SimStapler 1.0

Based on our note from the author, this appears to be a clone of Freeverse’s OS 9 SimStapler 6.2. Yes, it appears that the author is desperate enough to build a clone of an already useless application. In fact, I suspect the sole reason he has done this is to submit it to PvT. Useless indeed, but can it swallow the sputum and go the distance?

First the basics. As is apparent in the screenshot, this application does indeed produce a beautifully rendered stapler. Comparison to the original Freeverse offering shows that this new SimStapler offers a higher resolution stapler, rendered at a significantly less dithered, and hence more mellifluous bit depth.

Unfortunately, this new SimStapler fails in several regards when its full feature set is compared to the original. First, it has no poised finger waiting to prod the stapler into action. Second, it does not use multi-channel sound effects, and so when rapid-fire stapling is undertaken, only an occasional clicking results, which is much less full-bodied than the satisfying snap of Freeverse’s composition. Compared to the staccato sound effects of the original, this is but a mere shadow. Third, the new version completely lacks the deranged “splendid” sound effect that is occasionally heard in the more advanced SS 6.2. Fourth, the application’s Read Me is not nearly as amusing as the Freeverse original. In fact, the principal amusement therein is that the author requests postcards, yet does not supply the name of the small European country in which he toils in his postal address. We believe it could be Belgium, but it may also be Phlegm-land (which is where they speak Phlegmish).

Given the enormous possibilities, we would definitely like to see these issues resolved in the next release of SimStapler. Additionally, bonus features, such as add-on packs for additional staplers (such as the Red Swingline), stapling of simulated documents (preferably supporting PDF), stapling of simulated fingers, arms, and legs (with spurting blood, and flesh adhesion), as well as simulated re-loading of the stapler would be welcome additions.

We would also like to see a professional version of SimStapler, made available for exclusive sale into Peruvian monasteries. The principal additional feature would be a stapler gun mode, which allows the user to roam along a simulated street, stapling band posters to street signs, while avoiding the demon-spawn home owner’s association. By pricing the product at around $1,400 (1,705,200 South Korean Won), SimStapler Pro should see brisk sales among the more liberal South American Benedictine orders.

As this is the only SimStapler presently available as a native OS X application, we can forgive its shortcomings for the time being. But remember: calling the summation of responsibility a “societal debt” merely indicates that the blame is spread very thinly, yet there are still small individual failures of responsibility on the part of each person. I therefore conclude that a repayable societal debt is a figment, composed only of individual actions, for which personal responsibility can be assigned, and punished, preferably through filling of the nostrils with garlic-laden hummus.

Frederik De Bleser, for your contribution to time wasting, and useless stapling, please accept our sincere offer of a 9.1. However, if a Carbonized Freeverse release becomes available, it will easily exceed this uselessness score

Download SimStapler