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Ah, you’re back! Or is that your front … Never mind. I suspect you thought last week’s review of Aussie barbie meat was as attractive as the mangy purse of a three-legged blue cattle dog with ticks. So this week I’m going to treat you to a more cultured topic: an anthropological survey of the great rituals of the barbie.
The most crucial feature of barbecue society is that the female (or sheila) exists only to make salad, and to deliver meat and fresh beers to the males at the barbie. When she is not doing so, her only task is to join with other small groups of sheilas, as far from the barbie as possible, and look pretty.
If the sheila is not able to look pretty, she is referred to as a bush pig, and universally shunned by all but the fat, sweaty bank teller who laughs too loud and whom no-one can remember inviting.
The sheila must not approach the barbecue, except to deliver meat or beer, and must certainly never touch the implements (see below) or cook. In keeping with the mores of barbecue culture, I shall not mention sheilas again.
The job of the male, or bloke, is twofold — cooking and getting as pissed as an emu. The latter is intrinsic to the former. Cooking is simple, and is divided into four main phases:
There are four main tools of Barbecue Man (Homo australiensis flatulosis): the spatula or egg flip, used to scrape stuck steaks off the barbie plate; the tongs, the barbie equivalents of a king’s sceptre, and held by the Alpha bloke, who clicks them while cooking to remind the other blokes of his dominance; the blunt knife, used to hack apart strings of sausages; and the barbecue fork, used to prick small holes in the sausages so that fat can drain out of them and ignite.
As with many primitive rituals, the greatest hazard is fire. The paramount rule in a fat-fire is that the blokes should never attempt to put it out by massed urination, otherwise the burning fat may spread, and this could heat your beer — disaster! Just beat the burning fat with the spatula until it is so far dispersed that it is no longer able to burn. Ignore the pain.
You have learned much, Grasshopper! Now go forth and conflagrate! Aussie barbies rate 2 out of 11. (Points off because I’m not a sexist pig, and don’t appreciate this kind of talk in front of the ladies, mate!)
Posted by aussie boy at April 22, 2003 03:29 PM | TrackBackWhen did you decide bad software was boring?
Posted by: Monkey on April 22, 2003 04:34 PMHmmm...
So similar to American style barbecuing methods that I can't help but wonder if the British accidentally sent some of those inmates destined for Australia, here to the colonies (or America, depending upon who you ask).
However the one difference seems to be that we American's branched off into cooking round patties of ground beef. These RPOGBs are then placed between a roll of bread sliced horizontally and topped with various vegetable slices, squished tomato pulp (or tomato, depending upon who you ask), and other various things.
Ah, good old fire.
Laemkral, you have just filled in a great many blanks in my education about things US. Just one thing -- is the forced passage of flatus by the blokes around the barbecue part of the US experience as well? It is a great conversation starter (or finisher, depending on who had what to eat within the past twelve hours), and is attended by a great deal of hilarity.
In Australia, a hamburger is something you buy from a shop (or "cafe"). It would be far too complex for the primitive tools and culture of the Australian bloke.
Mind you, we have a lot of other things in common with you Seppos. We get The Simpsons, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Bachelor (and The Bachelor II, and ...), and World's Greatest Car Chases, and Happy Days, and M*A*S*H, and Survivor XIII: North Korea, and ...
Posted by: aussie boy on April 22, 2003 07:17 PMThank God no one forces me to read all the articles here.
Posted by: fuddes on April 22, 2003 07:21 PMAussie Boy-
In my experience, although forced flatulence is always encouraged around the American barbecue (or "grill"), it's best if the direction of the expelled flatus is opposite (and downwind) that of the grill itself. And, Dear God, don't try to utilize said flatus to put out grease fires, or sausages won't be the only source of scorched assholes at the barbecue.
Posted by: derPlau on April 22, 2003 07:48 PMderPlau, you have my gratitude, old bean. If knowledge is power, then surely this morning I have earned myself a junior Cabinet post in a small southern African junta.
In return, I should complete your education somewhat, I feel. For you have alluded to the lighting of flatus, albeit unintentionally. Between the ages of 12 and 18, I attended a boarding school, and one of the most amusing of stunts was to lie on one's back while in bed at night -- still wearing one's summer-weight pyjamas, naturally -- and ignite one's flatus with a lighter. Oh how we'd laugh and cavort as the walls flickered with blue and green and yellow light.
Like many such follies of youth, however, this one too is tinged with tragedy. One young chap, a year older than me, gave no thought to the combustible nature of synthetic fibre. Were his pyjamas nylon? Rayon? Polyester? A silky blend? No-one will ever know. But they melted onto his sphincter in a dreadful moment of methane backdraft. He was rushed to hospital, but they couldn't save his shorts ...
It is a true story, kiddies. Please, please never try this at home, unless your buttocks are firmly encased in non-flammable heat-resistant nightwear. Once quick flick of the the Zippo, and WHOOOSH! You could have a charcoaled, blistered ring. Johnny Cash knew what he was singing about, believe me!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 22, 2003 08:06 PMWow! There are some real intellectual giants here. Too bad they are all posting comments about farting and the effects of applying flame to said farts.
And on that note, you should try shoving a gerbil tube in your anus first, it gives a great morter effect
Posted by: stizzzzoned on April 22, 2003 08:41 PMWell, stizzzzzoned, it appears we have released your internal beast! (To whit, one gerbil, slightly frozen, no doubt!)
Sadly for you, I have a tale to tell about that sort of carry-on, too. And it's also true -- would I lie?
Two chaps arrived at the Emergency Department (unfortunately, here in Australia we are not blessed with "ERs", but "EDs") of a well-known Sydney hospital, one with burns to his rectal area and a ruptured colon, the other with facial burns and a broken nose. The story of the events leading to this unfortunate presentation remained unknown for some time, both men attempting to pass their injuries off as being from separate and unrelated incidents.
It all came out in the end, however. I shan't go into scatalogical detail, but suffice it to say that should you ever lose a small rodent in your gastro-intestinal tract, don't place a cardboard roll in your bottom and hold a lit match to it.
Colo-rectal gas is highly flammable. And a gerbil, shot from a ... tube ... at high speed will break your nose, be in no doubt.
For those of you -- and there will be many, no doubt -- who find this distasteful, remember two things. First, it does happen (or so I'm reliably told). And second, stizzzzzoned started this conversation!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 22, 2003 09:22 PMHansel, they are coming! They are disguised as the postman, but I recognise those Gestapo swine anywhere! I do not know how they stay so young ...
Quickly, Hansel! It's time to bring out the 2-inch gerbil mortar!
Stop squirming, man! It is only a furry little mammal.
OK, now aim it out the window.
Yes, yes! Now I have opened the window. Ready, aim ...!
One flick of this precious Amerikaner Zippo and ...
Ah! Right between the eyes, Hansel!
Really, Hansel! I don't know what's worse: your screaming, or all that noise the Gestapo postman is making trying to remove a flaming rodent from his eye-socket ...
Posted by: The Dutch Resistance on April 22, 2003 09:54 PMRene! A message on the secret radio! It seems our Dutch friends have come up with a wonderful new way to remove hemorrhoids ...
Posted by: The French Resistance on April 22, 2003 09:57 PMHey, Slobodan! Barbecue at the Dutchies place ...
Posted by: The Yugoslavian Partisans on April 22, 2003 09:59 PMOh crap. I understood every word in that entire thing.
Posted by: DJ on April 22, 2003 10:13 PMWell, strewth, DJ! Stone the crows! You and I should head down to the rubbity, then try to head home without fallin' down the apples. By the time you had a couple of silver bullets, you wouldn't know what the hell I was rabbitin' on about! Ripper, cobber!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 22, 2003 10:21 PMThis is the best thing I've ever read. The old wive's tale about the lost gerbal being the capper (complete with insistance that it's true...it just happened to a friend of a friend)...can we have aussie boy banned please? complete with an IP block of the whole island?
thanks!
Posted by: Puns are not funny on April 22, 2003 11:22 PMHey, Puns are not funny, give me a break, mate! stizzzzoned practically dared me to tell that story, so how about banning him, and let me tell you about the time this guy took a lemming and pushed it into his
[Transmission blocked: 0348 hours, Guatamala Banana Festival Time]
Posted by: aussie boy on April 23, 2003 02:54 AMInstead of banning people, lets execute them with a gerbal butt cannon. Seems a fitting punishment for the crime.
Posted by: Do you feel lucky punk? on April 23, 2003 12:08 PMI would like to apologize for my earlier comments. I did not want to inflame (oops) the editors of this fine publication. PerversionTracker has been a great friend to me, and they are due the highest respect. I mean no harm, I just like for people to have a giggle now and then. Perhaps my commentary was a bit garish, but I hope deep down in their hearts they can find the courage to forgive my flippant remarks. I will from now on refrain from comments of felching, and will use similar restraint if topics along the line of beastiality, bondage, or feces art work crop up.
Posted by: stizzzzoned on April 23, 2003 04:20 PMAll is forgiven, stizzzzoned! Please come home! Pleeeeeeease!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 23, 2003 05:08 PMhola nose de donde me conocen pero bueno si quierencharalar con migo mni numero es 155515321
Posted by: edgar on November 20, 2004 01:46 PM