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“Many’s the reason to know when they go, The chum, the hero, the unlucky, the ill.”
Self-described as a “killer app,” Dead or Alive from EZPZapps.com will “make sure you know when they go,” by performed scheduled searches of its directory of online obituaries for particular personages in whose imminent demise you are interested. In other words, DoA notifies you when someone dies. Of this concept, it makes a notably greasy hash, providing an interface positively spattered with faux metal, and irritating fade effects. That sound you’re hearing right now is probably you ululating for joy at the mere possibility of one day deploying this app in a profit-leveraged B2B enterprise setting — but wait! There’s more!
Once DoA completes its excruciatingly slow search of the provided web pages, you may receive a positive confirmation of the death of your selectees. Should this happen, a startlingly pulacrimous* MIDI rendition of Simon & Garfunkle’s Bye Bye Love begins playing at full blast. Should one be unfortunate enough to receive notification of the death of a close acquaintance by this method, the sheer gall of this song choice would likely drive the unfortunate subject into a state of violent mental agitation, stoppable only by soothing compresses of strained swallow pureé. Other provided musical selections include: Killing Me Softly, and Accentuate the Positive, and twelve other melodious instrumental favorites. Incidentally, we would estimate that searching 18 obituary sites with DoA would take approximately fourteen centuries, during which time the interface is utterly locked and bereft of function. As such, we suggest limiting yourself to one or two.
But those nimble rakes at EZPZapps.com knew their job wasn’t done before suggesting registration of DoA, but providing no way to register on their Kagi page. This effulgent stratagem will surely result in a synergizing win-win scenario, and bulgify EZPZapp’s PE ratios to levels of unchartable excess. Unfortunately this rosy picture is somewhat dampened, when one realizes that the North American Electric Reliability Council has no plans to certify DoA for use as a long distance electrical distribution line. On the bright side, rumors of a potential Cruz Bustamante endorsement of the product, with an accompanying $550 billion ad campaign for DoA could spell good times ahead.
EZPZapps, we are filled with a morbid, yet tangy fascination when we contemplate the prospect of entering your names into DoA, and waiting for that inevitable moment when the refreshing strains of Every Breath You Take begin to filter through our tinny speakers. Meanwhile, we hope to weaken your already dyspeptic constitution with an insalubrious 8.2.
*pulacrimous, a. peppy and filled with life; excruciatingly euphoric, as before two cocks fight.
Posted by ladd at August 17, 2003 11:21 PM | TrackBackThis program makes me want to be one of the people it finds.
On a side note, I don't know why this program should exist except to find out when "Bill Gates" dies. If you want to know when a person dies, keep in contact with them when they are alive. Then their kin/friends living nearby will alert you when the deceased become...um well deceased.
I recently lost a relative and let me tell you. I would NOT want this program to be the one who tells me. That being bad enough I would just find the music insulting and make things worse.
I always used to download most programs listed at perversiontracker just for the fun of it. Not this one.
Posted by: Aleksander on August 18, 2003 12:53 AMMost of these programs are stupid, pointless, or just plain odd. This one is tasteless. I think nothing more can be said.
Posted by: Laemkral on August 18, 2003 01:48 AMThe concept of getting public information like death records through the net would be an interesting idea.
i.e. it's public information, we should be able to get at it
Obviously the implementation of this app is deliberately twisted, for the author's amusement no doubt. :)
Posted by: Kalgari on August 18, 2003 06:57 AMIf the application took a series approach at getting the info then I might have seen hope for it.
Posted by: Aleksander on August 18, 2003 09:42 AMCould this possibly been written by the GMC to help track when the Generals in the Armies against them die off? This would help alert them when to strike. Plus, they just love that brushed metal look.
Posted by: U. D. Mann on August 18, 2003 10:21 AMFirst po....oh crap.
Posted by: Stinky Wizzleteats on August 18, 2003 10:23 AMHow utterly grotesque. I sometimes feel for the authors so unlucky to be reviewed and judged so harshly by ladd et. al. but in this case I feel no such pity.
I have said many a tasteless thing in my life, but this goes beyond a mere slip of the tounge to something like taking your baby hostage, torturing it, and trying to sell you pictures.
I feel ill, but that be the sour milk I drank.
Posted by: pat on August 18, 2003 10:27 AMI must point out that, as every Music Dweeb well knows, the Everly Brothers wrote and made famous "Bye Bye Love," whereas Simon & Garfunkel's rendition is merely post-modern appropriation.
Posted by: A Dog-Faced Boy on August 18, 2003 12:54 PMI think it's hilarious. For a group of folks with keenly attuned senses of humor, you certainly seem to be overly down on ol' DoA. I think the point here is this: If you have a realtive or a loved one that is nigh death, and you put their name in this ap then it is you, not EZPZapps.com, that has a problem. I think it's like Laemkral said, you put people's names in that you are waiting for to die, like Bob Sagat or Ryan Secrest.
(waiting for to die? is that even gramatically correct?)
Posted by: Nick on August 18, 2003 08:02 PMGrammar is for those who aren't xenos scum. Are you xenos scum? Probably not, but just in case....
And when I meant checking to see if bill gates is dead, I meant checking for people named bill gates but who aren't THE bill gates, dieing. Because then you can say bill gates is dead.
Let the galaxy burn. Until the 31st of August.
Paul is dead.
Posted by: paul on August 19, 2003 01:57 AMA bill gates, the bill gates... it doesn't matter how many of them die or who, exactly, they were, so long as I'm still right.
ps - sorry paul. that really sucks about you being dead and everything.
Posted by: Nick on August 19, 2003 09:49 AMAlso - I am not xenos scum.
Posted by: Nick on August 19, 2003 09:52 AMCheer up all. At least it doesn't include (yet) a pop-up greeting card reading
Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
this is to notify you
that your friend is dead.
Now *that* would be tasteless...?
Posted by: no body on August 19, 2003 11:20 AMComment Space Waster Pro™: Makes life easier than EZPZapps.com does
Save a lot of money by buying Comment Space Waster Pro™ AND the Norm O. Tidwell Action Man™ together!
Posted by: Comment Space Waster Pro™ on August 19, 2003 02:40 PM"If the application took a series approach at getting the info then I might have seen hope for it."
I disagree.
It's hard enough coming to terms with the death of a loved one. Dragging it out through multiple episodes is bound to make the pain linger. "Tune in next week, where we select a coffin!"
Although, when reviewing the fall television lineup, it appears that some are already going down this path. Fox's "Luis" looks to be taking a series approach to death, and a quick one at that.
Posted by: Rob on August 20, 2003 11:05 AMDead or alive, you're coming with me.
Posted by: Robo Cop on August 20, 2003 08:10 PMYOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND
BABY RIGHT ROUND
LIKE A RECORD BABY
RIGHT ROUND
ROUND ROUND
Anyone checked for Elvis?
Posted by: Neal Jackson Esq. on August 31, 2003 10:25 AM