The Safari Accessory Smackdown

Big things happening tonight folks, what with that gang of rhesus monkeys escaped from a research center in Louisiana. Before the monkeys destroy everything we hold dear, we are resolved to review the majority of currently available Safari Accessories. To this end, we bring you… The Smackdown!!

And now . . . entering on the left we have . . . SAFARI AQUAFIER! Raised in the family slaughterhouse, Safari Aquafier has been chewing gristle since he had teeth! Look for him to do more of the same tonight!

Facing Safari Aquafier tonight is . . . SAFARI NOBRUSH! Safari NoBrush has been removing brushed metal since his untimely entrance into this world! Let's hope he can apply his removal skills to more than metal!

The match will start in about 10 minutes folks, so sit tight, wet your pants, and--Oh! What's this! Oh my god, they're going at it! This looks bad folks, they've got folding chairs!

Oh! Oh, Safari Aquafier just urinated on Safari NoBrush! And now NoBrush is using a piece of sand paper on Aquafier! I can't look, has he got a rash? Yes, he's got a rash. This is ugly. Where are the referees?! Somebody, anybody, get down there and separate them!

You won't believe this, but the referee is a WOMBAT. Yes, that's right, a WOMBAT! Who in their right mind would appoint a gimpy wombat to ref a heavyweight wrestling match?

Well! Well, I'll be a monkeys uncle, he's done it! The wombat just separated them, folks. Now let's get the match off to a proper start! Huh huh, isn't that right, Bob? Yeah, well, same to you, Lorinda. Yes Bob, I know all about that. Yes, yes I do. I've put a letter in your mailbox Bob. I'd go get that letter pretty fast if I was you, Bob.

Okay folks, we'll leave Bob to his demons and get this party started! Safari Aquafier and Safari NoBrush are in the ring now. The wombat still doing a remarkable job keeping them separated. Looking at them now, you'd almost think this was staged, and that a replacement referee was substituted in at the last minute because the regular ref developed a severe case of crusted scabies, but no.

Apparently . . . wait, I'm getting word now . . . okay . . . we love wombats because they are very intolerant of others, making them superb referees!

They're circling now . . . and still circling . . . Safari Aquafier is armed with a turnip shaped like a thingy, while Safari NoBrush has his trusty power sander.

Still circling . . . OH, what's this! Here comes SafariMasks out of the audience! He's taken NoBrush down! And now SafariTheme is coming out, and boy is he angry! Don't sell the farm Pa, I planted a minefield!

It's a veritable melee down there, with juice flying all over the place! Holy Hyatt on a pogostick! Here comes SafarIcon, with SafariCookieCutter right behind him! This is a stab at the health of human society!

Now they're streaming out like MacWorld attendees when informed that Steve Ballmer would be doing the keynote! Good night Chet, Frank has been kidnapped, but don't tell Aunt Gertrude!

SafariSkin, SafariTabs SafariTheme and TabbedSafari are in the ring! It's pure craziness!

As if that wasn't enough, here comes JeepSafari, Lioness, Pith, Safari Debugger, Pith Helmet, and Safari Enhancer! It's a pulsating pile of pink persons down there!

Whoa! Now here comes Safari Icon Manager, Safari Menu, Safari XTra, and Safari Toolkit! It's so unbelievable, you know it must be true!

These guys are pretty disorganized . . . I don't see any evidence of any teams. The only thing that could shape up this bunch is the . . . oh my god! Look over there! It's the SAFARI LANGUAGE PACK GANG!

The Enhancers have seen them, they seem to be forming an alliance! With good reason too . . . the LangPacks have been known to smother entire villages with their sheer numbers!

Here they come, folks, get ready . . . Chinese Safari, Danish Safari, Hellenic Safari, Norwegian Safari, Russian Safari, Brazilian Safari, Catalan Safari, Czech Safari, French Safari, Dutch Safari, German Safari, Italian Safari, Polish Safari, Spanish Safari, Serbian Safari, and Swedish Safari!

Whoa! This fight is swinging back and forth like one of those pendulum things. But wait, the crowd is going wild... could it be... yes! It's SAFARI TOOLKIT PLATINUM! The crowd loves it! They're really eating up his Safari Aquafier Plus feature! Boy, look at him show off that Link Underline Remover Plus! Oh, I feel weak! The Great Documentation is overwhelming me like a mob of spider monkeys with heavy equipment!

Safari Toolkit Platinum is really strutting his stuff, and I can hear the crowd now... they're chanting...

"PLATINUM! PLATINUM! PLATINUM!"

The crowd's quieting down... he's going to speak...

"Do you want to see what STP has in his toolkit?"

"TOOLKIT! TOOLKIT! TOOLKIT!"

Good NIGHT! He's just used his Safari Debugger Plus feature to fix problems with online banking sites! The other boys are running away like sheep from a backhoe, but it's not good enough! STP has got Safari XTra, and he's really squashing him! I shudder to think what that Link Underline Remover Plus is doing to XTra. Now he's charging Safari XTra $8 for his services!

Oh! The other contenders have fled the ring! It's all over folks, Scifience Studio's Safari Toolkit Platinum is the winner and CHAMPION!