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This software was dragged screaming into the world, coated in its own tar-like meconium, for two reasons. First, because the developer couldn’t find a decent computer-based metronome. He’s still looking. Second, because he wanted to “do” a simple program to help him learn Cocoa. He’d have been better off sticking to the type of cocoa that involves a clean teaspoon and a mug of warm milk.
This cobbled-up concoction of crapulous Cocoa code does one thing well. It ticks (or thuds or beeps — don’t worry, I’ll come to that later) at a user-definable tempo in beats per minute (BPM). Most useful for getting an orphaned wallaby off to sleep. Hang its bag on the side of your computer, and you’ll fool the wee beastie into thinking the regular ticking is the heartbeat of its mother. Very soothing, very cute. So how many of you have an orphaned insomniac wallaby?
And — be still my throbbing goitre — you can choose from three different sounds:
On second thoughts, I’d only play this to a baby wallaby if I had first equipped the poor creature with a cyanide capsule, a straight razor, or a pistol with one bullet left. ‘Twould be the kindest thing!
After just 28.5 seconds at 125 BPM, I found myself screaming in time. And then my bowels gave way.
But I’ve saved the best for last. Click on the clock icon, and a handy little drawer glides out with all the silken grace of an elephant’s placenta — the Tempo Finder. This fiendishly clever precision instrument lets you find out how many BPM your music is playing at. How? While your music is playing, you click the mouse on the appropriate button in time to the beat. Bloody genius!
All those rhythm-challenged wannabe John Travolta’s out there, who couldn’t find a beat if it slid up their trouser leg and bit them on the sperm pouch, can save the effort of downloading this little beauty. It won’t do them the slightest bit of good. On the other hand, it would be useful for bringing on the sort of spastic jerking that they normally reserve for the dance floor …
Cow Factory Software, please insert this red-hot 8.9 beneath your dirty fingernail, and push until it makes you scream. Then pull it out and do it again. And again. And again. Because that’s the sort of torture you’ve inflicted on the rest of us. Oh, the inanity!
Posted by at June 15, 2003 12:00 PM | TrackBackGotta love how it's called AquaGnome, yet has a brushed metal interface.
Posted by: john on June 15, 2003 12:12 PMI want to punch that gnome right in the face. It just looks so ridiculously stupid.
Oh . . . um, and first post . . . and stuff.
Posted by: fuddes on June 15, 2003 12:16 PMdamn you, john.
Oh . . . um, and third post . . . and stuff.
Posted by: fuddes on June 15, 2003 12:17 PMMr fuddes,
You are so predictable in your attempts to be the first to post. It makes me think they used you as the prototype for AuqaGnome.
And the beat goes on...
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on June 15, 2003 01:43 PMWow. AquaGnome will now make it so much easier for me to practice the playing of my contra-alto clarinet! I have so desperately desired to possess a digital metronome that is easily transportable on my laptop computer, yet it is so hard to find such a program without actually trying to find one....
As for the feature of determining the bpm of a song, I can do that without AquaGnome. Its called the "Ask a Percussionist How many Beats Per Minute Are In This Song" method. And I must say it works dandily well.
Yeah, um...I don't feel like mentioning JFK today seeing as I just had my High School graduation party...
And my head hurts from staying up late and watching too much Family Guy.
Staying up late and DRINKING LIKE A RUSSIAN more like it. Ho ho!
Posted by: the albatross on June 15, 2003 03:04 PMThis app really is a little piece of shit. It's almost nifty in that it will compute BPM for me, but is still a load of shit. Shit shit shitshit. Monkeys!
Posted by: Benkay on June 15, 2003 06:28 PMwhere am i?
Posted by: Name!! you'l be asking for my credit card number next on June 15, 2003 06:46 PMI have to admit that I'm not an orphaned wallaby (there are few wallabys in Sweden), but I downloaded it ant actually found it useful. Earlier, I didn't have a metronome, now I have one.
So what do you think, should I ask my parents if there were any genetic experiments involving wallabys made on me before I was born?
Posted by: Erik Hedman on June 16, 2003 05:49 AMHuh, this actually seems pretty good.
It's a metronome.
It has choosable sounds (however bad they are, have you heard a real one?)
It has the most accurate mechanism for detecting BPM. Have you tried waveform analysis on recorded sounds to get BPM? It's clever when it does work, but...
Apart from its metal interface, which it actually has a chance to use following the guidelines, this app does exactly what it should. It doesn't do anything wrong. It doesn't have curious user interface oddities from somewhere near Jupiter.
I get the feeling that PerversionTracker has actually run out of bad things to review. Picking on an app which is actually useful and slating it for it's annoying sound repetition (hello? You want a metronome to play a tune for you or something?) is just low - it's not PerversionTracker, it's CriticisingRantTracker.
No, I'm not the author, nor do I know the author, I just want to see funny reviews about bad software. Unfunny reviews about useful software kinda misses the point. Just cos I'm the musical equivalent of a small rock doesn't mean I can't see how it could be useful for some... and I would hope PT could do the same.
Sir, for this pantaloon-pumping putrescently puerile review I award you an unmitigated 11.0. bring back the old PerversionTracker!
Posted by: random visitor on June 16, 2003 08:25 AMHear, hear, random! It seems to me one of the most important things a performer needs to learn is how to judge when the show is over. Leave 'em wanting more, and all that. Right now, reading PvT is like watching a train wreck: you just can't look away, but that doesn't mean it's pretty. Why not quit when you still have a few shreds of integrity? Then we can look back and remember PvT as it was when it was flying high, not as the twisted chunk of debris it will be if you continue to pilot it straight into the ground. Heck, anyone can tell you that a tired brand can be revived after a time, but one that's been mismanaged is done for.
If you really want to continue and uphold your earlier journalistic integrity, perhaps you should consider terminating the one-review-a-day policy. Take up a list of email addresses of interested parties, and send out a notice when you find a new entry truly worthy of the classic PvT.
Posted by: Mike on June 16, 2003 09:28 AMI have some credit card information I would like to put in a "safe place".
I have inserted the information as far as it will go, but I'm still worried about possible leaks. Thank you for pointers.
Posted by: Jimmy on June 16, 2003 09:38 AMHmm, copyright problems for Cow Factory Software. I have held ALL commercial rights to the Aqua Gnome character, and uses thereof, since 1973.
The resemblance between the program's "THUD" sound, and the sound effects used by the real Aqua Gnome as he repeatedly kicks the beejeezus out of Metaltron's shins.... I suppose UNCANNY is the nice way to put it.
Cease and desist, and expect to hear from my lawyers, Cow Factory!
Posted by: Jimmy on June 16, 2003 09:47 AMIf everyone who frequents PvT downloads FPP, then who gets first post?
Posted by: Last Poster on June 16, 2003 11:20 AMHmmm. Looks like a few of you anonymous commenters have your panties on a little too tight. I weary of this blah-blah-blah about the mythical "good old days" at PvT -- you know, before we let the Aussies in.
Nobody is forcing you to read PvT every day (that will only happen after the revolution, when the Happy Time begins) so why not skip it and use that time for deep-breathing or spending more time with your garden gnomes?
You'll feel better. We'll feel better. Go on now, turn that frown upside down!
Posted by: naomi on June 16, 2003 02:30 PMAnd to the gentleman who worries about "possible leaks" -- don't we all, Jimmy, don't we all.
Posted by: naomi on June 16, 2003 02:31 PMI refuse to defend myself on the following grounds:
1. I'm insane. I think a wallaby is my baby, and that "George W." is a funny name for a shrub.
2. I subscribe to the theory that people who complain about television programs, or books, or anything else that requires their active participation in the receipt of the message, need taking out the back and flogging with a frozen jabiru. If you don't like it, then a) turn it off; b) put it down; c) other. In other words, avert your eyes. Did I come to your house, accompanied by my vicious hit-quokka Rocko, and make you read this guff? Did I cut off your eyelids and jam your head in a vice in front of your computer? Naaaaah! Didn't think so.
3. I don't have time.
So there! Cheer up. I've only got forty years to live!
Posted by: aussie boy on June 16, 2003 10:05 PMOh aussie boy...tisk, tisk, tisk.
Yes you did come over and jam my head in a vice in front of my computer. Can you let us out now? If you really want someone to read your stuff, wouldn't it be easier to offer us money or free sex? Gee wiz, how are we supposed to go to the bathroom with our heads in a vice?
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on June 16, 2003 10:32 PMAnother bloody whinger! Did I bolt the vice to the desk? No. Lift the bloody thing up and walk to the bathroom, you lazy old Norm O., you! Rocko warned me about you!
Posted by: aussie boy on June 16, 2003 10:37 PMHansel, is that you ticking?
Posted by: The Dutch Resistance on June 16, 2003 10:38 PMIt's a bome!
Posted by: Inspector Clouseau on June 16, 2003 10:38 PMYes, the anonymous whinger returns.
It wasn't intended as a flame (well, not just a flame) or a complaint purely for the point of complaining. It was intended as a short note to say 'this is getting worse'. And yea, I know, there is always the danger of looking back through rose-tinged glasses; but PvT did use to get big laughs from me.
On aqua gnome, is was almost big tears.
And yes, I realise I am just one insignificant member of a global audience. And yes, i can go other places; I am not forced to read. But that's kinda the point, isn't it? I'm just saying, if PvT is this kind of standard, I'm not going to keep coming back. Boo-hoo, you might say, but i doubt I'd be the only one.
So, quaff your beers, rack your brains, and track down that terror-inducing bad software. Today's review (Tuesday's) is funny again, picking on weaknesses albeit not too harshly, and you have my eyeballs again :)
Don't give up, Aussie Boy, but fewer bad days please :)
Posted by: random visitor on June 17, 2003 05:40 AMAwwww! Randy (may I call you Randy?), how could I resist such well-spoken blandishments? I shall try harder! I shall! And one day, if I'm good enough, maybe I too can fly to the moon! (Or at least get a job in a chimpanzee enclosure, flinging sh*t at the punters!)
Posted by: aussie boy on June 17, 2003 07:19 AMPoor Randy, how terrible for you, forced to read aussie boy's Sunday reviews every single damned week...
What is this world coming to?
Posted by: naomi on June 17, 2003 08:36 AMTo quote naomi, "What is this world coming to?"
Let me tell you what you what this world is coming to. It is coming to one great big ball of wax like a candle and all that matters is that you have a great big wick.
Did you do a number two like I asked you to? You can use my colostomy bag if you need to,
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on June 17, 2003 09:54 AMT'is only because I am waiting for the BBQ Part 2. Everything else pales in comparison.
See? When I can't answer properly, I, too, can resort to weak humour. Apologies for my past comments; I won't do so again.
Posted by: randy visitor on June 17, 2003 11:00 AMOh, Randy! Sadly, there has already been a BBQ part 2. And part 3 has been refused a rating by the Censorship Board ...
Private showings are possible, however. On the second Friday of each month whose name contains the letter Y, I will be projecting the page onto a soiled handkerchief that is stuck to the wall of the bicycle shed at St Marmaduke's School for Repressed Catholic Boys. Who said religion and art didn't mix?
Posted by: aussie boy on June 17, 2003 07:04 PMI'll be there....will refreshments be served?
I agree that this is a useful app.
Posted by: on June 18, 2003 03:24 PMI also agree that this is a useful app…tick…I also agree that this is a useful app…tick…I also agree that this is a useful app…tick…I also agree that this is a sueful app…tick…I alao agree tha; this ai sias uelfulapp…tick…Ialso agree thathth8isiieuleful app…tick…
Posted by: Irving 143 on June 18, 2003 04:31 PMThis app is useless...how?
Posted by: - - e r i k - - on July 15, 2003 07:47 AM