War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
Sponsored by
L337.com
Due to a recent plague o’er the land of ponderously pensive readers, we have decided to offer a special multimedia review for the acrididine hordes.
The Book of John “was designed to teach reading the old-fasioned [sic] way,” say the fine Bible-thumpers at codeJesus. “The way children learned to read hundreds of years ago was by reading the Bible and so I created this program to do the same thing using the computer.”
“Can anything good come out of Nazareth?”
“I saw you under the fig tree.”
Mommy, what’s a pronoun?
In this picture, the “dove” descended upon the head of Jesus (or is it John?) in a delightful bit of “animation.”
Helpful Hint: The answer rhymes with “turd.”
Although our spirits lifted when we scored 100% on the quiz, we found the application woefully slow and incomplete, with only Chapter 1 available. The ending of this story must be too disturbing for kids, or they wouldn’t have left it out. We read Chapter 1, but that accomplishment was not reflected on our “reading log,” and now all the other kids say we didn’t really read it. Those bastards. Now we hate the Bible and it is all your fault, codeJesus.
We award codeJesus a sanctimonious 10.4, with points off for the lovely “dove” animation and teaching us what “cephas” means.
Posted by jan at April 29, 2003 12:15 PM | TrackBack...but why are there toothpicks stuck in the dove's hiney? Why is that turd sitting on the bottom left? And why, oh why, does that angel look like it's scraping its bum along the cloud like it's got a case of the pinworm?
These questions and more! Oh, so many more.
Posted by: raena on April 29, 2003 12:51 PMThe E.T. -- Jesus connection becomes clear at last.
Posted by: Rob Marquardt on April 29, 2003 01:42 PMLooks like the poor Lord has a nasty case of psoriasis going there. And with his feet all bound up like that, it seems he may well have a nasty dose of Hansen's Disease, too. Miraculous healer, heal thyself!
But at least I know why television cartoons are so average these days. All of the truly great cartoon artists and animators are now working for codeJesus.
Ow! My tongue just burst right through my cheek! And is that lightning ... Aaaargh!
[SFX: Reverberating, stentorian voice from above: "Vengeance is mine!"]
Posted by: aussie boy on April 29, 2003 05:59 PMSo, if this is Jesus 1.0.3, is there an Old Testament 1.0.x out there, or is that just considered Jesus public beta?
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on April 29, 2003 06:09 PMIs that Ned Flanders with the moustache?
Posted by: Homer Simpson on April 29, 2003 06:31 PMHey, the guys are all back with their senses of humour! Yahoo! Let's play!
DISCLAIMER: Any references to any search engines, living or dead, are purely fictional and unintentional.
Posted by: aussie boy on April 29, 2003 07:33 PMAch, Hansel, is there no limit to the Nazi propaganda machine? Look at the moustache on that blonde Pharisee. It's Hitler with peroxide. I told you he wasn't dead, Hansel!
Hansel?
Really, Hansel, I do think you'd be a lot fitter if you got up out of your chair now and again. And blow those maggots out of your nostrils. How can you fight Nazis if your nostrils are all blocked up like that? And don't you think it's time you took a bath?
Hansel, are you listening to me?
Posted by: The Dutch Resistance on April 29, 2003 07:38 PMWow,it seems like everyone in the Bible had chemotherapy done on them repeatedly as they are ALL bald.
And I don't think using the Bible to teach kids how to read is very wise...I mean there is some very unpleasant stuff in there! Incest, mentions of incest, mass slaughter, wrathful heavenly beings, a man having nails driven through his hands and being left to die while hanging from a cross, the dead rising again, and even lieing!
Is this what we want our children to learn?
Hmm...the sky is getting awfully dark and cloudy...and why are there still people in black suits with shades following me??? I didn't mention the JFK conspiracy! Whoops...
*runs*
JFK conspiracy? Jesus F'in' Krist?
Posted by: Oswald on April 29, 2003 09:51 PMI'm shocked at the blatant rip-off of the Rugrats theme in this program. I'm almost certain that Nickolodean has copyrighted badly drawn images of children undergoing some sort horrible medical treatment. If not, let me know, because I can draw bad better than these guys.
My new career! Yeah, I can see it: Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha.
"Knockdown on the Ganges"
Leibnitz, my terminally amusing Western buffoon, I hope you are an orphaned bachelor only-child with no offspring, because you have committed a life-threatening act -- threatening to your own life, that is.
It does not behoove you well to go mentioning a certain "profit" (nudge, nudge!) of "Central not-Western" religion (wink, wink!) in a humorous light. To do so invites the ripping of spleen, the gouging out of eye, and the reaming thoroughly of sphincter, infidel devil dog! For there is nothing so abrasive to the Arab as your capitalist blasphemy, especially when it makes to mock the mighty, massive mobs of Mecca!
It might pay you to remember that (for as long as your brain is still residing in your skull). Remember Salman Rushdie? Well, look what happened ...
What's that, Achmed? Nothing happened to him?
Ahem! Anyway, just watch it, pork-eater!
Posted by: A Concerned Pastelinian ;-) on April 30, 2003 12:01 AMIs 'A Concerned Pastelinian' a pastel worshipper? Maybe he/she is a fan of Badly Drawn Boy
Posted by: A Concerned Grayscalian on April 30, 2003 10:14 AM> Why is that turd sitting on the bottom left?
> And why, oh why, does that angel look like
> it's scraping its bum along the cloud like
> it's got a case of the pinworm?
Actually the angel is perched on a heavenly toilet
which deposits its contents upon the land below.
Book of "John", get it?? HAHA! HA! That might
explain the vivid yellow landscape, as well.
"Watch out where the angels go, and don't you eat
that yellow snow."
What really irks me about this program is the assumption on the part of the coders that there are cacti in Judea. Oh puhleasse Judea is fig and olive tree country. Oh, yeah, land of milk and honey too---cue cow.
Posted by: babelfish on April 30, 2003 04:50 PMWhat's frightening is that I think that they think having purple people is, like, multicultural? Some sort of Maybelline/Tuareg inclusionary thingie?
"I know Jesus loves me because I'm purple, but he still let me be in a video learning tool, even though I am an animation that looks like something that would normally be expected to be on the cover of the Enquirer, with 'alien' and 'anal probe' in the headline."
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on April 30, 2003 09:46 PMThe only thing more tedious than bible-thumpers whining about aetheists is aetheists whining about bible-thumpers.
You're all sanctimonious bores.
Posted by: scooby on May 5, 2003 04:39 PMNice articles in a few pages. Please post more, I will visit this site again soon.
Posted by: zip codes on September 6, 2003 03:27 AMAll I have to say to those that made rude and unplesent comments about the world of God. Is that each and everyone of you should find out the truth for your seld open the bible I dare you to take a step of faith or what ever you might call it and learn the truth about the WORD OF GOD. This is the only way to having a good and productive life. I believe any way you put the WORD OF GOD out for all to see the SEED OF LIFE IS GETTING PLANTED and althose that log on to this sight and took time to read it know just a little more about My/your Lord of all the earth. So be careful.... For that read this I pray that the Lord will minister to you. So once again take my challenge and read the Good Book for your self because Jesus Saves, He's awesome and it's worth it all..
Living for Jesus!!:)