Cops are cracking down. On MobilityWare’s applications! After a brief perusal of the extant marketing material on this fine product, we chose to rechristen it “R U Drunk Enough to Give Us Money?”, or RUDEGUM for short.
After fortifying ourselves with a small margarita and a large gibberellic acid float, we unhinged our well-linted vault of assorted Slovenian specie, and shelled out a shocking $2.99 (≈ €0.04) towards our current favorite charity, Assistance Society for Steve Jobs’ Unbelievably Gnarly Squirts (ASSJUGS).
After a gristly, but enjoyable bout of Mac/iPhone semaphore-based application installation, we were finally ready to plunge our telereviewdonics deeply into the slushy accretions that comprise the substantial groin of the “app store”. Our regrets were cast aside like an pitifully inadequate iPod accessory. Our hearts were filled with rage. Phil Schiller’s hair got the party started (but only in the back).
Were he still alive, Thoreau would doubtless advise us to beware of any venture requiring one to blow into a bottom hole, no matter how pleasingly glossy said hole may be.
Sadly, he’s not here to warn us. He perished in a tragic head-on collision with a pond. If only he had continued gauging his stuporousness by the time-honored “Neckbeard Metric,” he would be with us today. But he’s gone. Like so many other 19th century American philosophers, Thoreau remains trapped at the bottom of a kettle hole, lips still locked to a primitive iPhone.
MobilityWare, we can do nothing further for you, but to recommend daily application of fluconazole to all affected software until major symptoms subside.
