September 24, 2003

War Extreme 1.0

http://perversiontracker.com/archives/warextreme-thumb.jpg
“War Extreme takes the ever-popular game War (also featured in Stupid AppleScript Games) to the Extreme! It has been beefed up to run faster, give you mind-numbingly uninteresting statistics, and to eat up processor time significantly more efficiently than the original War.”

Yet another Design Awards runner-up, War Extreme is a game that through cunning legerdemain manages to play itself, removing the user from the equation entirely. At long last, the personal computer has found its purpose. No longer must we humans play long, boring games of War until the wee hours! No longer must we handle actual physical cards! No longer must we exchange preposterous banter with other players whilst we slap down card after grimy card in an endless mentally-demanding nightmare!

As helpful as War Extreme 1.0 is, its usefulness could be improved a hundred million-fold if it offered the following features:

  • Megadecks containing 2184 cards in 168 distinct suits. Some useful suit names to get started: spears, livers, rakes and cubic zirconias.
  • Network-enabled play, allowing two computers to duke it out! We hypothesize that the G5, due to its 64-bitness, will perform much better at the computationally intensive task of choosing a card to play.
  • Egyptian war with “Crocodile Fight” rules enabled.
  • Clustered multi-way war — consider the magnificent waste that becomes possible if a whole cluster of Xserves was kept busy playing “The Game of Kings.”
  • Dutch war, with special “Windmill” cards.
  • Automatic publishing of statistics to a website, with full-fledged clan and ranking systems. Tournaments would be held bimonthly, except during summer, when they would be held every Sunday at 11:30 AM CDT, except during a presidential election year, in which case they would run every Tuesday at 2:42 PM GMT, except if one of the presidential candidates’ name contains two consecutive “L”s, in which case the match would be cancelled in favor of a Braunschweiger-eating contest, unless Germany invades, in which case a contest will be held to determine who does the better imitation of a nervous gopher.
  • Sophisticated iSight-based image processing and artificial intelligence used to determine how quickly the user becomes bored watching their computer play with itself. If the user never becomes bored, iPatches’ patent-pending PirateVoicePro telephony technology would phone the Homeland Security Goons.

Kynan Shook of Really Early Morning Software: you disgustipate us with the sheer inutility of this AppleScriptulous frassbag. Cut the mullet, and enjoy this sweet-’n’-savory 11. Damn your eyes!

Download War Extreme

Posted by jan at September 24, 2003 10:15 PM | TrackBack
Comments

Looks like fun, except I have reason to believe that this game involves the daemonic. Nick, thats your specialty. Go kill some things.

Posted by: Laemkral on September 24, 2003 10:29 PM

Message from the Imperium:

Hereticus Ordo Inquisitor Nick has dispatched a kill team Led by Space Marine Archibald T. Hedgehog of the Grey Knights. Orders are to leave none alive. Suspected psychic's brains are to be harvested for transpla.. er, disecting.

-End Transmission-

Posted by: Nick on September 25, 2003 02:39 AM

Does this count as first post, since the other two comments are so crappy?

Posted by: fuddes on September 25, 2003 11:41 AM

yes.

Posted by: on September 25, 2003 11:59 AM

This is the first post, because the other four is so crappy.

But this post is crappy too.


Crap.

Posted by: Comment Space Waster Pro™ 1.1 on September 25, 2003 12:29 PM

Sixth post... Or...er... 3rd...or 1st... DOUBLE CRAP!!!

Posted by: Previously Insane on September 25, 2003 01:55 PM

Note:
In the game of War, one does not "choose a card to play", you just flip the top card.

You owe me .004 cents for my time.

Posted by: Boo Boo Bye Bye on September 25, 2003 02:51 PM

What happened to Art Linkletter?

Posted by: Balthazar on September 25, 2003 03:32 PM

All who just insulted the Inquisition's postings have been identified and rounded up for "interrogation".


What? Its an interrogation with quotes around it. I didn't want to do do some cheesy 'rounded up for a "chat"' type thing. Thats just not my style.


Or is it?
Carry on.

Posted by: Laemkral on September 25, 2003 05:03 PM

Addendum to Message from the Imperium:

Counter to what our previous message said Inquisitor Nick is actually of the Malleus Ordo. We are sorry, but the paperwork was mishandled. All involved in the mix up have been executed and replaced with servitor drones. Rest assured, however, that a kill team was dispatched. Inquisitor Nick has updated their orders to include fuddes' residence as well. By the by, Art Linkletter, recipient of ten honorary doctorates and suspected alien, is being held for questioning by Xenos Ordo. Do not pursue this matter further.

-End Transmission-

Posted by: Nick on September 25, 2003 05:55 PM

Number Ten Official PvT Crappy Post of the Day!!

Posted by: 10th Crappy Poster on September 25, 2003 05:57 PM

Dear Imperium,

This means "War Extreme" is declared upon you!

Oh, I will probably regret saying that knowing the endless drivel that will undoubtedly come from their highest ranks.

Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on September 25, 2003 06:29 PM

Norm. The Imperium of Humanity is beset on many fronts by many enemies. We have heretics to deal with, aliens to exterminate, and daemons to purge. A few trivial planets declaring war is all good and well, but remember that there are a lot of Space Marines out there, not to mention the human armies of the Imperial Guard. If we weren't so busy with the Tyranid Hive Fleets, or those annoying Chaos Space Marines and their pesky raids, or those haughty Eldar with their "We are smarter and older than you humans. We have fancy weapons and armour and ships. You would be ours to crush if we werent so few in number" attitude, then you can bet we'd be dealing with the Orks that just don't die. And there is plenty more I am not permitted to mention.
So go ahead, declare your "war". The Inquisition will always be there, and if you think Big Brother is watching, remember that you at least see Big Brother.
So, have a nice day and carry on.
By the way, I am Hereticus (hence why I'm hear monitoring you people). Thus the mixup.

Posted by: Laemkral on September 25, 2003 08:12 PM

So to sum it all up....
Oh, I'm so scared! I'm shaking in my power armour boots!
*laughs menacingly*

Posted by: Laemkral on September 25, 2003 08:13 PM

Can we make sure that this doesn't fall into the hands of the GMC? We really don't want them to have the ability to unleash "War Extreme" even if it is version 1.0!

Posted by: U. D. Mann on September 25, 2003 10:26 PM

My god....he's right...
Hmmm....GMC...thats kind of an alien threat as monkeys aren't humans, but they are pretty close so I guess it is a Hereticus job. But it could be Xenos....
Ah screw it. Agents will be inserted from both Ordos and they will be dressed in the damn best monkey suits money can buy.

Posted by: Laemkral on September 25, 2003 11:30 PM

I want to see 2 more features added to this game.

1) network play - ability of computer to automatically create/join tournaments. This way we could find out who has the computer that is best at playing this game.

2) tight-beam transmission - for those who want to play this game with possible neighbors in this corner of the galaxy.

Posted by: no body on September 26, 2003 12:39 AM

Can we all agree to stop posting things like the above posts?

Posted by: Kinna McGriddle on September 26, 2003 01:43 PM

No. I want to play with people in neighboring universes to. I mean, shit, my girlfriend lives on Vega IX and if it weren't for John Stamos my phone bill would be entirely too large. Like my girlfriend's ass. Is it really that hard to use a fucking stairmaster?

Posted by: Nick on September 26, 2003 07:51 PM

You know a great way to lose weight? Smacking your boyfriend around.

What a cardio workout! Feel the burn!

Posted by: Nick's girlfriend on September 29, 2003 08:30 AM

Shut up, woman!

Posted by: Nick on September 29, 2003 10:31 AM

A great sage is reported to have said "Never piss-fight with a skunk". Perhaps that advice does not apply to computers.

Is this worthy of a 'feature request'?

Posted by: DuckPhup on October 2, 2003 09:30 PM
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