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A perfect example of the software design methodology we like to call “poop in a suit,” PaPaPaLMer leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth, as if you had just consumed a pint of OatsCreme blended with emu doots. PaPaPaLMer manages to combine a shiny website and package with disgusting metal-ness and dubious functionality.
The sole function of this app is to insert a few user-entered variables into a string — clearly, this a task of gargantuan proportions that cannot be accomplished without the assistance of an overly-complex program. The way PaPaPaLMer postures, you would expect it to at least come with a decent Chocolate Eclair recipe.
Hint to developer: We can tell when you or your friends give your own product favorable reviews on VersionTracker. Especially when you give one-star reviews to the competition, claiming “no support NO THANKS!” as your reason for hating it, while piling fulsome praise upon the almost identical PaPaPaLMer.
“Iconizer Software,” what a day, what a day. Starting at this momentous moment, you are now a citizen of the “real world.” No more afternoon naps, no more lazy days of organizing your shrunken head collection, no more all-night beerfests. Now that I have awarded you a 10.5, you are so much better off than all those other losers who have never had their software reviewed by PvT. What a day, what a day.
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Why would anyone release an application mere hours after the release of PaPaPaLMer, an application that does the exact same thing? “Simply because I am tired of seeing others who make software this rediculously[sic] simple, then expect people to pay for it,” reads the FreeWare Inc. “We’re Not Really Incorporated” (ha, ha!) website. “I am here to cleanse the shareware world of bad software. After all, who would pay for what they can get for free?”
It’s true then; PaPLink was created as a direct response to PaPaPaLMer. Ooh, ooh, I bet Iconizer’s ass is still hurting from that stinging slap.
Sadly, while attempting to cleanse the shareware world, Mike of FreeWare Inc. has unwittingly contributed a fresh monstrosity to the already monstrous freeware world. If you really want to destroy this type of application, Mike, I suggest that you track down all copies of its source code and weave a net of interlocking looped stitches around them with circular needles. That would be, like, so cool — you could call yourself “The Crap Knitter.” I can hear the theme song now…
The sound of a mouse clicks ‘cross the net,
Good folk, lock up your shareware brainchild,
Beware the deadly sneaking threat,
Unless you want to end up riled.
Crap Knitter, Crap Knitter!
He finds shareware and steals.
Crap Knitter, Crap Knitter!
He’s lower than slime eels.
Crap: his apps just make me sick,
Crap: his metalwork makes me swear,
His language is real-ly basic,
His creativity is not there.
Crap Knitter, Crap Knitter!
He has no cunning plan.
Crap Knitter, Crap Knitter!
He’s earned a 9.8 from Jan!
In summary, don’t use either. The whole deal reeks of parsley.
Posted by jan at May 21, 2003 08:05 PM | TrackBackToo scarey! Too scarey! (holds hands over his ears and hears 'The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow' in his head).
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on May 21, 2003 08:41 PMMaybe you mentioned this and I really should get my eyes checked, but generally when an application has OS 9, X, and Windows versions, I think of REALbasic, which I belive you all hate.
Posted by: Icarus on May 21, 2003 09:36 PMhaha thats hillarious that they posted negative comments for paplinksmear. nice job catching that one
Posted by: tom on May 21, 2003 10:00 PMnice Blackadder. :)
Posted by: raena on May 22, 2003 12:08 AMMy beerfests tend to break up around 4:00 am while there's still plenty of beer to be had. What's the secret to getting them to go all night? It still eludes me.
I know that it has something to do with the parsley.
Posted by: Rob on May 22, 2003 08:49 AMI use Paypal Linkifier. I also do the dirty with sheep. YOU sheep will be buggered 'fore your day is through, mates!
Posted by: aussie boy on May 22, 2003 09:11 AMWhy bother reviewing useless software?
Posted by: ??? on May 22, 2003 11:41 AMBecause Uselessness is Life and you are nothing.
Posted by: Thuros M. on May 22, 2003 12:04 PMFor me life has a profound meaning.
Posted by: ??? on May 22, 2003 12:24 PMYes, that of uselessness.
Speaking of life, I have none:
http://www.xfinitegames.com/~arthur/PPLinky.html
Posted by: Thuros M. on May 22, 2003 01:01 PMWow, TWO program reviews! My heart is a flutter with the beat of butterflies wings, but that could just be the pizza I had for lunch clogging my arteries and causing my heart to beat irregularly. Either way it feels funky.
Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, the magic bullet. See, it defies the laws of physics for a bullet to take this type of tra-*is tackled and silenced by a group of men in black suits with earpieces and the words 'CIA' stitched lovingly across the back of their suit jackets, possibly by their mothers. Wait, where was I heading with this action?*
Speaking of life and useless software...If all things are tied together, then why are they (k)not?
It is kind of like sewing both ends of your digestive track together in a circle. What goes around, comes around. Food turns into crap, but crap does not turn into food unless you break the circle. So useless software is our way of justifying our existence. "Oh gee, look at that crappy piece of software, boy do I feel better about myself. All is well in the universe."
Likewise, crappy software would not exist without someone to dump heaps of great literature masquerading as a lowly review. It is a truly symbiotic relationship.
[NOTE: No doubt the filthy persons who run this site will edit the last paragraph to make it more favorable to them!]
Posted by: someone smarter than me. on May 22, 2003 03:50 PMWhat the hell is going on down there!
The post by someone smarter that me was mercilessly changed to favor the the reviewer. Is it not enough that you, the reviewer, publicly masturbates mercilessly with your reviews on the internet that you need to change the comments of a few low end slaves! Do you think you have all the power and there is nothing I can do about it? OK so you do have all the power and there is actually nothing I can do about it. I say, "SO WHAT!"
I feel an internet flame war coming on. Get me my stupidity hat, I have a full can of whoop-ass to deliver.
Posted by: someone smarter than the last guy. on May 22, 2003 06:28 PMWhy do people rob banks? Because that's where the money is.
Why review useless software? Because that's where the humor is.
(or "humour", for those of you who don't know any better.).
It's the journey, not the destination.
I have a big wiener.
Posted by: longdongsilver on May 23, 2003 10:52 AMThat's not difficult, when they can be purchased in lots of six at the nearest supermarket.
Posted by: the beast that shouted "ugh" at the heart of the world on May 24, 2003 01:19 PMAll publicity is good publicity...or is that no publicity is good publicity...or is that all publicity is bad publicity? Forget it...
Posted by: Andrew Logan, BePro Developer on May 24, 2003 08:00 PMHey! I leave the joint for five minutes, and some goddamned low-life scumbag cuscus-shagging no-knob goes and masquerades as me. Not only that, but the steaming heap of emu arse-apples has the sense to spell the name correctly, and with no capitals. (Kudos to you there, buddy! My previous boofheaded imitators couldn't even get that right.)
But you did make one lethal error. I don't bugger sheep. I make luuuuuurv to them!
Be prepared. I'm about to launch an attack from your ceiling, a la "Crouching Wombat, Hidden Dingo". I'm going to cleave your head from your shoulders with a very blunt soup spoon, which I will then use to scoop out the quivering pile of dung that passes for your brain. Said dung will then be deposited per rectum. Say your prayers and grease your sphincter, pal! Vengeance is mine!
Posted by: aussie boy on May 25, 2003 07:23 AMHey! Aussie Boy didn't use the word "Belvedere"!
BTW, what does it MEAN? (my primary language is not english)
Posted by: the one that doesn't come from an english-speaking country. And it was on May 25, 2003 08:05 AMHey aussie boy,
There is only one flaw in your plan for vengeance. As they say in the movie the Matrix, "There is no spoon."
Posted by: Neo on May 25, 2003 04:15 PMNeo, do you believe in the spoon?
There shall be vengeance, and it shall rain upon the false idols like flaming rocks from the sky.
Or a nasty dose of chancroids ...
Posted by: aussie boy on May 25, 2003 07:28 PMMishka rules !
Posted by: Mishka on September 23, 2003 09:48 AMBoris rules !
Posted by: Boris on October 1, 2003 01:44 PM