Poop Alert 1.0

To quote the author, “Poop Alerts is client/server application set that pops up Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on a remote computer, and then poops on it.”

And surely if anyone can pull off this herculean feat of legerdemain, it is John Schilling. Just as my downstairs neighbors are adept at producing strange smells throughout the day, and playing endless jam music until my ears revolt and move to Batoslovakia; so too is Schilling skilled at the production of function-free practical pleasantries.

When we unpacked this flocculated little gem, we realized it could best be evaluated in the newly-constructed PerversionTracker Product Testing Laboratory located in Pony, Montana. Featuring state-of-the-art facilities, the laboratory contains four high-security tester observation chambers, as well as 24 cutting-edge Macintosh XL computer systems.

When deployed, results were swift, and surprisingly vicious. After seventeen hours in the Subject Restraint Cage, ordinarily mild local accountant “Carl” became incensed at the continuous cycling between the “German Poop” and “Elegant Poop” sound effects we had chosen to deploy. By fashioning an ordinary nylon sock into a cutting torch, Carl ingeniously effected his escape. Fortunately, his attempt to destroy our working copy of Poop Alerts was a failure, and thus we were able to continue our testing on other volunteers. Regrettably, due to a clerical error, our subject interviews and post-test psychological screenings were recorded onto one sheet of black construction paper, and therefore cannot be reproduced here.

Although some will call us inhumane for our roughshod treatment of our test subjects, it should be noted that by feeding them hourly with Little Debbie Cakes, and providing “as-needed” hydration with Yoohoo chocolate drinks, we meet or exceed federal safety standards for software test subjects. And remember: it’s for science.

John Schilling! We salute you for this non-salubrious contribution to the cankered field of remote torture. Please accept our offer of a 10.5, and consider adding Rendezvous support! It’s easy, French, and attracts women like flies on lard.

Download Poop Alerts