War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
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Mach Ten Metas claims to be “the easy, quick solution to creating meta tags.” In case you ain’t from around here, meta tags are HTML tags that are supposed to help search engines index websites. Meta tags are usually ignored nowadays, due to widespread overuse and abuse. For example, here is a small but revealing sample of the keywords we have listed on PvT: “swanky digs, blue-footed boobies, dingo’s donger, I’m a Bushie!, regurgitated meow mix, Kissinger’s fleshy orbs, pee-pee poo-poo, cherry bomb pie, Ashcroft, scatology, scientology, pentacle, Pentagon, golden showers.”
But obviously MTM doesn’t work very well, since if it did, you never would have heard of it. Slightly poor software impresses nobody. Laughably disgusting software, however, impresses us greatly. And MTM is very impressive. Either that or we mistook a hot stove for the toilet again.
Although we didn’t actually attempt to use MTM per se, as they say, one look was enough to convince us such an activity would be more painful than inserting a fresh onion slice in place of our normal Cottonelle (“Cottony Soft Toilet Paper for you and your family!”) Ultra Fluffy Super Puffy Tissue. We have no quibble with bright colors — in fact, our taste in shower curtains has been described as “What are you, some kind of rainbow child?” — but this? This is ocular madness.
Our resulting nausea (both physical and existential) was not calmed by the Star Wars-inspired sound effects punctuating our every action and the blurry label text that created the painful illusion that we had just stumbled through a three-day Saharan sandstorm with eyes wide open. The grossly inept pinstripe background brings to mind William Shatner’s heartbreaking rendition of “Mr. Tambourine Man” — indeed, our bodies saw fit to go into cardiac arrest shortly after the experience.
dot sw (a.k.a. Tommy P.), your name has ruined this paragraph. It could have been “Dot sw,” or “Dot SW,” or even “Dot SuckWare” — all would have been a better choice. Further demonstrating your feeble grasp of English is the frequent use of the word “Documentry.” For this, and many other unspeakables, we are relieved to fling a slightly squishy 11.0 in your direction.
Posted by jan at May 13, 2003 09:35 PM | TrackBackFIRST POST! HA HA HA HA Hacck, hacckk, *cough*, *cough*.
Umm. My gown is more maroon than yours is.
SECOND POST!
Yes, but what about your TASSLE? Huh? Huh? The NON-EXISTANT one??!?
Posted by: Jan on May 13, 2003 10:39 PMI second that motion, throw another squishy thing at this disgusting pile of code. Maybe it will improve its apearance, or just attract more files.
Posted by: bob dole on May 13, 2003 11:00 PMit's just plain goddamned unfair when the Tommy P.'s of this world write software. PvT, for a demoralisingly easy arm-chair day job, i award you a 3.14.
Posted by: Third post - eat that buttsnaggers on May 13, 2003 11:01 PMJan, you hard-hearted, sunken-eyed, white-faced, fleshless vampire of idiom. I'll bet you a Susan B. Anthony that you thought you'd managed to sneak in the "dingo's donger" without me seeing it. Well, I take Amex, MasterCard or Visa, buddy!
And you might have got away with it, too, except that the Federal Treasurer yesterday tabled this year's Australian budget, which basically removes the liver from the health system, and the heart from education. I am thus in a foul mood, and prowling for a target.
So, you undead fiend, expect a tap at your coffin lid one night very soon. I'm going to drive a steak through your cankerous heart -- and it's going to be wrapped around a very pointy stick!
I'll give you "dingo's donger" ... Mutter, mutter, mutter ...
Posted by: aussie boy on May 13, 2003 11:33 PMMr Tommy P.? Open up! This is the Style Police!
Mr P., I am arresting you on suspicion of taking Windows buttons, painting them red, and inserting them into purportedly Macintosh software. You have the right to be mortified. Anything you are not embarrassed by may be used as evidence for the lynch mob. Do you understand?
Good, then please step up to the noose and place your head through it.
OK, boys, light up that there cross on the lawn, and let's burn us a software jerk! Yeeeeeeeeeha!
Posted by: The Style Police on May 13, 2003 11:37 PM7th POST!!!!
Can I sue PvT for damaging my eyes?! Clicking on the MTM pic really hurted!
I think $12,000,000,000,000,-- will do to let the pain go away. (Be glad I typed $ and not ? with the current exchange rate!)
Posted by: not so bright... on May 14, 2003 02:20 AMSo ... much ... blooooooooood!
Posted by: Murder Witness on May 14, 2003 05:36 AMI wish I knew how you guys found this shite. Do you have a special RB RADAR or something? It's precious - thanks!
Posted by: Rixster on May 14, 2003 08:23 AMBai-dar maybe?
Posted by: Hodag on May 14, 2003 09:03 AMI would take full responsibility for slipping the dingo's donger past the censors (now that's a disturbing mental picture!) except for the ameliorating fact that the devil made me do it.
Posted by: naomi on May 14, 2003 09:24 AMMy wife rented "Pooty Tang" last night.
This is the same woman who continually mocks me for renting "The Nutty Professor."
Rather wonderfully, a Google search for "Kissenger's fleshy orbs" does actually yeald a result -> http://www.google.com/search?num=100&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&safe=off&q=Kissinger%27s+fleshy+orbs&spell=1
Posted by: Andy on May 14, 2003 04:19 PMAh! I should have known that the Evil Naomi would be behind this! And don't try to blame the devil, for I know that you are she! Begone, oh dark one! And don't come back until at least tomorrow at 7.46 a.m.!
Posted by: aussie boy on May 14, 2003 07:24 PMWhile Mach Ten Metas may still linger around the internet it is no longer officially supported by dot software. Visit http://www.dotsw.com and see if you cna find it there. While the interface may be horrible, that was my second or third application ever. Not only that but that was compiled in Mac OS 9. At the time of compilation I had never used Mac OS X and I think 10.0 was out at the time.
Sure the interface may look horrible, but layout wise it's not quite as bad as you said. The sound effects can be removed, and I've even included an iffy language kit which was done through Altavista's Babelfish. Sure thats probably not a very good translation, but it is more effort than some authors make.
So you say you didn't try the software? It is possible that you did not fully test the software, but you certainly did try it, and probably found it was not quite as bad as 90% of the stuff on here so you chose to just review the interface instead.
Anyways, comon, pickin on 3 year old software? Now how good was your spelling and grammar when you were 13?
I wouldn't really say my name is ruined, in fact I'd say the complete opposite. Any exposure is better than none. In fact I'm sure a lot of you will visit my web site, which is http://www.dotsw.com by the way, because of this article.
On the contrary, nice article. As a fairly regular visitor to this web site I must say you've done a great job reviewing the interface, now how about the program?
It wouldn't surprise me if one of my "learning" Cocoa apps were found on this site (http://www.dotsw.com/otherapps.html) because they are just that, simple programs to teach myself Cocoa/Objective-C. Hell, only Font Sampler is listed on VersionTracker-- and you can look at that because I know it's not perversion tracker material.
Tommy
dotsw@dotsw.com
http://www.dotsw.com
Scientifically speaking, Tommy's website is precisely 653,000 times better than AquaSoft's. So he does have that going for him.
Posted by: Durf on May 15, 2003 12:28 AM"Anyways, comon, pickin on 3 year old software? Now how good was your spelling and grammar when you were 13?"
Dot SW said it. He must be all of 16 now.
Excuse me, I gotta go to the head and BARF.
PS. My spelling and grammar were FRICKIN GREAT at 13. My Momma moved us out of the trailer when I was 12.
Posted by: Rixster on May 15, 2003 01:58 AM“Anyways, comon, pickin on 3 year old software? Now how good was your spelling and grammar when you were 13?”
Evidently not any good at 16 either.
http://www.dotsw.com/phenoix.html
I spoke the iffy language fluently when I was a child -- no Babelfish translators available for us then!
Alas, that knowledge, like so many other things, has been lost to the sands of time.
Posted by: Rob on May 15, 2003 02:12 AMhey come on guys, this isn't supposed to be a personal attack, he made this app when he was 13 in a language he didn't know, you gotta give him some credit.
we all find the review funny, thats the point, but theres no need to insult the guy when he defends his soft .. i actuall use a few of dotsw programs and he's a good coder, alot of talent.
Posted by: base on May 15, 2003 03:15 AMHeh, harsh text, but I doubt tommy's gonna mind, that much. :D
That is potentially the most ugly application I have ever seen. But it makes it stand out of the crowd, Good going mate!
Posted by: Juzz on May 15, 2003 04:03 AMQuite correct, base! Let's pick on you instead!
Hey, where did you learn to spell! "i actuall use ..."? Fwahahahahaha! Fwahahaha .... urrrrrrgh! Damn! There's karma in my throat!
Posted by: aussie boy on May 15, 2003 05:25 AMlol..hehehe, thanks base.
BTW, that phenoix page (the content) hasn't been updated in about a year and a half and if you are going say I spelt phenix wrong then think again. Despite the seemingly right fit for that word and that application it is supposed to be Phenoix, pronounced "eff-wa". It is French creole for something or other. Don't ask me some friends gave the name to me.
Yes, I'm 16. What does that matter?
Posted by: Tommy on May 15, 2003 07:59 AMYeah, let's not be casting asparagus on the age question alone. Remember that Jan's only five ("and a half!" as he insists now, how precious) and he's been writing good software for years.
No. Stick the scimitar where it belongs -- into the soft solar-plexus of sucky software.
There's nothing wrong with the little kiddos writing practice programs with bad grammar if it keeps them off the streets. What I deplore is the posting of so much useless and/or ugly crap on the web. Just because you have the power doesn't make it right.
But carry on, carry on.
Phenoix, pronounced "eff-wad", is a surprisingly popular term. A Google search for it reveals a bunch of people who can't spell, preceded by (or perhaps including) Tommy right there at the top of the list. Oh yes, and the following excellent link:
http://bob.materialkemi.lth.se/phen.htm
None of the links seem to refer to anything Creole, and indeed Googling for "phenoix creole" finds only a review for a Chinese restaurant.
Posted by: drew on May 15, 2003 02:06 PMI Apologize, that is what I was told.
Posted by: Tommy on May 15, 2003 05:15 PMOH GOD MY EYES! IT BURNS!
Posted by: Blindman on May 16, 2003 07:23 AM