As you know, here at PerversionTracker we hold our staff to extremely high standards of journalistic excellence, which require us to purchase and fairly evaluate each app using a standardized scoring rubric ahh ha ha haaa jesus balls who are we kidding we just throw shit at a wall and see which chunks stick.

Today, let’s make fun of some screenshots! In this case, the developer’s own atrocious promotional materials saved us the trouble of purchasing, using, and taking deceptive and misleading screenshots of the actual app. (We bought a Slurpee with the money saved!!)

Facebook Touch HD is the fastest, easiest-to-use, most convenient Facebook app, plus the only one with as much personality as you have! Optimized for the high definition touch screens of iPad and iPhone 4, and easily customized to match your mood, you’ll soon wonder how you ever lived without it.

A filthy, dingleberried Facebook peacock. Can you taste the rainbow?

I WONDER HOW I LIVED WITHOUT THIS.

"Enjoy your new toy, thanks for the chat!" #worstfirstdate?

Hold up, is she holding a BlackBerry?

App Store reviewer “devindaboy” offered a particularly eloquent opinion: “u guys rly fixed the bugs but it still runs crazy slo. and im having 2 thoughts soooooo give it one more fix plz.”

We’re having 2 thoughts right now, too: anal. discharge. God, give us a fix for that, plz.

While we’re waiting for deliverance, purchasing a copy of Facebook Touch HD is probably the closest you can get to feeling our pain.

Download Facebook Touch HD ($0.99)