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Falling into the category of “shameful attempt to be reviewed,” PT Bruiser claims to be “the premier PerversionTracker-accelerated web browser for OS X.” Offering such technological marvels as “CSSMangle3000™” and “RandomRearrangement XL®,” PT Bruiser is clearly the technology leader amongst all the PerversionTracker-accelerated browsers we examined.
But does this browser really have the shameful inattention to detail that makes software really bite the testicles? In this case, I think we can answer with a resounding “maybe.” We were initially disappointed to note the lack of a metalized appearance, which would have gone some distance in solidifying this application’s position as pure crap. It does however achieve some compensatory effect through its use of a delightful bruised apple icon, and the NeXT-retro home icon, which is shared by the Finder.
While the HTML rendering is just about as hideous as you would imagine, essentially stacking all the div tags on top of each other, the page remains surprisingly readable. This application is clearly not as sophisticated as Internet Explorer 6, which fully implements the emerging W3C standard, Side Bar Disappear (SBD). Instead, PT Bruiser opts for SBD’s lesser predecessor, Side Bar At Bottom (SBAB). A very disappointing misstep by Mr. Coffey.
Despite this black eye, PTB still succeeds brilliantly by accelerating the URL-typing process. If you mistakenly type in “PertersionWacker.com”, you can rest assured that you will be safely redirected to PvT. In fact, if you type any URL other than ours, you will also be taken back to PerversionTracker. This leaves the desperate web surfer with only the links present on our web pages as an escape. At this time, we’d like to extend a LUCKY PRIZE to anyone who figures out how to work their way from our web site to any descriptive scientific paper regarding badgers, while staying entirely within the PT Bruiser environment. The author claims that there is an unlocking process, allowing one to visit arbitrary URLs, but we have not located it as of yet.
The read me claims that PTB is incapable of submitting forms, as a security measure. Unfortunately, this has been revealed as nothing more than a blatant lie, as any trivial test of PvT’s search function will reveal. This should make the badger challenge significantly easier for any would-be contestants.
As potential future improvements, we would like to suggest continuously varying transparency of the main window, as well as a SimPiglet-inspired calvacade of grunting sound effects whenever the mouse is moved. These features, along with the previously mentioned textured appearance, would go far in making PTB far more useless.
Mike Coffey, you sly devil, we can’t resist handing you an 9.2, for introducing yet another worthless browser into the world. However, your score will be retroactively lowered to an even 8 should anyone succeed in winning the badger challenge, thus proving a possible use for an otherwise god-awful crumb-heap.
Posted by ladd at April 16, 2003 03:20 PM | TrackBackClicking the sponsored by l33t.com ad will take you to the l33t website, allowing you to go to cafepress. Now all you need to do is find a way from cafepress to google and the world is your mollusc of choice.
Back to trying to find a link to google.
Posted by: Harold on April 16, 2003 04:00 PMHmmm...
Posted by: Anonymous on April 16, 2003 04:29 PMGot it!
OK, this is long, but it works.
From PVT, take link in sidebar (near very bottom in PT Bruiser" to CARS (Crazy Apple Rumors)
From CARS, follow link in sidebar to "Apple"
At apple.com search for "google"
Choose the first result down (Safari)
Near middle of page, take the link "Google Search Engine"
Search for Beaver Scientific Paper
Take result for "Bob Arnebeck's web page on beavers," which comed up 3rd for me
In the middle of that page, there is a block of links. On the right side, near the bottom, take link "Scientific paper on Beavers and Trout"
Viola!
Yes, I DO have too much free time.
I've got your Badgers right here...
Posted by: Michael on April 16, 2003 04:39 PMMan, I wish I didn't have a job.
Posted by: Jerry on April 16, 2003 04:45 PMWhat is the LUCKY PRIZE? I'm guessing it's a free registered copy of PT Bruiser...
Posted by: Michael on April 16, 2003 05:03 PMBeavers? No, no -- the man said BADGERS.
You have to understand that beavers are totally inferior to badgers. This is mainly because beavers eat their own poop (I have heard this is true of all vegetarians?) and have teeny little eyeballs and no sexy white stripe down the middle.
I must also point out that beavers have nothing to do with trout and frankly I am shocked at the salacious implications of this slander.
Oh, I've come over all dizzy now...
Fish! Fish are so lovely to me, I am tempted to break my house arrest and risk The Big House for one more -- just one more! -- night of piscine passion. Please remove all references to these soft slippery seductive swimmers from your awful site.
Help me, I'm drowning...
Judging from the screenshot, PT Bruiser looks to handle PNG better than IE 6!
Posted by: Rob on April 16, 2003 05:05 PMHah! My does like to Badgers. So I beat Hanji on a technicality! How perfectly perverse...
Posted by: Michael on April 16, 2003 05:09 PMPff! Easy!
a) Unlock the little bugger
b) Get a Ph.D. in zoology
c) Write a paper on badgers
d) Publish said paper on the Web
e) Type in the URL in PT Bruiser
"You have to understand that beavers are totally inferior to badgers."
Okay. You keep the badgers, I'll take the beaver.
Posted by: scooby on April 16, 2003 05:59 PMTo make this program even more heinous (or is that hyenas), it should pop up a confirmation dialog after every URL entry verifying that you really wish to go to that URL. Of course it only has one button, "No", and it would then return you to PVT.
And an angry badger would rip you arm off.
Posted by: Dr. Bombay on April 16, 2003 06:15 PMThe badger's your friend! Make friends with the badger!
The badger's your friend! Make friends with the badger!
The badger's your friend! Make love to the badger!
The badger's your friend!!!
Went to school with a chap called Badger. Went on to become a famous sinologist ... Don't know what that has to do with badgers, though. I do wish you people would concentrate.
Belvedere? Have you run my ostrich-milk bath yet? Well put it back into your trousers and run along, man! The Viagra is wearing off!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 16, 2003 06:52 PMHere's a even quicker way to do it. Open PTBruiser. Click on the comments below the article and then click on my name (I used google.com as my url).
Posted by: Jon on April 16, 2003 07:04 PMGood thoughts, Jon and Lex, but MT uses JavaScript to open links, so PT Bruiser doesn't actually follow them...
Posted by: Michael on April 16, 2003 07:25 PMI wish my car had CVT like James Bond's car in "Die Another Day."
Maelsrom Crew: "Yahoooo! Alriiight."
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Posted by: Double Worsted on April 16, 2003 07:41 PMSo the comment didn't work. Next I try the trackback.... Nope that still doesn't work.
There must be a faster way ....
Like: Bribe someone to put a link on the page (sponsor the article and then get a link posted) ...
Like: Get someone who has a link to put up and article on badgers ...
Posted by: Jon on April 16, 2003 11:03 PMSo the comment didn't work. Next I try the trackback.... Nope that still doesn't work.
There must be a faster way ....
Like: Bribe someone to put a link on the page (sponsor the article and then get a link posted) ...
Like: Get someone who has a link to put up and article on badgers ...
Posted by: Jon on April 16, 2003 11:05 PMI'm surprised at you people! Its very simple indeed. All you do is write a program that writes scientific papers on badgers and then put it on version tracker. Wait till jan, ladd, naomi, or someone else of importance finds it and writes a review about it on PvT, and voila, they put up a link to the badger paper!
Am I a genius or what?
(Hint:The answer is 2)
Badgers?!? We don't need no steenking badgers!
Posted by: noddy on April 17, 2003 12:54 PMNoddy, luv yer work! Hee hee hee hee hee!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 17, 2003 06:32 PMIt keeps going invisible darnit!!! How am I supposed to concentrate with the constant pig grunting. This new version doesn't work at all! Ahhh I can't hear myself think!
Posted by: HerePIggy on April 18, 2003 03:20 PMwhat is perverse software?
Posted by: bazghah on November 10, 2003 01:54 AMperverse software? it's perversiontracker. It reviews terrible and/or useless software.
Posted by: ryaxnb on November 13, 2003 02:05 AMI've got your Badgers right here...
Posted by: Cyanide on May 29, 2004 11:21 PM