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Picture this. A bloody great red-headed berk wearing a blue singlet and thongs (rubber sandals, not bum-flossing underdaks) swaggers in to the front bar of the Yackadandah Pub and shouts at you for all to hear: “Oi, you! The bilby!” I assume you’d do what any red-blooded Australian male would: drag the mongrel into the dusty street and remind him — with the tip of your size-ten, steel-capped boot — where his anal sphincter resides. So what would you do if he was to call you a Lesser Bilby? All right, settle down! It’s rhetorical. Put away the pistol and pay attention, pal!
But you are, of course, correct to burr up. No-one would take kindly to such an epithet. And yet there was, if legends (and authoritative scientific publications) are to be believed, once a real creature by that name — the Lesser Bilby (aka Macrotis leucura). Imagine, if you will, an opossum. Now rip off its ears — hypothetically! what’s wrong with you buggers? — and replace them with those of a rabbit. Pointy-up its nose with a pencil sharpener, staple a cheerleader’s pompom on the end of its tail, and nail a plank on its back to make it stand on its kangaroo-like hind legs. What have we now? An object of ridicule? Yes. A Lesser Bilby.
This wee foot-long beastie (not a Subway sandwich!) could not cut the mustard (no, still not a Subway sandwich, you half-baked excuse for an emu’s cack-hole!), evolution-style. It was last seen alive in 1931, quivering fearfully in the sand in the South Australian desert near Cooncherie — I don’t make these names up! — before being stomped to death by a near-sighted Swedish anthropologist who thought it was the gigantic rat that haunted his waking nightmares.
The final trace of it (the Lesser Bilby, not the Swedish anthropologist) — literally a chunk of skull — was found in 1967, in the nest of a Wedge-tailed Eagle. What in the hell anyone would be doing poking around in the nest-detritus of a Wedge-tail is beyond me. Those buggers have the wingspan of an F-16 and claws like Freddie Krueger, and they aren’t afraid to use them! But I digress …
It’s probably just as well it died out, because Lesser Bilby is actually among the kinder of its common names — try “Lesser Rabbit-eared Bandicoot”. How could it go out in public? Everyone would laugh and laugh … The Aborigines were much more kindly disposed to the pitiful skerrick, and called it Atnunka (translation: “Small furry creature about a foot long, with rabbit’s ears, a fluffy tail, and hind-legs much like those of a small kangaroo”). Pithy buggers, those natives!
So there you have it. A pitiful, pathetically named fur-ball that couldn’t even survive in the waterless expanses of superheated sand in the heart of outback Australia. Bring me a spittoon! I must expectorate in disgust! For you, Lesser Bilby, an 8.5 only — points off for living into the 20th century. You were even too useless to die out in the first hundred years of white occupation. Hopeless! Bloody hopeless!
Download Lesser Bilby (Extinct)
Posted by at April 9, 2003 12:28 PM | TrackBackWow... what the hell language is this written in. Can we get a translation for us American readers?
Posted by: suicide on April 9, 2003 01:01 PMI downloaded it, it bit me, I'm crying, I hate it, It won't fit back into the download port, It's killing all the local wildlife, it knocked over my Listerine.
Posted by: John on April 9, 2003 01:16 PMTranslation: In Australia, there was once a small nocturnal mammal known as the Lesser Bilby. It's believed to be extinct.
Glad to be of service! : )
Posted by: Rob on April 9, 2003 01:22 PMAccording to the download "Bilbies are sexually dimorphic". maybe it's why they died out.
(BTW notice how the article included the citation 'Wombats 1997'. Is there no freedom from the dread wombat citation?)
Posted by: babbelfish on April 9, 2003 02:39 PMAussie Boy has marsupial issues and should be ignored whenever possible.
Posted by: Hodag on April 9, 2003 03:10 PMWow, if this isn't the worst Australian evolution has produced, I think we'll be in for some interesting articles. I took one look at the picture and just thought to myself "What the hell...". A classmate of mine (Don't judge me! I know you people read PvT when you should be working also!) decided to vocalize my opinions and felt the need to point out with MY MOUSE POINTER which parts he felt were hilarious. Which they were, by the way.
And I'm somewhat familiar with the language used by aussie boy as I am on a few international forums (all devoted to a single topic, tabletop wargaming (I SAID DON'T JUDGE ME!)) and there are several australian people on the forums, as well as a good number of brits.
"fluffy tail" my behind. That tail ain't fluffy. Nor is it fluffy in the other picture I looked at ( http://www.schoolworld.asn.au/species/lesbilby.html ), it's a hairy rat tail.
We (bunnies) have the only certified fluffy tails in the animal kingdom, get it right, get it real, and get it forver. See these carrot-chewing incisors? They can get you where your "fluffy tail" would be if you make this error again.
Fluff T. Bunnie, Esq.
Another no-software review!
PerversionTracker: More perverted every day...
Posted by: PerversionTracker is Perverted on April 9, 2003 04:31 PMGeorge "Crocodile Hunter" Kastanza: "It's too late! I'm *already* burred up, bilby!"
Cosmo Kramer: "Ohh, YEAH!"
Jerry Seinfeld: "Don't anybody touch my mouse."
Cosmo Kramer: "I'm gonna make a foot-long sandwich. Hey Jerry, do ya got any sphincter meat? Well, do you want one George, or not?"
Will this thing run on 10.1.5? I don't want to shell out for Jaguar.
Posted by: Durf on April 9, 2003 08:21 PMBelvedere, bring me my Poetic Licence! Do hurry up, man! The marmoset giblets will overheat if I don't get back to them soon. Now, where is it ...
Ah, yes! "Section 3b) And if such a hairy tail is not convenient for telling of said story, adjectives such as 'fluffy', 'furry', 'hirsute', and so on, may be substituted under the terms of this Licence."
It's like I've said all along, Belvedere. Some people have less imagination than a small speck of fly poop on a picture of the Queen ...
Egad, man! Run! The giblets are aflame! Pass me that bucket of goat urine, and be quick about it!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 9, 2003 08:55 PM>Will this thing run on 10.1.5? I don?t want to shell out for Jaguar.
Jaguar would eat the bilby anyway.
Posted by: Gerry Orkin on April 9, 2003 09:28 PMQuote: "Their desert habitat is a harsh one and when food is scarce female lesser bilbies may resort to eating their young to survive (Schneider 1990)."
So it's a small rat-like helpless creature that lives in dangerous and dire regions and that eats its offspring when the going gets tough and the tough gets going. A genuine Aussie it is.
Posted by: Thuros M. on April 10, 2003 02:39 AMHerman, bring me my "Pendantic Loser" Spotting Guide! Make it snappy, the Doritos are getting stale!
Huh, here it is, chapter 1 "Boring Pommy bastids refering to non-existent texts are fair game for a super-NinjaBunny attack using stainless steel throwing ears."
You have been warned. Don't go into any dark carrot patches, Farmer Browns Illegitimate Offspring!
Fluff T. Bunnie, Esq.
In the Pitjanjara dialect, Atnunka means "Tastes like soap", hence the prediliction for these hardy desert nomads to use the Lesser Bilby as kindling rather than a food source.
In the Western Desert, the Namatji knew the Lesser Bilby as "kangaroo", which was an erroneous interpretation of the visual evidence, brought on by sandfly trachoma and copius amounts of methlyated spirits.
In urban areas the indigenous population refer to them as "durries", and set fire to one end while vigorously sucking on the other. A tip for travellers: If acosted by a large example of the autochonous population in a Snoopdoggy shirt, hand them a Lesser Bilby with the salutation "Toke it up brother! I'm sleeping with your sister tonight."
Posted by: noddy on April 11, 2003 10:13 PMnoddy, me ol' china plate! Where have you been hiding, then! You are a funny chap, aren't you!
Prepare to die!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 11, 2003 11:12 PMSo a wombat walks into a bar.
"We don't serve wombats in here," says the bartender.
"That's okay," says the wombat, "I just want a drink."
Well, well, well! Three holes in the ground ...
If you're not a smoker now, Mr Smoker, you will be after I've poured a gallon of petrol down your throat and tossed in a match! You'll be blowing smoke out your clakka!
And believe me, I do have a match, mate! My arse and your face!
Australian wildlife is the result of millions of years of successful evolution -- it's a magnificent collection of frankly amazing niche animals, superbly fitted for their place in nature. They are not -- repeat, NOT! -- the punchlines for dumb jokes by even dumber people!
I've tried to be patient. I've tried to make myself clear. But no. Clearly, someone out there thinks it's funny to mock innocent animals.
Enough, I say! ENOUGH!
I have secured some pretty serious hardware at a knock-down price from a former Soviet republic, and I know where you bastards live! Be warned!
Now where did I put that timer device ...?
Posted by: aussie boy on April 12, 2003 07:10 PMRe: Wombats
I'm from the west coast where wombats aren't, but I do remember the first time I met one. While on a serious road trip across the country, my brother and I were exploring the Bonang highway - I kid you not: 3 hours of dirt road, all of it hairpins and blind corners - we chanced upon a wombat snuffling about in the gutter, noble creature that it is.
We parked the car and were standing there on the roadside, staring at this wombat's arse poking out of the shrubbery, reveling in the rare beauty of nature (red in tooth and claw and all that) when a scruffy local in a battered Datsun 1600 pulled up:
"You all right there mate?" (being the middle of nowhere and the night, respectively)
"Fine thanks. There's this wombat..."
"Oh, righto. Fuckin' things. I'll sort it out!"
Whereupon he selected a forward gear, dropped the clutch, mounted the verge and chased the poor bastard wombat 20 metres down the road before it escaped between a couple of trees.
From this we concluded that:
a) wombats aren't held in high regard by Bonang locals
and
b) Datsun 1600's are crap at running them over.
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww thats sucked
Posted by: smelly on April 26, 2003 04:41 AMwhat the hell kind of crap is that!!!!!!
Posted by: sexy on April 26, 2003 04:43 AMThe language in this IS awful isnt it? "half baked excuse for an emu's cack hole"?????? excuse me? not all australians speak like that, you should know.
Posted by: Puggle on February 24, 2004 11:06 PM