Readers Fail Emerson Contest

Filled with brave talk and Night Train were our readers. Though they certainly had the gumption to complain about the Emerson contest, none of them possessed the sort of fortitude necessary to submit a winning entry. Although we would not stoop to comparing our readers to lowlifes like John Moltz, it is clear that they are not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer.

Lacking in even the most rudimentary understanding of the Transcendentalists, it quickly became evident that the majority of these “contestants” were more than a little slow on the uptake, and hence do not “contend” in a literal sense. One reader, a certain “Kevin L. Uygee,” insisted that only the term “mortal sitar” was a genuine Emerson quote. Kevin also noted that the phrase “gleeful, yet otherwise useless” made him feel “packed with science.” We are still trying to determine whether Kevin has been secretly glaring at our digital camera battery in the night, but other than this small concern, we won’t fret over the matter.

Several others, including Angus Rumsfeld McDonald, swore that the phrases “largest ever, no really, we mean it this time,” and “I am a multi-millionaire, you squalid little peasant” had been quoted at some point, and were in fact Emerson originals. These readers did not seem to understand the basis of Transcendentalism, which emphasized a connection with nature, and certainly did not place much weight on the “GOLDAR DESTROYER ROBOT” as Angus seems to.

Clearly these people were not loved as children, and spend far too much time grubbily pawing nonsensical weblogs in search of that tiny bit of treasure that inflates their ego beyond the reach of ordinary measuring devices, at least those constructed of commercially available pomatum and stucco. Intellectually speaking, they could not even be considered the most viable seeds in the tomato. They will neither flourish, nor will they stop infuriating us with their pestilential presence.

One reader, a certain “Jason Svelte,” correctly identified all six Emerson quotes, but unfortunately was disqualified for red-bearded treachery, and the unforgivable crime of buttock twanging. Mr. Svelte may possess a superior intellect, but he does not come by it honestly. It has clearly stemmed from intellectual osmosis through his hordes of strangely prehensile siblings. Therefore, Mr. Svelte, although you put the “ant” back into “trenchant,” you regrettably do not win our prize.

So, dear readers, although we love you greatly, like a half-brother of a second cousin whom we’ve never had the pleasure of actually engaging in direct fisticuffs with, we conclude that you are, in the collective sense, a bit dim. But do not despair, or plunge readily into blaming yourselves! Indeed, if anyone is to blame for the sorry state of this foolhardy intellectual assay, it is John Moltz, who has degraded the level of discourse to that of crackbrained degeneracy.

But as I have said, despair is not yet at hand. I can sense that you have been improved by your mere association with PerversionTracker, and this positive course will doubtless continue. Soldier on, my philosophically inept — yet surprisingly likable — readers.

Posted by ladd at March 20, 2003 11:15 PM | TrackBack