War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
Sponsored by
L337.com
This slimy calcium-encapsulated application is a serious agricultural pest, ready to attack 500 plant species with crazed abandon at the slightest provocation. It will eat eggplant, chili peppers, okra, cabbage, and cacao. Not even peanuts and papayas are safe from its predatory rasping tongue. You have to admire the chutzpah of this importunate mollusc.
Okay, sure, you may argue that it only travels 0.004 miles per hour. But it can pull its own weight up a vertical surface, and we’d like to see you try that! It will grow 15 inches long and weigh up to two pounds if given proper access to green leafy things and Nautilus machines. And then you can eat it.
But please, please, resist the temptation to suck its raw blubbery body directly out of the shell. Why, you ask? Because it is often infested, through no fault of its own, by a nematode that causes cerebral angiostraongyliasis. This appears to be a particularly nasty form of meningitis with a made-up name.
Humans can be infected by this dread disease by eating poorly cooked snail meat, or by eating fruits upon which an infested snail has trailed its massive mucus-laden foot, or by having intimate relations with said snail. But all of these risks are outweighed by the fact that it is 88% protein (shell excluded) and quite tasty in a buttery sauce.
As an added bonus to those interested in starting up a backyard snailery for fun and profit, giant African snails are easy to raise in captivity because they are hermaphroditic sex fiends and lay up to 1,200 eggs every year. Just don’t forget to give them plenty of water and calcium. Snails have needs too, people.
Giant African Snail, for being edible, yet also a pest, you have balanced perfectly between useful and useless, earning a middle-of-the-road 5.5.
Download Giant African Snail / Mirror Site
Posted by naomi at March 30, 2003 07:35 PM | TrackBackMmmmm... snails.
Posted by: Escargot Freak on March 30, 2003 09:24 PMI've got your 2lbs of 15" long mean, RIGHT HERE!
Posted by: New New Yorker on March 30, 2003 09:47 PMWho art thou naomi?
Posted by: on March 30, 2003 09:47 PMIs it just me or is this a disguised dig at Microsoft?
Posted by: Call By Reference on March 30, 2003 09:48 PMNice place Japan - out in the country at least.
Posted by: Call By Value on March 30, 2003 10:34 PMThank God God didn't start making snails using REALbasic, otherwise we'd be back onto that droll old argument again! (Everyone knows that Eden was a Cocoa app ...)
Hey! You there! Drop those underpants at once! Don't you know substance-sniffing kills?
Posted by: aussie boy on March 30, 2003 10:46 PMReviewing giant snails!? We are only one step away from reviewing boogers on PerversionTracker. Do you guys need some sample boogers?
Is it just me or what...doesn't that snail in the picture look just like a Krispy Creme donut.
Posted by: Booger-man on March 31, 2003 12:13 AMyou could tell it wasn't ladd's writing style. and it didn't seem like jan's either. here it is, the debut of NAOMI. nice application to start off with. props
Posted by: tom on March 31, 2003 12:21 AMAnd the circle is complete, PvT is now, officially, the van Tol's family business. We welcome thee, Naomi, in our midst. Your inaugural review seems worthy of approval of the demented readership of PvT, which doesn't really mean anything, but let me say to thee a well-meant "Hi" to show my deep appreciation of your future efforts for this site.
Posted by: Thuros M. on March 31, 2003 02:01 AMWHO AM I?
I am the first flower of spring and the last leaf of autumn. I wake to sleep and take my waking slow. I am the journey to the center of the earth. I am the egg that hatched the fancy chicken. I too am untranslateable. I am not you.
Please direct all sample boogers to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. We need as many as possible, with a special emphasis on the gooey green kind, as we are making booger soup for Easter dinner. Thank you.
Much as I appreciate the chance to "debut" (where is my floofy dress? where are my strappy white sandals? and where the hell is my goddamn cotillion?) this is not my first review. I can also be blamed for reviewing Guinea Pig, which, like Giant African Snail, you can eat.
Now you know the horrible truth, and my guilty conscience is assuaged.
Love,
Naomi
As interestingly hilarious as I found the guinea pig article, I have decided the giant african snail feature is less intriguing and also slightly less funny. However, I do hope this trend of reviewing animals as programs continues.
Keep up the good work!
We should open the site www.perversiontrackertracker.com (www.PvTSmackdown.com?) which reviews and rates all the articles here on PvT.
Of course, these comments fill this role somewhat, but they are mostly of the same (low) quality of the RealVersionTracker.com's site. (See how anything Real is just destined to suck?)
Anyway, I rate this article: "Wistful white mountain".
Posted by: Thuros M. on March 31, 2003 02:21 PMPerhaps the Giant African Snail would be more funny and intriguing if it suffered from fecal compaction?
Just a thought.
I rate all of your comments "angry nutria on a pointy stick."
Posted by: naomi on March 31, 2003 06:24 PMHmm, I'm not sure what you've read, but I would classify this application as a virus or possibly a trojan.
Listen to this:
In 1966, a young boy smuggled 3 GASs into Miami, as pets. His grandma eventually released them into her garden. Seven years later, more than 18,000 snails had been found. It took the State almost 10 years to get rid of the pest, and cost more than $1 million.
Another interesting fact:
The GAS can survive cold conditions, even snow, by hibernating (for months.) Snails in hibernation, can lose 60 percent of their weight and consequently can be mistaken for dead specimens (as a means to trick unweary shell-collectors.)
The GAS has an average life of five to six years and up to nine.
Posted by: big a on March 31, 2003 09:26 PMHeh, from the download link:
"The snail is... ahh, how shall we put this... not good. The snail has been chopped up into little chips, which have been cooked inside the snail shell in a seafood stock and flambéd in saké. These snail chips have a taste and texture similar to that used rubber tires might have if they were chopped up into little chips, cooked in a seafood stock, and flambéd in saké."
Posted by: Thuros M. on April 1, 2003 03:01 AM... Welcome to PerversionTracker everybody! This is really perverted ...
Posted by: PerversionTracker is Perverted on April 8, 2003 08:39 PMwhat ever you cant eat snails thats just gross. you PIG
Posted by: on September 15, 2003 03:24 PMI couldn't it mine my daughter loves it.
Posted by: Lesley on January 17, 2004 09:29 AMi have nine snails they eat loads of food i cant aford to keep them so i give them stuff out of the garden
Posted by: sam on February 2, 2004 06:18 AMYou canny eat tings that are soooo cute! The poor we chaps. I have a snail run in my bedroom with a slide and a trapise, you should see him go. . .
Posted by: HARDASSNAILS on March 3, 2004 01:43 PMthese snails are a serious agriculture pest and are a human health hazard. If you have these snails in your possession for know someone who does, please contact the US Dept. of Agriculture's Safeguarding, Intervention and Trade Compliance hotline @ 1-800-877-3835