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Like a permanently motion-deprived housecat left out for too long on a suspiciously salty sidewalk, HeckleWorks Pro will never have any true friends. An occasional lecherous old vulture may stop by, like George W. Bush inspecting the troops, only to depart in a feather-fluffing huff after being told that “A PerversionTracker reader could hate to a greater or higher degree than you!”
That quote is, of course, the result of painstaking manipulation of this insulting application to produce the desired, yet still unleavened, result. But if we leave this app to its own devices, we get such comic gems as:
That last insult was added at the request of Aldus McStubbs, our benefactor (Nice guy, but his pants are too tight. And why does he have to be so hairy?). It seems the simian horde dislikes Mac rumor sites. Except that MacOSRumors guy, who really must be admired for his fungi-endowed pack of lies, which he somehow passes off as a website.
In truth, we mostly ignored the heckling options, preferring to concentrate our (sometimes erratic) attention on the oh-so-typical animating face, whose special talent for watching our cursor fascinated us, much like the thought of force-feeding Steve Jobs mayonnaise-laden chicken salad does.
HeckleWorks Pro, you are pithier than a passel of pith-prawns who pine for a single pithy proviso in their pineapple-production contract. And since you mention echidnas, well, we cannot deny you the right to a strangely fecund 3.2.
Posted by jan at June 20, 2003 10:47 PM | TrackBackMaybe it's just me, but didn't the Iraqi information minister use this program during press conferences? :) -Chris
Posted by: Chris on June 20, 2003 11:33 PMzonino!
Posted by: 2nd post on June 21, 2003 12:13 AMnummer tre!
Posted by: 3rd post on June 21, 2003 05:15 AMYou can download HeckleWorks from:
www.thedailygrind.net/software/HeckleWorks.html
You could even use it to write perversionTracker reviews in Ladd's absence.
The next category will have a whole extra level of abuse focused around RealBASIC.
Posted by: theDailyGrind on June 21, 2003 08:27 AMAlas, the last sentence proves that I cannot type, or indeed make vaguely pleasant applications. It should read:
The next version will have a whole extra level of abuse focused around R***B****, and an "export to FTP" function for perversionTracker.
Mr. Grind:
If you are collecting words and phrases for your extra abuse level, the staff of PvT is eager to donate surplus adjectives and nouns. Some are "gently used" but many are still in the original wrapper.
At this time, however, we are fresh out of verbs. The verb truck is very unreliable.
Posted by: naomi on June 21, 2003 09:04 AMThen the verb truck should be roundly flaggellated. Then you should seal it in a barrel and drop it off a bridge into a lake... of fire... in the crater of an active volcano. And just before you drop it, open the lid and drop in a scorpion that thinks the truck has insulted its mother. This can be achieved by means of a statutory declaration with the truck's signature forged at the bottom. The molten lava icing on the cake is that you go to the trouble of making staggering advances in the fields of etomology and linguistics, then use them solely for the purpose of making the truck's plunge to imminent firey oblivion more unpleasant for a second or two. And that realisation is the truck's last thought. Then it would learn the value of punctuality, and not being crap.
Posted by: theDailyGrind on June 21, 2003 09:45 AMI'm not sure, but I think that Grind has been here before...
Posted by: Leibnitz, N on June 21, 2003 07:10 PMI sense great humiliation in this app's future.
http://www.versiontracker.com/dyn/moreinfo/macosx/20024
Posted by: The Valrus on June 22, 2003 04:41 PMThe Versiontracker link is laudatory. That would fit in with a score of 3.2, indicating that at least Jan is planning to use it.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N on June 22, 2003 09:21 PMLaudatory is a nice adjective but I would much prefer sycophantic or ingratiating. These words sounds ultra-"English literary professor" while maintaining a somewhat less imperfect charm through a comparatively scientific manifestation. Kids these days seem to pay so little attention to the wonderful nuances held in the English language. Methinks a thesaursus for Christmas would not go fallowed.
Posted by: Previously Insane on June 23, 2003 09:09 AMSNOOTY BRIT ALERT!!!!!!! Quick... hold 'em off with a toothbrush!!!
Posted by: JNXed on June 23, 2003 11:30 AMWeren't all the thesaursuses wiped out when the asteroid hit?
Posted by: Leibnitz, N on June 23, 2003 04:39 PMI'd have a sore arse if I was hit by an asteroid!
Posted by: aussie boy on June 23, 2003 09:04 PMAll the thesaurasus were not wiped out in an asteroid. You were thinking of the time when all the rhyming dictionaries were lost during that snow storm in Montreal (luckily we found them in the old water purification plant). No, nothing has been destroyed by an asteroid (accept of course for the land that has since become the Gulf of Mexico). No, humanity has merely decided to disregard great erudite and scholarly talents in favor of sit-com-ish humor and canned laugh tracks. One day you will prevaricate on these deliberations. ‘till then… We have PvT
Posted by: Previously Insane on June 24, 2003 08:20 AMIt ist worse than I thought. You know the language is going to pieces when the people who would wish to see more people using books containing information regarding the proper use of certain words don´t remember any more how to form the proper plural of its generic term? It is a latin term, o-declination, male, so what is the plural? Hm? Write it down a hundred times by hand until sunrise or I´ll have to throw you into a pit full of Polyplacophorae! Still, I am inclined to support the initial idea, although there is no better way for studying a foreign language than watching their local TV broadcast. Once you realize that this collection is full of worthless language distortion, you can go back to your thesauri, but already you are able to go out and order a meal in a restaurant all by yourself.
Posted by: Younghart on June 24, 2003 10:51 AMAhh Younghart. You truly “ist” the greatest of adversaries but might I point out a blemish on your conundrum. The plural for the generic lexicon is, actaully, properly pronounced, spelled, and articulated immaculately. I don’t wish to point censure or appoint culpability but unless my eyes deceive me you seem to have attacked me fraudulently. Perhaps the energy you spend endeavoring to substantiate your self-worth would have been better spent using a grammar check on your second sentence. For your Run-on sentences and your miss-aligned judgment I appoint you a 9.8.
Posted by: Previously Insane on June 24, 2003 11:40 AMWhen you attack someone else's spelling and grammar, you better be sure that yours is flawless. Thus, for inappropriate criticizing of spelling and grammar, and insisting that "thesaurasus" is "actaully" a word, I award you, Previously "Now Currently" Insane, a thoroughly non-"miss-aligned" and "actaul" 10.7. Cherish this well-derserved guerdon.
Posted by: Mickey Knox on June 24, 2003 01:20 PMAccording to my dictionary ("the other white meat"), the plural of thesaurus can be spelled either thesauri or thesauruses. As the inimitable Mr. Knox has pointed out, it is decidely NOT thesaurasus.
Dear pre-Insane - you are right. This sentence is a mess. Especially this question mark at the end.
We may well have different opinions on the spelling of multiple copies of a thesaurus, but I have to insist that you retract the assumption that this would be my way of bolstering up my self-esteem! I certainly do a lot to caress my ego, alas it never has to do anything with grammar/spelling. There are measures more drastic to be considered (and you really don´t want to know).
Thank you for the 9.8 though. It ist more zen I aimed four.