Would it make you feel better if we taught them the kama sutra? It is certainly better than letting dogs run around the neighborhood and become crack addicts. I can't stand pint size poodle crack heads.

YE HAW...let's go for the 70 trans-comment barrier.

Norm, of all the things you guys can make fun of, my pets are one of the things that are off-limits. If you keep it up, I might just ask ladd to put YOU in time out for a while.

Dear Mr. Laemkral,

What's the matter with you!? Have you got shit for brains? Go loosen your pampers a few notches. If I weren't so insensitive to your emotional needs, I would suggest that you need some time with Dr. Phil. Dr Phil REALLY likes young boys like you! But being insensitive means I need to do a few more bottles of Pepto-Bismol to retain my insensitivity towards you. Oh shit, I feel a tear welling up...clug clug clug...that's better. You are the one who is throwing gasoline into the fire. Now that you have made this fire so big does anybody out there want to roast some home made hot dogs? The meat is fresh from the wood chipper. Some people like to walk on egg shells, but prefer to crush them. I think you need build up those scrotal calluses so that you can come play with the big kids. Did I ever tell you how I once held a fart for six days? Thank god for burping.

I don't see what the big deal is Norm. The man wants you to stop taking shots at his pets. Fairly simple. We gave up the Inquisition for you selfish bastards and yet you continue to have sex with his dogs. That will not do. Not at all. I am cutting off your bismol supply.

Archibald, you traitorous bastard, bring me a scotch. (I took out the geneseed. With my bolter. Now he's my little zombie slave)

Naomi - I don't think they let girls in the mafia. I'm sure it's nothing personal, they just don't want dames getting all emotional when they have to off kids and stuff.

The [insert "I" word here] was banished because it was, quite frankly, boring and unfunny. Sex with dogs, on the other hand...

Naomi, don't listen to Nick's sexist rantings. I'm sure if you work hard and get good grades, your dreams of being a gangster will come true!

Would you like some chapstick, Mickey? So your lips don't get chapped when your kissing all that ass.

[puckers]

You guys sound like a couple of castrated chipmunks. Come on guys, f you are going to insult each other, do it right (gestures at ass)! Put some butt kicking klingon passion into it. What is this "[puckers]" crap? What are you going to do, french kiss a gold fish? As for you Nick, I think it would do you a world of good to do Lamekrap's dogs a few times and then write up the story and send it in to Penthouse magazine. I think both of you should each eat a steamy fresh turd and then you will know what it is like to be truly stupid. Geez...the help around here really sucks.

Dear Norm O. Tidwell,

I wasn't insulting the ever-pleasant Mr. Knox, I was simply implying that if he applied any more pressure there would be lip shaped bruises on Naomi's ass. Now, I'm not saying that Naomi isn't hilarious, becasue she is. I was just letting Mr. Knox know that he might want to ease up a bit, as we don't want to damage the hindquarters of our beloved host.

Now breaking the 71-post barrier!

Don't worry Laemkral, I got bored with your pets, and moved on to your fat mother. Unfortunately, I think the pets smelled better.