Cops are cracking down. On MobilityWare's applications! After a brief perusal of the extant marketing material on this fine product, we chose to rechristen it "R U Drunk Enough to Give Us Money?", or RUDEGUM for short.
After fortifying ourselves with a small margarita and a large gibberellic acid float, we unhinged our well-linted vault of assorted Slovenian specie, and shelled out a shocking $2.99 (≈ €0.04) towards our current favorite charity, Assistance Society for Steve Jobs' Unbelievably Gnarly Squirts (ASSJUGS).
After a gristly, but enjoyable bout of Mac/iPhone semaphore-based application installation, we were finally ready to plunge our telereviewdonics deeply into the slushy accretions that comprise the substantial groin of the "app store". Our regrets were cast aside like an pitifully inadequate iPod accessory. Our hearts were filled with rage. Phil Schiller's hair got the party started (but only in the back).
Were he still alive, Thoreau would doubtless advise us to beware of any venture requiring one to blow into a bottom hole, no matter how pleasingly glossy said hole may be.
Sadly, he's not here to warn us. He perished in a tragic head-on collision with a pond. If only he had continued gauging his stuporousness by the time-honored "Neckbeard Metric," he would be with us today. But he's gone. Like so many other 19th century American philosophers, Thoreau remains trapped at the bottom of a kettle hole, lips still locked to a primitive iPhone.
MobilityWare, we can do nothing further for you, but to recommend daily application of fluconazole to all affected software until major symptoms subside.
5 Responses to “r u drunk 1.0”
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What. The. Fuck.
You come back and this is how I find out? I read about it on the web?!
No note? No phone call? No court order?
You should be ashamed of yourself, Ladd van Tol.
Oh, and FIRST.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:58 AMActually John, you were foremost in our thoughts as we relaunched, but we were concerned that you might not be able to bear the shock.
We had intended to operate this site in complete secrecy, but somehow, y’all found us…
July 30th, 2008 at 11:07 AMI voz hopink zat zis website had been disappeared. Now itz back. Why?
Its just adding to the cluster fuck that is the internet.
July 30th, 2008 at 11:52 AMSome chickens, please?
July 30th, 2008 at 03:22 PMPutting aside my thoughts about Thoreau and how I wish to induce his posthumously into the Hall of Honour of Bearded Men, I’d say this app should be renamed “r-u-retarded?” After the user pays his hard-earned shekels on this travesty of a program, it will proceed to quickly flash red-on-white and inverted text “RETARD” on the screen while playing a high-pitched shrieking noise at full volume for 5 minutes. Then it bricks the device.
R-U-Retarded purchasers are also put on an Apple internal blacklist that will prevent them from, among other things, buying Apple devices and / or software, reproducing, getting a job in this town and, in extreme cases, breathing.
yOMG, PVT IS BACK!!9
July 30th, 2008 at 06:03 PM